


Blue Neighbourhood

by auriaholmes



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Gen, High School, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Self-Discovery, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-07
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 56,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26869945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auriaholmes/pseuds/auriaholmes
Summary: Jeno was ten when his family settled in a small town five hours from his previous house, he despised it, but he finally got himself a room he always wanted. He was ten when he met the pale boy in oversized maroon jacket sitting below the window of his new room, both hands hugging his knees.He was fourteen, when he first kissed the boy.A journey of Jeno and Renjun to find themselves and what they meant for each other.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Park Chaeyoung | Rosé, Lee Jeno/Park Siyeon | Xiyeon
Comments: 7
Kudos: 70





	1. Suburbia

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first time posting a story here. I do not own any of the characters and this story is purely fiction. And please bear with any grammatical errors. Inspired by Troye Sivan's songs and dedicated to our beautiful NCT members. Enjoy!

Today was probably the worst day that ever happened in ten years of Jeno's life. She had promised, his mother did. That it would be the last time he has to transfer school and it was seven months ago. And when he managed to make friends with his new classmates at school, he had to leave yet again for the third time in three years. He understood that his father's work required them to move from one place to another, but Jeno just hated this place the most. It was a small town in the countryside which he never heard the name of. He liked the city better, he liked to play around his late neighborhood without having to be concerned about getting attacked by a wild boar or something.

"At least we don't have to worry about Jeno being kidnapped" and so his mother explained.

Somehow the trip to their new home was much more boring than he expected to be. The road was quite bumpy, and he didn't like to sit for five hours long in the car. 

"When are we going to arrive?" He glanced outside the window at the same line of green trees waving in the summer wind.  
"Soon, dear" his mother replied shortly. She was actually loving the idea of them moving to the town, big city was not a good place for a child to grow up, apparently she thought so. His father drove the car faster, knowing that the sun almost reached the horizon and he wanted them to arrive before dark. The car pulled over on a certain road not far from the main road. It's 6 pm when they reached what Jeno guessed as their new house. A two story house painted in light brown, steel fences around the yard. His mother made a squeal when she saw a small gazebo in the corner of the house, surrounded with grape plants creeping around the wooden cabin.

"Where's my room?" Jeno finally decided to ask before his parents got busy with moving things into the house.  
"Upstairs, sweetheart" His mother replied between her instructions as some people moved her teapot collection. 

He walked up the stairs, wondering which hallway he should pick, and he chose to walk left. He walked past a room that has a king sized bed, boxes already settled on the floor with books, shoes, and clothes mark on the sides, those are his brother's belonging. He walked further to the end of the hallway, the door made a creaking sound as he pushed the knob, he struggled to find the switch on the walls only to find the light bulb hasn't even installed, he pushed open the window and the silver light from the outside seeped in. There's already a single bed in the middle of the room, a desk and bookshelf near the window, and a big cupboard across the bathroom. It was bigger than his previous room. He could even fit a small sofa and a coffee table somewhere just to make a touch of maturity. Oh well, his brother would laugh at him if he knew what he was thinking. He sat there, on his bed, looking around his new room between the dim. Still imagining his non-existing coffee table. 

Creak 

He swept his head outside the window. Both curiosity and fear filled in, call him paranoid, but Jeno hated ghosts, and someone, or something might have been offended with his coming into the room. Who knew? Slowly he peeked out the open window, looking around to find the source of the noise. And his eyes finally met those dark orbs. They were like a bottomless abyss that Jeno prayed he would never fall into, but somehow their gravity finally attracted him to stare longer. There's a boy, sitting below his window, both hands hugging his knees. His black hair was covered in a hood of his oversized worn off jacket. He flinched as Jeno craned his neck further to take a full glance of the boy. 

"Hello? Who are you?" The boy hesitated, biting his bottom lip. 

"I'm Jeno, and you are...?" Jeno repeated.

"Re-Renjun" Jeno smiled. 

"Is it okay if i come down to you, Renjun?" Jeno took the silence Renjun gave him as a yes as he sprinted downstairs, giving his mother 'I'll walk around' excuse. Renjun was still there, but this time standing up near the apple tree.

"Hey, do you live around here?" The other boy mumbled softly "No" . Jeno walked closer, making Renjun squeezed himself further towards the tree. He seemed to be uncomfortable with Jeno's sudden movement, but still managed to keep his composure. 

"I just moved here" Renjun hesitantly accepted his handshake. Jeno observed that Renjun was shorter from him by a few centimeters but really skinny for a boy his height. His knees were covered in dirt and scratches, some of the dried off blood tainted his pale legs. His thin lips pressed into a line, eyes wandered on the ground for God knew what made Renjun attracted to stare at it instead. 

"So-sorry" Renjun pulled his hand from Jeno

"For?" 

"Getting into your yard" Jeno smiled at the sudden apology.

"It's okay, what are you doing here anyway?" 

"I'm looking for a cat" Renjun fiddled with his fingers, gaze still on the ground. 

"Yours?"

"No.... my friend's" Renjun must be an angel that he's willing to look for someone else's cat up until late. Those wounds seemed to be new, Renjun must have hurt himself while looking for the cat.  
"It's late already, you should go home and continue tomorrow" Jeno remembered his mother was freaking out when he came home late, and every mother would surely react the same way when their children haven't come home. Renjun's parent's too, Jeno assumed.

"Ah,Yes" His eyes fell, both in disappointment and sadness, and Jeno didn't like it. "What about if I help you search for the cat tomorrow?" 

For the first time, Renjun eventually took an initiative to look at Jeno's eyes rather than the ground. "You will?" Jeno nodded,

"I still have a few days off before the school starts, I can help you" the smile was worth the offer. The most attractive snuggle smile Jeno has ever seen in his whole ten years' life. Well, not that he knew many people with snaggletooth, but Renjun was just different. His eyes disappeared into crescents and his baby cheeks moved upwards, protruding into plump blush-y buns. Besides, Renjun could get a helping hand, and Jeno thought Renjun could also be his first member of his empty new friend list. It's a win for both of them. 

"See you tomorrow then?" Jeno didn't want to sound rude, but he just wanted Renjun to get home quickly so his parents wouldn't be worried. 

"Yes,see you tomorrow,Jeno" and Renjun disappeared behind the back door. Eventually waving his oversized sleeves covered hand. 

~~~ 

Jeno found the new neighborhood to be really quiet. There's no honking sounds of morning rush, and everybody just seemed to like greeting each other. The new maid of the house, Mrs. Kim has started working since today, and she was the first person to kindly greet him as soon as he arrived in the kitchen for breakfast. The house was still busy, this going to take at least three days to make his mother satisfied with all the furniture's arrangement. He didn't have much things to do, his belongings were still inside the box. His room was just freshly repainted in light brown this morning. For the meantime, he would stay in his brother's room. 

"Can i go play outside today?" Jeno sneakily munched one of the croissants meant for the repair men. Luckily his mother was too busy scrubbing her ceramic plates. "With who?" his mother asked. And Jeno replied with a groan. She immediately realized something and laughed,

"Ah-right. Go! have fun and be careful" 

And now, he realized his stupidity for not asking Renjun when and where to meet. Renjun was probably going to come here around noon, right? Or maybe after lunch? He waited for a good two hours at the staircase, waiting for a certain boy to appear at the front gate, but the day had passed midday and the boy he was waiting for was yet on the sight. 

"I thought you said you will play outside?" the kind Mrs. Kim appeared, shovel and gloves on both hands. "This is outside" Jeno grumbled softly. 

She chuckled "But you're not having fun playing" She was right, none of the wait was fun. Maybe he should've just ditch Renjun and played alone somewhere. 

"There's a park down the road, there might be something there for your interest" and so he followed Mrs. Kim's suggestion, dragging his feet down the road. She told him if he ever needed anything, he could go and meet Mr. Zhang who lived in a red fenced house just beside the park. The park was huge, there were a swing set, a slide and a wooden castle for him to play in the corner, he could run or maybe rolled along the huge field if he wanted to -apparently he didn't want to do that at the moment, he was too sulky to have fun- , all the place for himself. 

Not until he noticed a specific maroon jacket on the balcony of the wooden castle. He climbed carefully, afraid that the old structure would collapse if he gripped on the railings too hard. 

"You didn't come" 

Startled seemed to be a very natural reaction to Jeno's presence as Renjun fell on his back and looked up at Jeno. "Renjun, what happened?" 

The pale boy was still wearing the same attire, the same blood and bruises still painting his delicate skin. 

"You didn't come home last night?" Jeno felt like talking to himself because the latter shut his lips tight at every question. 

Maybe Renjun didn't want to talk about it, Jeno thought. And Renjun was grateful because Jeno didn't ask any further. They stayed quiet for fifteen minutes, with Jeno occasionally glancing at the other boy. Renjun was really one strange kid. Wouldn't his parents be mad if he didn't come home? Oh, did he have no parents or family? But it would be rude to ask such things,right? So many questions swirled around his brain. 

"I was waiting for you since this morning" Jeno decided to break the silence 

"Sorry" 

Renjun's face was as white as a sheet of paper, as if the blood didn't reach his head, shivering under the broad daylight. "I'm mad, you know" He tugged on Renjun's shoulder lightly and the latter just weakly smiled. 

That was not the smile Jeno wanted to see. His dry lips cracked and there was perspiration running down his pale skin. "You're sick" 

"No,I'm fine" This time Jeno boldly put his hand on Renjun's forehead 

"You're burning!" 

"I'm fine" Renjun was either stubborn or simply an idiot to insist that he's fine. Jeno understood Renjun didn't want to come home,sometimes he didn't want to come home too when he's feeling upset and sad. 

"Come with me, then" Those doe-eyes like starred in surprise, but then looked away almost immediately .

"No,i- i will go home" 

Jeno just didn't understand Renjun. He even prevented him with all his might when Jeno insisted on taking Renjun home, reasoning that his house was far. Jeno offered to take him by car, he's sure his father wouldn't mind giving his son's new friend a ride a few blocks away, but Renjun still refused. 

"It's okay,i can go home on my own" Renjun's frail body swayed as he stood up. But then he quickly climbed down the wood castle and patted his hands, dusting off any wood fragments from his palms. He looked up at Jeno who's still standing at the balcony. "See you tomorrow, then?" and Renjun nodded. 

The picture of Renjun's small frame disappeared from Jeno's sight lingered on his mind even until dinner. 

"How was your day? meet some good friends around?" He came back by the time his mother finished arranging her collections. He met Mr. Zhang who gave him an apple and he wished he could share it with the long gone boy. 

"There is a boy, his name is Renjun, I met him twice but he doesn't live around here" 

"Where does he live then?" 

Jeno didn't know where Renjun lived, he didn't even know his age nor where he was schooling or simply his first name. Jeno didn't know anything about Renjun except his name and how Renjun could be a very mysterious kid. And as the days passed, Renjun didn't come around the neighborhood, even when Jeno waited on top of the wood castle's balcony until evening, he never came. His break was now over and he has to start going to school. Jeno didn't know why Renjun's name slipped through his lips when he and Donghyuck, his new seatmate, sat under the cherry blossom tree in between their P.E class. 

"Never heard of, is he a Junior?" 

"I don't know, i only know his name" Ever since that day, Donghyuck then started to tease him about Renjun, Jeno's first love, and literally spreading the words to the girls who were having their eyes on the city boy transfer student. Days turned into months and the thought of Renjun has slipped to the back of Jeno's head as he made a lot of friends both in school and neighborhood. Somehow he's not frowning over their moving again, and his parents were happy with that. 

Years have passed in a blink of an eye and Jeno was twelve now. He's preparing for junior high soon. Elementary was fun, he has a lot of friends, thanks to the social butterfly Donghyuck who literally dragged him around. His grade was slowly topping the list (second place this time). Summer break was around the corner again and Jeno was excited about their parent's plan of paying a visit to his grandfather in the city. Jeno missed the city and his old friends. 

When the summer finally came, his father yet once again had to cancel the vacation because of a sudden business trip to Europe and his mother was going to have a conference in the next town for a week. His mother eventually suggested him to spend the break at his brother's place, but no, Jeno turned down the idea.  
The boredom once again led his feet to the park down the road. The park seemed to be much smaller compared to the last time he's here. Maybe because Jeno was growing bigger. The wood castle was still there, exactly looking like Jeno imagined it to become. He wanted to climb up, but afraid that his current body wouldn't fit the place again. So he just sat on the swing, both long limbs dragged around the ground since the swing was too low for him. 

He looked up at the balcony, slowly recalling the image of a small boy in a maroon jacket curling on the corner. Wondering how the other boy was doing after all these years. He also wondered when he stopped asking his neighborhood's friends about Renjun. Maybe because no one knew him, that's why Jeno gave up, that's why he should give up. 

Because the other boy might be doing the same thing, giving up on Jeno.


	2. Youth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if anyone would read it LOL

Jeno was in his second grade of middle school. His grades have significantly rocketed along his maturity. He's reaching fourteen soon but he's already towering over most of the boys his age. His baby fat has slowly gone, making his sharp features appear boldly. He didn't consider himself more good looking than the rest but he's kind of proud with his slightly manlier version of himself. Maybe except for his lips, Donghyuck always said his lips were like girl's. Last year he accidentally smashed the corner of his lips while playing basketball and left him a noticeable scar from the stitch. He never complained about his lips again since then. The girls have started to swarm around him like bees, making the boys envious. Donghyuck seemed to enjoy the attention as one of the two handsome duos. Most of Jeno's friends were Donghyuck's, he was pretty much known by any boys their age. If only he could shut up more often, Jeno was sure he would be more popular with girls instead. Everything about puberty just amused Jeno a lot, it changed things in him that he didn't even know could happen to him. Well he knew it would happen, Mr.Lee and his sex education pretty much gave him basic knowledge. But one thing he didn't give him was how to handle mental shock. Until he had his first wet dream, it terrified him. His father was too awkward to explain and his mother explained it in her medical language -she's a doctor- which made him didn't understand a thing. And that's why now, he's on the phone, talking to his dear big brother.

" _Congratulation, you're officially a man"_

"Am I supposed to go through this?" his brother scoffed from the other line. _"Yes you do of course, it proves that you're a healthy boy"_

"I know but there's another problem..it's weird and makes everything . . . awkward" His brother made a simple 'o' before speaking up again.

  
 _"I see, so you also have another problem. It isn't specifically called a problem, it's nature, Jeno. It does feel like that at first. That's why you need to control it"_ This was one of those rare times Jeno was really grateful for, where Jaehyun, his eight years apart older brother actually listened and didn't tease him. Jeno would surely dig a hole and bury himself if he teased him about this. It already costed him his dignity to even picked up the courage to consult (Jaehyun insisted on calling it Sex talk with Mr.Jeffry) his brother.

  
"What if it happens and I can't control it?" His brother's laugh roars, and it pissed Jeno off a lot. He should've prepared a shovel already.

  
_"-Well, then let it go"_

  
It did help, even though Jeno has to sneakily wash his own underpants. Which caused a raised eyebrow from his mother but he declared that washing his own underpants was one of things on his list of becoming a mature responsible man. On the other hand, Donghyuck who magically still became his best friend, bluntly announced that he had even watched his brother's porn collections, explaining with some details Jeno didn't even want to know.

  
"I can lend you, if you want to" he sipped his iced caramel macchiato and winched at the faint bitter taste. And that was Donghyuck's personal definition of becoming a man, by drinking coffee.

  
"Oh God, you're sick" and Donghyuck laughed putting his arm on Jeno's shoulder as they walked home from the game centre.

  
"Jeno?"

  
Donghyuck ran frantically after the called one when he suddenly dashed to a corner of a building. "Dude, that's not cool!" When he could finally catch up with Jeno, he immediately pulled the latter to hide.

"Lee Jeno,whatever you're planning to do, don't do that"

  
"I have to, Donghyuck"

  
Donghyuck gripped Jeno's blazer harder as Jeno tried to free himself. "They are the kids from North high! They will beat your ass up!"

  
Jeno stared deeply at Donghyuck's eyes "I will do the same if that's you, and if that's me, I also wish someone will do the same"

  
Jeno was the most stubborn shit Donghyuck had ever met in his life. For once, just for once, Donghyuck wished Jeno would stop being so crazy with whatever dumb decision he has in his head. Like that one time he insisted that Jeno and his clumsy ass accidentally smashed his lips playing basketball. Donghyuck knew, how dumb his best friend was to fight with a delinquent over an insult he could just simply shrugged off. If only he could stop being so prideful and think for a second. And with that much determination in his eyes, Donghyuck also knew nothing could stop him.

  
"Fine, but we'll do it my way"

  
And so, Donghyuck put his jacket on and covered his head with the hood, left hand aiming his phone at the scene.

  
"Hey!"

  
Donghyuck ran with all his might out of the alley to the crowds as soon as the boys realised that someone is recording what they're doing.

"Fuck! Get him!"

  
Jeno squeezed himself further on the corner, watching two of the high school boys run after Donghyuck in a hurry. The last one followed after giving one last kick to the one on the ground.

  
"This is not over, bastard"

  
Jeno slipped out after making sure all of those three has gone far.  
The memory was now as clear as crystal. The image of a boy, sitting on the ground, hugging his knees together, lips shaking, eyes wavering in tears. The details Jeno didn't even know he noticed at their first meeting. But those cold eyes used to be those same eyes. Just like how those blood tainted lips were the same lips he wished to smile more. He tried to stand up, wanting to run away at the sudden presence, but his legs gave up. Both of them were sure of what they saw, sure who they were.

Aware of each other.

  
"No! Don't come!" Jeno stopped at his track,

  
"It's okay, it's me, Jeno, do you remember?"

  
Renjun remembered, even with the now grown up Jeno, Renjun could immediately recognize him. "That's why I don't want you to come near"

  
"Why?"

  
"Because it's pathetic" Jeno didn't understand and didn't care about what's coming from Renjun's mouth at this time. He crouched down, levelling his eyes with Renjun.

"It's not" he pulled Renjun up by his arms, carefully observing the red and purple marks on Renjun's skin. He's still so skinny. Jeno was sure Renjun had grown taller by a few centimetres or so but all Jeno saw was bones and skins. "I don't need your help"

  
"I said I don't need-"

  
"Shut up and just hold on!"

Renjun found himself floating, both legs in the midair, warmth radiating from the contact his chest made with Jeno's back. They walked down the familiar road, Jeno didn't say a word, probably upset or maybe awkward to start any conversation. And Renjun just kept silent because at the moment, if he speaks anything, Jeno probably wouldn't respond. Jeno's steps get slower as they walk past the park and Renjun knew the reason. Like a sudden flood of memory filled his head at once. Like thousands of flashing pictures flew past his eyes.

  
Renjun felt panic after realising where Jeno took him. His grip on Jeno's shoulder tightened as Jeno called for his mother's name "Welcome home, sweet- Oh my God!"  
She flew to check on her son, cupping his face frantically. "Are you okay, dear?" Her eyes shifted to the boy on her son's back, the same worried gaze towards the boy. Jeno sat Renjun down on the couch, earning a soft groan from the latter. "Let me check on you" she roamed her fingers lightly to check every bruise and cut on Renjun's face and arms.

  
"What happened?"

  
Renjun looked down, not sure how to answer the woman who shared the same features with Jeno. They shared the same lips Renjun always thought looked like a heart. "Hit and run" Jeno replied. "We're walking near the park, so I thought I should just bring him home first"

  
"Jeno, why didn't you call me or seek help? If he happens to have a fracture or a head shock, giving him a piggyback would kill him!" Renjun felt bad, no- terrible. Jeno was covering him in front of his mother, and now he's getting blamed for his kindness instead. "Please don't blame Jeno, Ma'am. It's my fault"

  
She let out a sigh and immediately regained her composure "From what I see, there's nothing to worry about, just some bruises and cuts. But you have to have a check up just in case, I'll make an appointment, you can rest first, I will come to treat your wounds, okay?" Renjun nodded, muttering a soft thank you as she patted his head lightly.

  
"Come on, I'll take you upstairs"

  
Jeno's room was big, bigger than Renjun's living room and kitchen combined. It's not a surprise. "You can wear this, I'll head downstairs" Jeno handed him a clean sweatpants and a white t-shirt before heading out. Renjun made sure to lock the door before stripping his soiled uniform. Not that he's scared Jeno would see him naked, but he's scared Jeno would see the hidden bruises under his clothes.  
Jeno came up again, with a bowl of warm water and a box of first aid kit in the other hand. He observed how Renjun uncomfortably sat on the edge of his bed, his shirt turned into an oversized shirt on Renjun's skinny frame. He looked relieved as Jeno closed the door behind.

  
"Mom got an emergency call" he pulled a chair in front of Renjun, carefully dipping the damp cloth on Renjun's dirty bruises. Renjun has never been this close to anyone, but here, he could see how Jeno's long and curvy eyelashes perfectly framed his round big eyes. He was amazed at how Jeno changed, how he became so good looking and manly. Muscles forming in the right places. Jeno looked big just like his presence. He could tell Jeno was going to be even more handsome as he grew up. Suddenly he felt ashamed of himself, Jeno was how a boy supposed to look like, manly and handsome. Unlike his own skinny dirty features. He was pathetic.

  
As he has always been.

  
.  
"Yea, I'm fine, what about you? hahaha. Over my dead body, Ass hole. Okay, see you on Monday? Oh, and thanks, Donghyuck", Renjun could hear Jeno talking on the phone outside the door. Renjun cursed himself for falling asleep right after Jeno finished treating his wound. He hasn't slept for two nights and that was his limit. He reached his phone on the night stand and sighed at the time. It's 7 pm already. It would be difficult to find a bus back home.

  
"Oh, Sorry. Did I wake you up?" Jeno's words made him pull the blanket up to his chest in reflex. "Ah no, I was just about to go, Sorry, I overslept" Renjun sled out the blanket, softly wishing the warmth wouldn't leave his skins.

  
"Please stay" Jeno seemed to lack control in keeping whatever was on his mind. "I can't. I caused you enough troubles"

  
"Pay me back then. The meds and all"

  
Renjun didn't bring his wallet. Even if he did, he didn't have much money. He only brought enough money for lunch and some changes for the bus ride. "How muc-"

  
"By staying the night"

  
If one could describe a look of a dumbfounded goldfish, it would probably look something similar to the one Renjun had right now. "I've promised mom I'll take you for a checkup tomorrow morning. Besides, I washed your uniforms too so..."

  
The white shirt must be ruined by now. It's the second uniform he bought this year. He couldn't afford another uniform moreover asking his sister for extra money. "You can call your family or I can ask mom to call them if you want to"

  
"I can do that, thank you..."

  
Jeno wasn't sure for what but he nodded anyway. He tried looking anywhere but the pale boy sitting on his bed. The Spaghetti he carefully heated was still on the nightstand. He was about to wake him up but Renjun looked so tired he let him slept for more. Maybe Renjun didn't like spaghetti?

  
"Ah, I will eat it" Jeno immediately scratched his nape awkwardly. Renjun seemed to notice his gaze on the food. And he carefully picked the cold noodle "That's probably cold already" the boy didn't seem to mind as he chewed on the food. "It's good"

  
It wasn't exactly the same snugly smile Jeno remembered. The corner of his lips only stretched weakly, wide enough for Jeno to see his snuggle tooth was gone and it was enough to make him see the same little boy below his window. The one once he was so eager to look for. There were so many questions Jeno wanted to ask.

  
"Just leave the plate there afterwards. You can use whatever is here. I'll be in the room down the corridor if you need anything"

  
Later that night, Jeno slept in his brother's room after wishing Renjun a goodnight.

  
His mother didn't come home, leaving only him and Jeno alone. There, sitting on the same bed Jeno usually slept on, a lot of things came to his mind. Renjun knew that look on Jeno's face before he carefully closed the door. It was the same expression he had back when it was just both of them, sitting on the balcony of the wooden castle. He owed Jeno at least an explanation. He tossed around, which only made the bruises on his skins ache. The clock was so exceptionally slow that he had to check it every ten minutes until it was finally past midnight. That's it. He glanced for the last time at the clock and dragged his body out of the bed, he walked down the corridor to the room on the other end of the one he was. With the same brown wooden door, he observed the knob carefully. Now that he thought about it again, it's half past midnight, Jeno might have been asleep. But the door cracked faster than Renjun's steps.

  
"Here" Jeno put a cup of warm milk in front of him, the same warm cup in his both hands.

  
"It must be difficult for you to sleep with the wounds"

  
Renjun stayed quiet. Looking at the floating cinnamon stick inside the mug. "If you don't want to talk about it, it's okay" As if he could read Renjun's mind, Jeno broke the silence. But Renjun knew it wasn't fair for Jeno.

  
"That day, I'm glad we didn't meet. I'm glad I'm not trying to climb up the wall to meet you-"

  
"-my father was furious that I didn't come home. He's really abusive when mother isn't around. And that day, something happened. And I'm glad, just glad I didn't come to see you" Renjun stopped, not sure how to explain things further. "Did he beat you up badly?"

  
"No-",

"He killed mother"

  
~~~

  
Jeno insisted on taking Renjun home even though he said it's okay. They sat side by side, drizzles slowly pouring outside the window. He could feel the cold air brushed against the fabric of his uniform. He looked down at the slightly loose white shirt. Brand new and smelt like it just pulled out of the plastic wrap. Jeno came knocking on the door at six with his freshly ironed uniform. "I accidentally burned your shirt so please accept this one, I never wear it cause it's a bit small"

  
Renjun was sure it would fit Jeno nicely but that's all he could do, accepting the brand new white shirt Jeno never wore. He didn't get to see his soiled one, he just wished the blood stains would come off before Jeno had the chance to see them. Jeno on the other hand had his casual jeans with a grey shirt under his blue navy jacket. They both went straight to the administration table and explained they came for a checkup appointment. It was relieving to know he has no major internal injuries. Some bruises would take weeks to fade but everything else was fine.

  
"Do you usually take the bus to school too?"

  
"No, I take the subway, the bus doesn't have a route directly to my school. I just need to walk fifteen minutes from the station"

  
Jeno cried, when he told him about his father who caused his mother's death. Renjun himself was sure that he didn't cry when his father hit his mother's head with a beer bottle, or when the ambulance took the cold body away, he didn't cry. It was just about time when his abusive father did something that could kill anyone in the house. He has a revolver that he kept close to his waist. It wasn't loaded, Renjun once sneakily checked the gun without his father knowing. Renjun used to wish that his father would be too drunk he loaded the revolver and pulled the trigger on himself by chance. Some nights were bad but some other nights were worse. It was a blessing on its own to walk out the house the next day without a new bruise. Beats after beats he took in silence because it only made things worse if he made any noises. Sadness would never heal any wounds; tears would not bring the dead back. That's why Renjun didn't cry. But Jeno did.

  
"I've never been to this part of the town" Jeno confessed when Renjun pushed the stop button. It's a forty minutes trip from the nearest bus station from the hospital. It's just a small apartment complex, five stories. The building looked worn out and old. He could see the drizzle went through some holes on the roof.

"Do you want to come in? The rain is getting heavier" It wasn't much compared to Jeno's grande house. But it was home for Renjun.

"Can i?" Renjun nodded, taking out the key from his trousers' pocket. It's just a small apartment, but neat and clean. Contrast with the appearance outside. "Your sister?" Renjun nodded again. Jeno observed the picture carefully, they shared a lot of similarity, especially their smiles. If Renjun put on some weight and wore a wig, he probably would look like his sister's twin "I live with her now, but she's rarely at home"

"Was she also there that night?"

  
"She's been living with our uncle since elementary, mother couldn't afford enough money for both of us, and father just couldn't stay sober. But now that she's working in the town, she leaves this house for me to take care"

  
Staying with Jeno was fun even though they just sat on the cramped couch watching whatever movie the channel was playing. Sometimes Jeno would make grumpy comments every time the character did something that Jeno thought was nonsense. He would also occasionally imitate the home shopping lady on the commercial break. "Mom makes me watch this all the time, asking if the product will make her looks younger"

  
As the clock struck two in the evening, Renjun could hear grumble from Jeno's stomach, who gave him a cheeky grin.

  
Renjun surely knew how to surprise Jeno. "Wow, this is amazing!" Jeno sparkly eyes beamed at the potato soup Renjun made. "Is it good?"

  
"Best" two thumbs up from Jeno. "It's my first time cooking for anyone beside my sister, so I'm a bit worried. I'm glad you like it" Renjun chuckled "Can you cook me a lunch box so I can show off to my friend?"  
Renjun thought Jeno was joking, but he really meant it because the later suggested they went to a grocery shop after the meal. "I'll pick the lunch Monday morning at your school's gate, okay?"

"You know my school?"

  
"Donghyuck lives around there, he once told me about a school near his house. I can't believe we never cross paths, I often go there though" Jeno licked clean his spoon, making Renjun giggled louder. "You are amazing, Renjun. You sure know how to amaze people"

  
The rain didn't stop till evening, Jeno contacted his mom but unluckily, she had surgery later tonight. Renjun offered with his low voice for Jeno to stay over, for a moment Renjun thought Jeno would refuse, he stayed in silence for a minute before agreeing. And everything was settled.

  
Not until it's time to sleep, Jeno insisted on taking the couch that barely could fit his back. But Renjun, being his best to be a good host, wanted Jeno to use his bed instead, which was impossible for Jeno to accept. Renjun was injured, he needed a good rest, and sleeping on the couch in a big no. His sister's room was locked and she forgot to put the key in Renjun's room before she left. So they reached an agreement that both of them would sleep on the single bed. It was awkward at first, because their arms would brush with each other with a slight movement. But Jeno didn't seem to mind it, they lied there, staring at the ceiling while Jeno was storytelling about their first meeting, about how Jeno waited at the wooden castle but Renjun never showed up, about how Jeno wondered if Renjun got really sick after that day that's why he never showed up, or simply about how he was trying to forget Renjun.

  
"You wanted to forget me?" Renjun turned his head. Jeno stopped, before pursing his lips, thinking. "I thought you'll do it as well"

  
But Renjun never forgot, even if he wanted to. Jeno was the first person he met to offer him help, to offer a dirty wounded stranger a handshake. Renjun was about to explain when Jeno let out a big yawn. Renjun smiled, wishing Jeno a goodnight before turning the light out. Jeno drifted to the dreamland in a blink, on the other hand, Renjun was perplexed, His eyes wouldn't shut. In all of a sudden, all he heard was Jeno's soft breathing. It's weird to have someone else on his bed. He could presence the weight on the other side of the bed as Jeno stirred around. He carefully glanced at Jeno with the corner of his eye, as if he's scared of getting caught trying to take a glance. Jeno's chest rose and fell in a steady pace.

  
They're both almost fourteen. In all those years, many things happened while he missed little Jeno's presence, sitting beside him. Waiting patiently for him to speak. Jeno's warm and bigger hands, his round sparkly eyes staring into the space. Their lives collided for a short moment, but Renjun never forgot.


	3. Wild

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Leave this blue neighbourhood  
> Never knew loving could hurt this good  
> And it drives me wild  
> 'Cause when you look like that  
> I've never ever wanted to be so bad  
> It drives me wild"
> 
> -Wild,Troye Sivan

Monday came and for the first time in his life, Renjun wasn't sure of his cooking skill anymore. He had promised to make a lunch box for Jeno. A simple lunch consisted of rice balls with different filling (Squids, Chicken and tuna), salad with lime dressing, and egg stir dish. He put less chili because he noticed Jeno couldn't handle spicy food. He was already full just by tasting the rice, making sure it was perfectly cooked and seasoned. He took one last glance and closed the lid, praying it would survive the morning rush in the subway. The time on the station's clock struck seven. He wondered if Jeno would eventually come to fetch his lunch, it would be a waste because it's twice his portion. He didn't usually have dinner either, or close friends he could share it with. Or he could share it with the janitor if Jeno didn't come.

Maybe he wouldn't come.

Maybe.

_"Oh Lord, he is so handsome!"_

_"Isn't that East Coast junior's uniform?"_

_"He is really cool!"_

But Jeno came.

Velvet tints crept up his cheeks as he rubbed his hands together, blowing hot air. And Jeno's smile bloomed when he finally noticed the boy he's waiting for. Waving his hands wildly, Jeno just ruined his cool. Really. "Good morning! It's getting colder these days, isn't it?"

"You're here already?" Renjun made sure he came twenty minutes earlier. Was his phone's clock broken? Jeno flashed his gummy smile.

"About ten minutes? I thought I'll come earlier so I can see you coming" No one ever spared their time for him. Moreover, waited for him. Renjun always made sure to arrive at school early, he also attended his study club and music club on time. He could feel his face burning despite the cold breeze. He was waiting for him. Jeno cupped the side of Renjun's face with his palms. Squishing his rosy cheeks "You are turning red. Are you touched?"

"It's cold! You're talking nonsense" There's something with the way Jeno laughed. He would slightly throw his head back and roared with his mouth widely open. Even if he noticed how Jeno still looked good while laughing like that, he didn't say it.

Renjun suddenly could feel the stares from the others on them, some probably thinking about how cool Jeno was, and some probably wondering why someone like Jeno would come to see a nerd like him. "Is it my lunch?" The blue handkerchief wrapped lunch box was now on Jeno's hands.

"Don't open it here" Jeno tied the wrapper again

"All right, I'll open it at school, Oh-wait a minute" Renjun watched as Jeno picked up the call, he would laugh and make an inappropriate remark at the person on the phone.

"I gotta go now, Donghyuck is being a sassy brat right now. Now that I remember, can I have your number, Renjun?" Jeno seemed to not taking no for an answer, Renjun's flip phone was already in Jeno's grip. He carefully typed his number and dialed it. His own phone rang, blaring Breaking the Habit. Renjun knew that much from the poster in Jeno's room that he liked Linkin Park and Metallica, and so Renjun listened to them. Rock wasn't so bad. He preferred classical music though, 'A high class taste for a poor kid like him' Renjun chuckled at his own thought. "There, I put mine in, I'll call you later, Renjun" Jeno's hand once again found his way to rest on Renjun's side of the face.

He dashed off before Renjun could find his words to Jeno's goodbye. He shouldn't do that, because Renjun put an extra effort to style his hair this morning, Jeno shouldn't have messed it up.

~~~

"Jeno! someone's here to see you!"

He turned his head at the voice, Donghyuck craned his neck to see who's calling for his best friend. His face turned sour, lips pouting in annoyance as he noticed the brunette girl standing on the door, waiting for the so called Jeno to come out.

"There, your girlfriend"

Jeno only raised his eyebrows, he jogged to the beautiful young lady. "Hey, what's up, Siyeon?"

"Did you have lunch?" Siyeon tucked the strain of her hairs behind her ears.

"No, I just finished copying the notes"

"Let's have lunch together, my treat" she flashed a smile. Jeno knew Siyeon almost the same time as he knew Donghyuck but they never shared the same class, even when they got into the same middle school. He only got to interact with her through student council. "Actually.. I bring my own lunch ,so..."

He awkwardly scratched his neck Her beautiful smile faded, disappointment clearly has taken over her eyes.

"Is that so? then can't you bring yours and eat with me in the cafeteria?" Jeno turned his head at Donghyuck, obviously still pouting at the scene. "Yea, sure. I'll catch you there, okay" that small smile bloomed again on Siyeon's face. She nodded, skipping her steps to the cafeteria first. Now Donghyuck was clinging to Jeno like a leech, twisting Jeno's arm as he snuggled and giggled like a crazy person. "Stop it, You-" And Jeno gave up, letting Donghyuck did whatever he wanted.

"Hey, sorry for the wait" She clearly didn't expect Jeno would bring another companion, a rather suspicious companion who was now smiling creepily behind Jeno's back. They took the seat across her. And Jeno couldn't help to notice the lack of food in front of her

"You only ordered salads and juice?"

"I'm on diet" Girls were surely weird; why would they do something like starving themselves to just look a little bit skinnier than they already were? When he's with Renjun, he could see how the ridiculously skinny Renjun didn't care about his health. He made breakfast, especially when his sister was home. Had lunch in school and skipped dinner because he reasoned and Jeno quoted 'Still full from lunch'. His fridge was filled with ready served food, nuggets, sausages, canned beef, canned sardines, lots of cans. His mother would be crying if she knew what Renjun consumed every day, but that's right, Renjun didn't have a mother nor anyone who could remind him of having a proper meal. His sister probably just gave him money only enough for him to take care of the house that's why he stocked up canned foods.

"R.H?" Donghyuck scrambled to open the wrap, when he found a sticky note stuck on top of the box. "You little-that's mine"

Donghyuck lifted both arms, surrendered as he pushed the box back in front of Jeno. "All right, there's no need to be so possessive. "Who's RH? It wasn't from your mom?" Siyeon's eyes followed as Donghyuck suspiciously interrogated Jeno.

"Mom's abandoning her handsome son alone in the house this week-"

"That doesn't answer his question" four eyes landed on Siyeon who seemed to be shocked by her own sudden blurt

.

.

.

.

"My childhood friend"

~~~

He closed his books and packed his things. Most of the club members were gone already. He stayed a bit to put the music books back to the shelf. His phone beeped, a notification of someone sending him a text.

" _It was super delicious! Donghyuck was drooling, but I didn't give him any hehehe. I'll call you later, okay? Practice is starting_ " The corner of his lips pulled when he scrolled down to find Jeno's picture, holding an empty lunch box.

"Renjun Huang?"

There stood a girl Renjun never met in his life, or maybe they crossed paths once or twice, but Renjun was sure he never noticed. "Can I have your time?"

He placed his bag and stood up, giving the girl his attention.

"Sure" She seemed to be really calm but Renjun noticed how she fidgeted with the hem of her skirt.

"Do you have a lover at the moment?"

All right, this was awkward. "No" her eyes sparkled at the answer.

"Then, can you help me with something?"

"Ah, sorry, I'm Shuhua, From class D"

"Oh, I'm Renjun Hua-"

"I know. oh, sorry" she looked down again, sighing.

"What I'm gonna ask you sounds ridiculous and might offend you, but it's just this once. Will you come to a date for me?"

And the more she explained, the more ridiculous it got. Because there's no way, Renjun would agree to go to a blind date with another boy. He realised he's still not sure about his sexuality yet, maybe because he never fell in love with anyone before. He found girls to be appealing and beautiful, but he also admired some boys and it couldn't be called love at all. Shuhua asked for a favor which actually Renjun didn't really mind. It's just a one time meeting anyway. And so Renjun said yes. Shuhua's eyes were glistening in joy, she shook his hands over and over, saying that she would definitely pay back the favour, that she owed him her life.

"I have to do something tomorrow, sorry."

" _Is that so? I want to buy a pair of shoes, though_ " Jeno sighed from the other line. He kept his promise to call Renjun. Just in time as he closed his English text book and closed his window.

"I will make it up the day after tomorrow, how about that?" But Jeno has club practice for the next three days after tomorrow, it's almost the time for winter tournament's preliminary after all. He was so enthusiastic to talk about his club and his friend. Having close friends seemed fun. " _Then, what about on the weekend?_ " Maybe weekend was a good idea, they could spend all day hanging out just two of them.

"Okay, I'll catch you later?" and Renjun bid him goodnight.

Jeno wanted to buy a pair of new shoes, he set his eyes on a certain model and assumed it would be better to see around and compare the price first. He didn't have much spare budget especially after using the money he's supposed to buy his basketball equipment with to buy a new guitar instead. He has to painfully use his extra money he saved for almost eight months to buy this new shoes he desperately needed.

"Are you still sulking about your first love turning you down?" Donghyuck put his arm on Jeno's shoulder.

"Shut up, Donghyuck" They packed their books as soon as the bell rang. He laughed louder as Jeno stared at him coldly.

"Should we have our own adventure?"

Jeno has forgotten about his disappointment of not meeting Renjun today. Donghyuck distracted him with their own outing, going to the comic store, to a game centre, they even walked around the fancy store to drool over the newest edition of the sneakers they have been wanting to buy and definitely not the one on Jeno budget's range.

"Every boy in the city wears that, we should have them" Donghyuck claimed, Jeno just laughs drily. Remembering each coin that he counted from his savings to buy the shoes. "Let's just go back to the previous store and buy the one I had planned"

There, from the corner of his eyes, he saw the much familiar figure inside the shop, standing near the newly arrived section, still wearing his uniform. A boy about their age stood beside him, checking out the sneakers he and Donghyuck just talked about.

"Hey, Jeno. Do you hear me?"

"Huh? What did you just say?" Jeno turned his attention back to Donghyuck "I said, what about we grab some burgers and head to my home after? my brother will lend us his newest video game CD"

"Cool, I'm in" Jeno took one last glance inside the shop, but that figure was not there anymore.

Maybe it wasn't Renjun after all.

~~~

Jeno came the next Sunday knocking on Renjun's apartment door. Leather jacket, navy jeans, and full face helmet. Renjun almost mistook him as a delivery man if he didn't open the helmet glass and grinned.

"You can ride a motorcycle?" Now Renjun felt so under dressed with a simple graphic t-shirt and black jeans, "I bought the shoes already, so let's go somewhere else". He ran back to his room and grabbed a denim jacket from the hamper. This could do it. He made sure to lock the door and catch the other boy waiting downstairs

"Hop on" he handed another helmet.

"Is this even safe? you aren't legal yet, what if we got caught by police?"

"It's okay, I got my brother's license" It didn't make sense at all, sure Jeno and his big brother shared some similar features, but anyone could tell that they're two different persons. "But your brother's more handsome, they won't believe us" Renjun sometimes found teasing Jeno was fun.

The latter frowned and started the engine. "Just get on already"

Ignoring the fact that Renjun's life was in the hand of a fourteen years old teenager with no license, he hopped on, putting his hands on Jeno's waist and started praying for his life. Renjun couldn't believe where Jeno was taking him, they rode to the city. Five hours riding. Scratch that. Three and a half hours with the way Jeno carelessly rode his motorcycle. Renjun could feel his ass and waist hurt when he got down.

"Since it's the weekend, I think we should go somewhere further." "And you take me to a hospital?" Jeno laughed, ruffling Renjun's soft brown hair which now seemed to become a habit Jeno himself didn't notice.

"I want you to meet someone" Jeno explained that his mother used to work here before they moved to the town. He used to like spending his Sunday here playing with the kids. Even after moving there, he came every now and then when he visited his brother in the city. The hospital in the city was huge, this was the first time he ever went to the city. All his life, Renjun spent his time in the town. Jeno only smiled when he saw how Renjun was amused by everything in the hospital. But Renjun soon realised and stopped looking around. That was definitely embarrassing.

"Jeno!" a kid smashed himself on to Jeno, who easily lifted him into his arms. The boy squeezed the older in a hug, arms clinging to Jeno's neck. The boy giggled louder as he jumped down almost immediately and dragged Jeno to jump around, yelling some chants in glee. The nurse had to stop and reminded him not to jump too high.

"It's okay, Miss Jae. I see you have gotten really strong, Chenle" The small boy grinned, showing his missing upper tooth. Then his eyes shifted to Renjun, observing the tall boy from head to toe with his round eyes.

"Pretty sister"

Jeno burst into laughter, while Renjun tried his best to stop his cheeks burning red at the young kid's words. He really wanted to run away but Chenle slammed his body this time on Renjun's legs, arms raised trying to reach Renjun's face that was twice his height.

"He's brother Renjun, Chenle, not sister Renjun" Chenle gaped, as if it's the first time in his life he ever knew a reality he just couldn't believe. Jeno picked him up and stood in front of red faced Renjun.

"I don't mean to upset Brother Renjun" Chenle suddenly was on the verge of crying when he saw how red Renjun's face was from up close.

"No, no, I'm not angry, it's just ..embarrassing" Both of them then smiled. Chenle liked Renjun a lot, he grabbed Renjun's face and hair, asking how Renjun looked pretty with short hair and if he would look pretty too if he cut his hair like Renjun did.

"You don't want to cut your hair?"

Renjun noticed Chenle's hair that's slightly longer at the back. "Jisung from the D section doesn't want to play with me when I said I want to marry him, he said he will marry the long haired doctor. I think maybe if I have long hair too, he will marry me"

"It's because he's a boy, Chenle. Of course you can't marry Jisung"

Jeno, who was observing Renjun and Chenle, replied. "But I like him a lot" the boy looked down at Renjun's lap.

"That's not the way it is, Chenle. Boys can only marry girls"

Chenle burst into a cry, hot streams of tears fell from his eyes. "I can't marry Jisung? But I can play with him forever if I marry him" his small hands gripped Renjun's shirt tight. And Renjun couldn't help to submerge the little boy into his embrace. Jeno sighed, Chenle could be really stubborn and a crybaby, well most kids were.

"I want to marry Jisung. I love him!"

It was funny to hear a kid talking about love. But Renjun appreciated how pure it was to define love as simple as the happiness Chenle had every time he's with Jisung. Love was that simple, in the eyes of a four-years-old Chenle.

"Chenle, even if you can't marry Jisung, both of you still can be friends, you don't have to marry someone just to be happy together" Renjun's hands rubbed on the younger's back.

"Really?" he looked up, face still wet from all the crying. Renjun wiped his face gently.

"Just like Brother Renjun and Jeno?" Renjun could feel his heart stopped beating in that moment. He immediately turned his gaze on Jeno who has the same surprised expression on his face. The pair of round eyes were still staring at Renjun expectantly, waiting for an answer.

"Yes, just like me and your Jeno"

.

It was awkward at first, both of them didn't know how to deal with the situation. Jeno decided to act as if it was something trivial, but Renjun couldn't do that. The un-describable expression on Jeno's face when he said those words to Chenle still lingered. But Renjun was too scared to ask and explain anything, maybe because there's nothing to explain in the first place. Jeno still came to Renjun's house to hangout, sometimes Jeno asked him to make him lunch. But as the time reached the end of the semester, both of them has to focus on the exam, they're going to hit their last year soon.

To make things worse, Jeno has his region's championship coming up on the winter break, his last championship. He spent his time studying and practising while Renjun was alone with his usual boring day. Jeno would occasionally text and call, but they have gotten lesser as the exam was reaching within a week. For the first time, not any of Jeno's name displayed on Renjun's screen for five consecutive days. Renjun never really has the initiative for calling or texting Jeno first, and he was aware of it.

Maybe Jeno has gotten tired of his cold and lack of initiation on this friendship, maybe Jeno finally realised Renjun was not worth any of his time. But Yangyang was there. Renjun considered him nice but sometimes he was too kind for Christ's sake. After the date, Renjun found out that Yangyang did that only to avoid a specific boy chasing after him. And hell, there's no way Yangyang was actually into boys. He's an avid church boy and the problem was, the boy chasing after him was one persistent boy, he didn't budge when Yangyang said he said he didn't have any feelings or when he said Yangyang had already seeing someone. Yangyang hated to break anyone's heart, but he couldn't take it anymore, so he asked his cousin to set a date with someone who will make the boy believe Yangyang was seeing a boy, a gorgeous one any straight boy will fall in love with. It's Yangyang's name again that appeared on his screen, they're texting about this bookstore Yangyang went to. It was this side of Yangyang that Renjun felt comfortable with. He could share any conversation with him and would not be bored. They shared over same hobbies of music. He once went to Yangyang's house that looked straight like a mansion from the magazine. And there's where Yangyang found out Renjun was being humble with his piano skill he described before.

**From Yangyang**

You're bored, aren't you?

**To Yangyang**

Why would you say that?

**From Yangyang**

Just feeling, you know, you can say it, Renjun

I feel bad for dragging you on and on with a boring topic

**To Yangyang**

Sorry, I'm just not in the mood for anything lately

**From Yangyang**

It's okay, I think you just need a break. Then text me if you need a companion okay?

Renjun didn't reply again. He buried his face on the pillow. I'm just the worst friend ever. He mumbled softly. He curled up himself on the bed, wondering if he's too much of an asshole for both Jeno and Yangyang as friends. They're literally the only two people he got along with. He should have tried a little harder to keep a friendship. It wouldn't hurt to try.

**To Jeno**

Hey, how was the practice going? I kinda want to see you


	4. Animal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An ode to the boy I love  
> Boy, I'll die to care for you  
> You're mine, mine, mine, tell me to who do I owe that to?  
> And as the days fly by  
> We'll be more than getting through, yeah  
> And in time, time, time, we'll build a home for two
> 
> \- Animal, Troye Sivan

It's been two days, Renjun counted every minute of it. It was agonising to think that it might be a little bit selfish for him. Knowing well that Jeno was the one who always tried. But having someone around was something he never could get used to easily. Anything could go wrong just by doing or saying things he didn't mean to. It was never his forte to understand other human beings.

He looked around the empty house, his sister was not gonna come home until tomorrow afternoon and he's all alone again. He's done his homework, cleaned the house, even washed the dish. He tried and tried to take his attention away from the phone or to the cookie box he prepared for Jeno's mother ( a token of his gratitude). He could call him and ask if he could bring the cookie over. _Or not_. Jeno might not be available. Renjun just couldn't help to wish for a certain name to appear on the screen. Not for the actual person to actually appear on his doorway.

"Jeno, why are- what are you doing?"

His dark hair was all wet from the sweats, some drops of the perspiration were even still dripping from his temple. White smoke rose from between his freezing lips. Those eyes staring deeply into his own.

"I want to see you too"

Renjun could feel himself burning despite the cold November air and the fact that Jeno shamelessly blurted out that words calmly only made it worse. The sound of a running shower has never been so distracting than right at this moment. His backpack and wet clothes lied on Renjun's bedroom floor. So Renjun rushed to the kitchen to distract himself for imagining things and just in case Jeno hadn't had his lunch or was already hungry for dinner. By the time Renjun finished making a simple omelette, Jeno came out of the bedroom fully clothed in jog pants and a dinosaur print t-shirt. "Are you hungry?" and Jeno eagerly nodded.

The feast was quiet, Renjun expected Jeno to start a conversation, but again, Renjun always the one expecting first.

"So..how was the practice going?" It was dumb of him to repeat the same question from the previous text because now his cheeks were burning again. "Tiring, but I made it. Today is the last day of the training camp. We went to the mountain for a week"

"You went to a training camp?" Renjun couldn't believe his ears.

"It was really hard just to get one line on the signal sign" It was weird, because Renjun found himself sighing in relief. Jeno was not avoiding him. "I was about to tell you once I arrived there, but I gave up since it's really hard to get the signal"

"I'm glad"

And Jeno looked up, their eyes properly met for the first time after a full week of not seeing each other. "I- I mean I thought you're mad and – and a-avoiding me or something" the words sounded more like a mumble.

"I what?"

Jeno probably felt like hearing wrong things since Renjun said it out with too many stutters in one sentence. "You know I can't get mad at you" Jeno laughed and Renjun suddenly couldn't hear his heart beating for a moment.

"Can we watch the next part of the Titanic after this?" Renjun tried to change the topic, walking himself to the sink. "You haven't watched it?" Jeno put his spoon down, leaning back on the chair to relax himself. Renjun was fast to grab Jeno's plate. "Hey-" Jeno insisted on doing the dishes. There's no way he would let his guest do such a thing.

"I thought we should watch it together"

"You could just watch it, I've watched it like five times already" Even so, they settled on the same cramp couch in Renjun's living room. The clock struck seven in the evening while Renjun went to take a bath and Jeno made a call back home. The cookie box securely tucked inside his bag, just in case he forgot like he usually did with his things.

"That looks painful" Renjun made a comment when Rose showed off her _pointe_. Jeno could see Renjun cringed at the scene, maybe imagining what would happen if Jack didn't catch her and she tragically slammed her head on the floor instead. Rose was pulling Jack back to her room. They giggled as if it's the funniest thing in the universe, to run hand in hand, ignoring the reality and consequences they could get.

"Draw me like one of your French girls" Jeno said along the dialogue.

The first time Jeno watched the uncensored version, his brother was there, next to him to laugh his ass off at Jeno's flushed face. And so Jeno hoped to see it on Renjun.

But Renjun cried. Renjun was fucking crying.

The crystal droplets fell slowly, trickling down his cheeks in a slow motion. Jeno was stunned. They're watching a nude scene where Rose was posing on the couch and Jack was there watching her intensely, drawing her image on the rough paper, and Renjun was crying. His sniffle slipped out when Jack finished his drawing, showing it to Rose. Renjun's eyes were still fixated on the screen, the tears dried off at the scene where they kissed and the ship ran to the iceberg. At this point, Jeno was not watching the movie anymore, his eyes were on Renjun, watching every single change on Renjun's expression.

"He's dead" His voice almost came out like a whisper as Jack's image slowly sinking down to the blue.

"Renjun" Jeno called out.

And for the first time after the movie, Renjun met Jeno's eyes again, strangely closed right in front of him this time, and it's just getting weirder because he could feel the warm lips on his.

_Jeno kissed him._

~~~

Just like any other Monday, Jeno woke up as the alarm rang at 5 am. He was on his bed, sheet and blanket tangling in a mess. Last night was a tough battle to get himself drifted to dream. He ended up tossing around on the bed, constantly blaming and cursing the innocent pillow. He slipped out his pyjama pants and put on a training suit. Earphones hanging from both ears, covered in a black beanie and the hood of his _Adidas_ jacket.

The jog was quiet and cold, just like it has always been. But Jeno enjoyed it. Now that he's old enough-according to his dad, of course he was- to explore the neighbourhood alone, he wouldn't have to leave a ' _I'm going out_ ' sticky note on the fridge for his mom to see.

The playlist on his iPhone kept him company. Until the fucking _Wild_ played in his earphone. He stopped, it was the song he played the whole week of the training camp. He wasn't a fan of some pop songs, he loved _Linkin Park_ and _Metallica_ , anything with raps, screams, and some underground music with lots of electro touch were in his list. But this song, just lingered on his goodnight playlist, literally abusing his earphones. It was last Sunday, when they returned from visiting Chenle. Jeno didn't understand what was happening, but suddenly it just seemed to be awkward to do anything, he didn't dare to say anything because he himself, was not sure of what was happening with him or with Renjun. Monday came fast, ignoring the sleepless night Jeno had before. His bag was already sitting on his chair, and then he remembered, he had a training camp for a week. The members were clinging to the captain as he made his presence on the bus, "What the fuck are you guys talking about?"

"Donghyuck told us, you had a date yesterday" The mentioned person whistled. Jeno was going to kill him but then he realised he had not told Renjun about his training. He was about to, but yesterday turned out to be kind of... unexpected. _Wait, why would I tell Renjun?_

_Maybe Renjun doesn't want to know_

The next day, his mind and body were occupied by the harsh training. His body ached every time he lied down on the bed for the night. And again, when basketball was out of his mind, Renjun came back to claim his place on Jeno's thought. The words were typed but his finger was faster to erase it again. Maybe he should just call.

_The number you are calling is out of reach_

Fuck.

All his courage broke down, _it's fate_. "Do you have anything that can help me sleep, Felix?"

The bulky _point forward_ squinted his eyes. "Wanna hear some songs my sis recommended to me?"

And so the album was now sitting on his playlist. "Who the hell listens to pop as a lullaby?"

Felix just laughed "Don't say that. My sister always sleeps with the music on"

It wasn't so bad at first, at least better options rather than listening to heavy drumming from _rock_ . It was supposed to help him sleep but the lyrics, damn lyrics, were echoing in his ears. Every word of the lyric was stimulating his brain to reenact scenes he wished- he prayed and begged to God- to not come up at this moment. He wished he's not good in English himself, he wished he just misheard the lyrics, but no. He heard them clearly and the scene was still playing in his mind. There's Renjun and their first meet, there's Renjun and his oversized hoodie, there's Renjun and his quiet, there's Renjun and his wounds, there's Renjun and their promise, there's Renjun and his fluffy raven hair, there's Renjun and his rice balls, there's Renjun and his slender grips on his waist, and there's Renjun and his _'Yes, just like me and your Jeno'_

Things about Renjun and his blablabla kept him away from sleep (which he desperately needed for the sake of his sanity), even when he smashed the skip button to play his _Linkin Park_ playlist instead, Renjun was still there. It's damn frustrating.

By the time his mind gave up to his exhausted body and fell asleep, Jeno has to wake again -because it's suddenly 5 am in the morning- only to find a boner inside his pyjama pants. Jeno was late for morning jog, and the coach was not pleased.

Jeno redeemed his esteem as the captain with leading their team to victory in the join match later that afternoon. As soon as the sun set, Jeno was facing the same problem as last night, same sleepless night and same boner in the morning. He came to a conclusion that he's just sexually frustrated, he had a hard training every day and his body plus his puberty hormone just couldn't catch up with his rationality. That's it.

But as he sat on the way home on the Sunday afternoon, his phone beeped.

_I kinda want to see you_

Fuck rationality.

Jeno came down in front of Donghyuck's house. "You want to sleep over?" eyebrows raised at Jeno who was trailing behind Donghyuck to come down.

"No, I gotta drop somewhere first" and Jeno ran faster, taking a detour to the subway.

And he found himself in front of Renjun's door. Lifting his knuckles to knock. _Just do it, Jeno._

And so it came down to this. He really fucked things up. He kissed Renjun, with Rose crying on the background and Jack sinking to the bottom. The supposed to be night out at Renjun's place was forcefully cancelled because Jeno ruined it, because Renjun was giving him a shocked face and Jeno has this urge to bury himself alive. It's official, he has no control of his hormone. He's going to be dead.

~~~

The rest of the week was just not any better, Jaehyun brought along his super pretty girlfriend on the late winter family dinner. Mom was ecstatic, and dad was just as delighted. Rose was definitely Jeno's living version of an angel. She's beautiful, has a very enchanting smile, great attitude, stunning manners, and everything every man could wish for. They came all the way home in between their busy days in the city. Jaehyun had started to work for the government in the capital where he met Rose, the daughter of his superior who happened to be a news announcer his father always talked about.

"You'll be playing in the regional championship?"

Jeno snapped his mind back to the conversation. "Yes, all of us are really looking forward to this season. It's my last game before we hit third year"

"That's amazing. Jaehyun always talks about Jeno's game. I bet he's as excited as Jeno" Jaehyun's face beet red, mom's laughing and dad couldn't help to make a funny comment about his brother's secret brotherly love. He liked Rose, she's fun. She even helped him to wash the dishes when his parents clearly wanted Rose to take a rest after the long trip. "It's really okay. Mom will scold me if she knew"

Rose laughed, he could understand why Jaehyun fell in love with her. "Then let's take the scolding together"

"Jaehyun also tells me a lot about you, he loves you, I bet my whole life on it" this time the pretty lady chuckled, carefully rinsing the glasses. "What do you know about love, Young man?" her tone was rather playful this time. "I don't know, but I suppose that's what you call love when you think and care about someone all the time, right?"

"Then, is there any lucky girl you think and care about all this time, Jeno?"

Jeno was getting more frustrated because yes, he has someone, but he was certain that Renjun was not a girl. He's supposed to love a girl, that's what boys do, fell in love with girls. He's not sure if it's love, but Renjun still lingered in his mind even after a full week of not seeing nor communicating with him. Jeno has come to a conclusion that he should avoid Renjun just to make sure if it's gonna disappear soon.

Later that night after dinner, Jaehyun knocked on his door asking if he had time to spend. Jeno was glad that nothing had changed between them even when their surroundings did. "I like her" Jeno confessed and Jaehyun laughed. "Then, tell me about your flaming crush and desire of the youth"

"I don't have such a thing as the flaming crush and desire of the youth" Jeno chuckled. "No fun" Jaehyun plopped his long arms and limbs out on the bed. "All right, let's shift the topic a bit, is there any girl you like at the moment?"

_Girl?_ "Nope"

"Any girl?"

Jeno shook his head. "That's weird. Then you must be doing it while watching porn"

"Dude!" Jeno groaned, so that's what Jaehyun meant when he asked about anyone he liked. "Seriously? is that what you are wondering all this time? How do I release my flaming crush and desire of the youth as you said it?"

Jaehyun was still laughing and it irked Jeno even more. Really, what a lovely brother. "Oh, Come on. It's nothing to be embarrassed about, we're both guys and I've been in your shoes, so it's normal for me to be concern about you-"

"-especially since you freaked out at your first wet dream-" _Smack_. The pillow was supposed to land on Jaehyun's laughing face instead of his shoulder. "That's not funny"

"Sorry, sorry" The older wiped his tears with the back of his hand. "Anyway, not only me, but mom and dad are also concern about you since you barely tell us about your personal life' s problem"

"I don't have personal life's problem"

"Really? then how do you explain that sour face of yours? Mom told me that you've been wearing it for the past week" Jeno knew everyone noticed his troubled face. Especially his brother, but not a single person should know about Renjun. "I'm just worried about the exam and the game, I don't want to disappoint anyone"

Jaehyun sighed, Jeno didn't know what that meant, was he relieved that it's not something to worry about or was it because he knew Jeno was telling him a lie and he's disappointed in him. Jeno preferred the first option.

"Mom also said you've been locking yourself in the house, she thought you have a problem with your friends or something."

"Sorry" Jeno really meant it, for making everybody worry.

"It's glad to hear that you're okay, just remember, if you ever need someone to talk to and help you, I'm here. Always"

~~~

The exam went well, Renjun was sure he would be in the top three, he has to be, for the sake of his scholarship. Everybody was in glee that it's- finally- over. Some of his classmates have started to discuss what they should do before Christmas holiday. "Hey, let's watch next week's game in the city together!"

"What is this? Since when did you have interest in basketball?"

"Ah I know! You want to see the cheerleaders right?"

"Shut up! What nonsense are you talking about?"

Renjun could care less about the rest of their conversation. _The game, huh?_ Renjun smiled bitterly. Three weeks of silence between him and Jeno was more than enough to give him both confusion and (luckily) time to study hard. Along the walk home Renjun realised how much he had spent his time both only at home and school, Yangyang was in Ireland visiting his grandparents and he had no one to sit across him in this _McDonald_ 's seat. He glanced outside the window, wondering when the first snow would fall. His attention was focused on the road that he missed the new group walking towards the queue. His Oreo _McFlurry_ has melted halfway but Renjun has already full with only a box of nuggets. _Let's just go back home._

Jeno was there, standing on the line, eyes scanning the menu before him as Renjun stood to clean his tray. "Jeno, we'll wait there" they walked past Renjun to the seat he just left. And his eyes met with the hazel eyes he never knew would remember. Jeno only stared at him for a good two seconds before shifting his gazes towards the counter again.

A part of him wanted Jeno to pretend like he's not there, but the other selfish part of him wanted Jeno to do otherwise. He knew it's bad, Jeno was bad for him. By the time Renjun reached the traffic light across the shop, someone pulled the raven away.

Jeno missed the sight.

"How are you, sweetie?" 

Renjun shivered at the question, both hands trapped between the other's arms. But the hatred gazes didn't leave his eyes. "Nice gaze you have there" He could feel every inch of his scalp sting as the other violently yanked his hair. "What do you want?"

The other laughed. "Don't play dumb, you know what I want, it feels good to abuse you and your pretty face"

Renjun didn't understand why he obeyed to hold his screams every time the punch and kick landed on his body. Seemed like it was true, that _old habits die hard_. Hyunjin was smarter, he left wounds on the part people wouldn't notice this time. He didn't scratch his face and hands this time, Renjun just kept silent as Hyunjin spat out his hatred and anger towards him. Asking about the guy helping him the last time they met. "I don't know him"

"Fucking liar" he kicked Renjun's abdomen harder. "You know you can't get away from me, right? lucky for you I have some time to spend with my girlfriend that I forget about you"

Hyunjin seemed satisfied as he landed one last punch on Renjun's side. He walked away, finally. Renjun didn't know which one was worse, the pain or the cold. Because as he pushed himself up to sit, the first snow was falling. Winter has come, and it's freezing cold.

~~~

"All right, five more minutes!" Jeno yelled at his teammates. He rummaged through the locker of the changing room, picking out his phone one last time.

**_From Renjun_ **

_Good luck, Don't get hurt_

It was not the right time to think about this shit, but Jeno was glad Renjun remembered at least, even though he still acted like an ass-hole and ignored the message, pretending it was never there. But then he gave up, reading the text over and over again. "Come on guys" The coach instructed them to go.

"Fuck, I'm nervous" Felix giggled. Jeno raised an eyebrow. "You do?"

"What? Why can't I feel nervous? It's a good nervous, you know. Making me fired up to score hundreds" Felix swung an arm around Jeno's shoulder. "Good, just remember not to make any stupid fault like last time" the other members laughed, Felix cursed under his breath. "You- shitty captain, rubbing on my shame"

"You are welcome" Jeno laughed along.

The stadium was huge, like ... huge. There're two main courts with high bleachers up to the third floor, all filled with spectators. Jeno could feel himself gulping down at the sight. Other teams from various schools were there too. Probably feeling the same nausea as him. Jeno led his team to line up for the opening ceremony. He could see few people from his school sitting in the first floor bleachers in front of him. He swore he saw Donghyuck dancing hula just now. _Sick_. Jeno chuckled.

Their first game was about to start, be it a luck or actually misfortune, playing in the first game was nerve wracking. But Jeno preferred it this way, he didn't have to hold this knot in his stomach any longer, play faster, finish faster. The game was going well, 76-53, even though the pace was slower than their usual play-mostly because his teammates made mistakes here and there, nervous for sure- but Jeno was satisfied with his teammates' play. They handled it well. His brother gave him a quick hug as they met on the bleachers to watch the next game. "Good job, Captain"

Jeno looked around. "Where's Rose?"

"Hey, I came all the way here for you and you ask about her instead" Jeno laughed at the now pouting Jaehyun. "Your office is only ten minutes from here, that's not all the way"

"Brat"

"When is the next game?" The second game has started but Jeno just couldn't focus. "Tomorrow at five, we're gonna spend tomorrow morning practising"

"Five? Fuck, I have meeting till six" His brother was good at cursing, Jeno thought. "It's okay, it's just our second game, we're gonna make it to the final anyway"

Jaehyun chuckled "Wow, confident huh?"

Jeno was definitely scared that it would be a horrible record as his last tournament in middle school, his legs were still shaking from the first game, but he's sure they're gonna make it. By the time he reached the hotel, he opened the phone again. Five messages, three from his mom, one from each Donghyuck and Jaehyun and no one from Renjun. He didn't know why he's hoping when he's the one giving the quiet. His beloved _Breaking the Habit_ rang from the phone, giving him a scare for a moment. _Ah, not Renjun.  
_

"Hey"

_"Hey, Jeno. How was the game?_ " Siyeon's cheerful voice chimed from the other line. "Of course we won"

She laughed _"As expected of our team, I wonder who's the captain"_

"You got lucky, Lady. You happen to be talking to him" This time Jeno laughed to himself, this sounds like something Donghyuck would say instead. " _I was hoping to come and see but my father will take me to the city on Saturday"_

 _"_ Don't worry, we'll head to the semifinal and then final, so you can watch us on Saturday _"_ the call lasted for thirty minutes before Felix called out for Jeno that the bath was free. By the time he finished showering, Felix was lying on the bed next to his, playing with his phone. "You're not doing something stupid like texting my mom an inappropriate text, right?"

"What do you take me for?" Felix made _the beggar face_ that he thought will make Jeno felt pity. But nope. Not even close. "Who knows? but I know you're an ass-hole for sure"

"And this ass-hole friend of yours just helped you to cheer up" Felix showed up the message.

**_From Renjun_ **

_I'm glad you're not hurt. Have fun in the next game,_

There's a picture of him, untying the shoelace after game- he assumed Felix took the picture without him knowing- on top of the message. Felix sent someone his picture. Jeno snatched the phone immediately. "I just help you since you look fired up when you read the message today before the game"

"Felix! what the fu-"

Jeno shrieked in horror. Holy Lord –

**_To Renjun_ **

_I did my best because of your encouraging text_

  
  


"Come here, you little shit!"

But Felix has fled to the room next door.


	5. Fools

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am tired of this place, I hope people change  
> I need time to replace what I gave away  
> And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small  
> Though I try to resist I still want it all
> 
> -Fools, Troye Sivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NCT's album is lit y'all. I'm stanning them harder.

"You want to come with me this Friday?" She looked up from the American breakfast Renjun made.

"I want to watch the game"

His sister came home early to prepare herself for a trip this weekend. Renjun decided to go watch the game, even though he probably wouldn't be able to meet Jeno but he wanted to see him. "But I won't be able to accompany you"

"I can manage my way"

So on Friday evening, he rode the train together with his sister sitting near the window. It's probably the first time he ever went to visit his sister's place in the city, and he's sure she's surprised at his sudden request but allowed him nonetheless. Jeno didn't reply or send him any picture from today and yesterday's game. But Renjun knew they made it to the semifinal.

They arrived at the city late that night, his sister didn't stay long before going again at 4 a.m. when her friends picked her up for the trip. She left some money and told Renjun to be careful. The game was at 2 in the afternoon. He still has six hours to walk around the city.

He wore a plain grey shirt under his navy jacket, a washout blue jeans and a pair of converse. He combed his hair down, letting it hide under the hood of his jacket. The city was much more different that he saw it up close, when he came here with Jeno he only saw a glance of it, but now that he's walking around the road, he could feel how the city was filled with crowds and noises. Different, very different with his usual days.

By the time he reached the stadium-with much difficulty-it was 1:35 p.m. twenty-five minutes before the game. The bleachers were full of spectators and Renjun was not sure where to sit. The only available seats he saw were on the third floor and Renjun had no other option. He sat beside a group of elementary kids and probably some college students. When the clock struck two, the two teams that would play on the left court finally came out.

And there was Jeno, with his black and red number four jersey, _Lee J,_ the name above written. His usual black hair was longer than the last time Renjun remembered, he knew Jeno was built but now that he saw him among his friends, Jeno was huge, both of his arms has gained more muscle than any other of his teammates, even compared to the tallest kid –that Renjun assumed as the centre- _Sanha,_ written on his back. Jeno has yet changed again.

The first two quarters, they struggled to lead, apparently their opponent was the strongest candidate for the champion and his team had to meet them in the semi-final. Jeno didn't want the game to stop in here, if they won this game, they could be the champion instead. With sweats and much struggle, his team currently leading with four points ahead. In the last four minutes before the third quarter, Jeno took the lead to charge, dribbling steadily towards the opponent's ring. He got surrounded, and so he passed the ball to Felix who easily slipped through the guard. But by the time Felix made a shoot, the ball slipped and bounced off the ring. Jeno jumped to do the rebound, but he didn't see the centre and the point guard of the opponent also jumped closely behind him, making his balance lost before landing.

The whistle blew as Jeno's body lied on the floor. "Jeno, are you okay? Man! look at me" Felix was frantically calling his name.

Jeno pushed his body up from the floor, holding his head that felt light. "Son, can you hear me?" he painfully nodded, "He slammed his head accidentally, we should take him to the hospital" Jeno gulped down. Trying to open his eyes only to find his visions were blurred out by the liquid running from the side of his head. _Shit, I'm bleeding_. "The cut is pretty deep"

"I'm okay, it's just a small cut" Jeno replied, there's no way he would leave the game. But the coach said otherwise, he replaced him. And so Jeno was sitting in the infirmary. After making sure that his wound was well stitched –three painful stitches-, the doctor left, reminding them to take Jeno for a scan in the hospital immediately. But Jeno luckily could convince that he's feeling all right, and the hospital could wait after the game. And so he's walking back to the court. It's the beginning of the fourth quarter already. The opponent caught up, they're six points behind now. Felix was panting like crazy, he couldn't focus on the offense and Sanha had to work twice hard since he had to defend the ring alone because of Jeno's absence.

"Please let me play again"

"No, you're injured. I couldn't take the risk"

"But they need me!"

The coach went silent. "I'm fine, really. Please, let me try to help" It was the last game their third year senior could watch before hitting the exam after spring. He didn't want to disappoint his previous captain who entrusted this place to him.

"The last three minutes, that's it" Jeno was about to argue, there're four more minutes before he was allowed to join the game back. The coach took the last time out and his members finally noticed his presence. "Are you okay? how are you feeling?" Felix should've look at himself, he's as white as paper and panting hard but he's worrying about Jeno instead. "It's okay, just got a few stitches" Felix was sceptical at the reply, remembering about the blood that was spilled from Jeno's head earlier.

"Really! see? they even gave me a mung bean juice" Jeno lifted up the bottle.

"Jeno will play in the last three minutes, I know you're all exhausted, and I couldn't risk your body, no, not after what happened to Jeno, so, just play low, focus on the defense and make scores with the shooting guard instead"

"But we're six points behind now" Sanha stated, his face was filled with guilt. Probably blaming himself for not being able to block the shots and took the rebounds. "It's okay, coach is right. They're gonna exhaust themselves from the offense soon. We can focus on the defense instead and trust Shotaro and Felix with the points if it's possible"

It was decided.

"Hey, I have something for you" Felix whispered, picking up his towel. Jeno leaned forward.

"Look at the third floor of the west bleacher, search for a navy jacket" Jeno whipped his head around as Felix made a jog back into the court, grinning to himself. _Third floor, navy jacket_.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._

That bastard Felix must have texted Renjun behind his back. So that's why Felix was looking around the bleachers when they entered the court. That explained how Felix knew where Renjun was sitting. That explained why he's now looking at the pale boy in a navy jacket who was also looking back at him among the crowds. It's been four weeks, no, twenty-seven days since the last time he saw Renjun, since the day he felt his soft lips on his own, and Renjun was here to watch his game.

Renjun was here, watching him play. He saw everything, he saw how pathetic he got injured in this important game. How he let his teammates struggled alone when Jeno once bluffed to Renjun about him being a cool basketball captain.

He would win this, he has to.

Because Renjun was here.

~~~

78 – 76.

The buzzer echoed in the air. They won. There're no hugging or shouting in joy for their win. Their feet planted stiffly on the ground, catching their breath as if they couldn't believe that they just won this game and head to the final. Jeno was catching his dream slowly, he told Renjun that if he played well, he might get a chance to get a scholarship. And he played amazing, not only Renjun, everyone in the stadium could tell. When they finally realised that they won, Jeno gathered his teammates to line up and bowed to the spectators. Donghyuck was ugly crying, Jeno would make sure to tease him about it later. Among the noise of hand clapping, Jeno met those eyes, staring back at him yet again. And Jeno couldn't help to smile, he missed Renjun. He missed him and he's here.

After the game, the first thing he did was to take out his phone.

Felix nudged him playfully, the stupid grin still decorating his cocky expression. "What?" Jeno snapped.

"You're dumb"

"What do you mean?"

Felix laughed "See that? Look, Capt. That's really clear that you have a thing for that pretty kid, and maybe it will be less painful if both of you speak it up" Jeno's eyes widen. How did Felix know? Was it obvious?

"In case you're wondering, yes, it's very obvious. But don't worry, it's just because I happened to know it" Felix said and then continued "I thought it was Siyeon, but when I saw the message, I knew it's someone else."

"That doesn't justify the fact that you opened my inbox and texted Renjun behind my back," Jeno snapped again

"Hey! I don't know he's a dude!" Jeno put his hand on Felix's mouth almost at the same time the others wiped their heads at the noisy point guard.

Jeno's face softened. "Yeah, it must be surprising for you _too_ , right?"

"You know, Jeno, I won't judge. I go to church, I believe in God, but I think love is gender-less, we just can't control who our hearts want to love, what we can control is our decision about what we're feeling. Falling in love is a part of the process of growing up too, embrace it, Man. Don't run away" It was ridiculous to even imagine that Felix would ever say something that made Jeno felt this way.

Jaehyun was waiting in front of the changing room, talking to their manager. "Hey, you okay?"

Jeno laughed "Never been better"

"You scared the hell out of me when I came and you just running on the court with the bandage" he rolled his eyes at his older brother "Tch, I know you will ditch my game."

"Don't say that, there's an important meeting. I came here as soon as I can"

"I know; I'm just kidding" Jeno laughed again. "Then let's take you to the hospital, I've promised mom and your coach" Jeno looked at his phone. _Did Renjun come to actually see him for the last time? Could it be that Renjun doesn't want to see him again?_

"Can you wait on the car first? I need to find someone," Jaehyun raised his eyebrow but he didn't say anything. "Okay, give me a call once you're finished"

Jeno dialled Renjun's number this time, _The number you are calling is out of reach_. He jogged along the hallway, among the spectators who were going out of the stadium. Renjun still didn't pick his calls. Jeno's eyes wandered desperately because it's getting empty, only staff and a few people walking around the building.

  
  


"Jeno"

  
  
  


His heart stopped.

~~~

"Congratulations, Sweetheart! you really made it!" his mom was kissing his cheeks over and over again. He's supposed to be happy, yes, he should be. The letter he had been expecting to come just arrived this afternoon. His brother informed him that he got a recommendation letter from SM academy to attend an exchange program for the sport program and even a chance to continue studying in SM for high school. His dream of being a professional basketball athlete was one step closer.

"You had been trying hard in the championship" but he's not even playing on the final, well, from the examination result, the doctor suggested for a full week of recovery so the coach made the decision not to make Jeno play in the final. They still won though. And even the team made him receive the trophy, saying that he deserved it. He couldn't be any happier, yeah.

Just one small thing. Renjun was not there, he didn't come to the final, his number was not even active. Even when he asked for Felix's help to call Renjun, it's the same. For another whole week after he could go out, he went to his apartment, but it was always empty.

"Honey, could you tell your brother that dinner is almost ready?"

Jeno obeyed, dragging himself to his brother's room.

"Come in"

Jaehyun was unpacking his luggage, putting his belongings on the bed meticulously. "Dinner's ready?" Jeno nodded. His brother insisted on coming home for Christmas eve dinner this year. 

"You still have that dinosaur t-shirt?"

Jaehyun chuckled, looking at the folded grey dinosaur t-shirt on the bed. Their mother bought them the same t-shirt last Christmas – beside a new phone for Jeno and a pair of suits for Jaehyun of course- "I like the shirt, somehow remind me of home and you since you have the identical one"

"Jeno? Are you okay?" Jaehyun pulled his younger brother closer.

"Hey, what happened?"

_What the fuck is this water?_

Jeno cursed himself, roughly wiping the tears away. "Hey, stop it. You're gonna hurt yourself" Jaehyun put down Jeno's hand on the side. His shoulders were shaking violently to hold the tears. It's the first time he ever saw Jeno broke down. Jeno was a strong and stubborn kid, he would say he's fine even if he's wounded. But he's crying, his baby brother was crying. Jaehyun locked the door behind and pulled Jeno into his arms. "I'm here"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry" Jaehyun pulled Jeno deeper as he kept apologising to him. "I want to tell you, but I can't. I'm sorry"

"It's okay, you can tell me anytime you're ready, Jeno"

"You're right, I have problems, but I just couldn't tell you, or mom, or dad. I just can't, I'm afraid you'll be disappointed in me, I'm sorry, I'm wrong"

He patted Jeno's back lightly to tell him that it's okay if he didn't want to tell them now, that they trust him.

Jeno didn't know how to feel about him loving Renjun. It's wrong, but it felt right. It's a new feeling he didn't know how to handle. He missed Renjun, he wanted him. But he's afraid that the whole world would go against them. Jeno might be different from any other boys, he's just scared Renjun would hate him for loving him and running away at the same time.

"Uhh, I must look terrible now" Jeno freed himself from Jaehyun after a few minutes crying on his arms

"You look disgusting" Jeno laughed at His brother's reply. "Yeah"

"Listen, I don't know what you're going through, but if you believe you can solve it yourself, then I trust you-"

"-we make mistakes, Jeno, humans do, but it doesn't mean we have to avoid making choices. It could be wrong at one time, but we could always learn. And whatever choices you made in your life, don't regret it, because at one point, it's something your heart desires to do the most" _something my heart desires to do most?_

_"_ Boys? what are you doing? dinner's ready! _"_ their mother yelled outside the door.

They both laughed. "Come on, we don't want to make her wait any longer"

~~~

The house was empty and quiet; it was 7.30 in the evening when he reached his sister's house. He was wandering in the city after the game. His battery was out and he just got caught in his own world, not knowing that it's already late. After rummaging inside his bag to search for the charger, he stepped into the bath. The cold waters hit his head directly, his hairs were sticking to his face, but he didn't bother to brush them away.

When Jeno fell, his own world stopped. The blood clearly seeped from the straight cut zoomed on the big screen. His breakfast almost found its way back to his throat.

But when he came back in the fourth quarter with a bandage on his head, Renjun couldn't help to snicker. S _tubborn Jeno._ And _those_ eyes miraculously found a way to meet his. Jeno knew he's here for him.

.

Even when he clearly held the pain in, he didn't slow down _._ Charging towards the opponent at full speed. Among the cheers and shouts, again, Jeno found a way to smile this time. A smile that he didn't know he's been missing this whole time.

After the game, he tried to look for Jeno. But by the time he found him, he was there, in the middle of the corridor;

_kissing a girl_.

Somehow, his mind suddenly recalled the scene he accidentally witnessed later today. Jeno was there, kissing a girl. A very beautiful girl he could tell. Renjun smiled bitterly, it wasn't supposed to bother him either, right? Jeno never told anything about his girlfriend, but then again, why would he tell him? And why wouldn't he have one? Jeno was handsome, he's cool, he could play basketball, he's nice, he's silly, and... he's Jeno.

Renjun cried, he didn't want to, but the salty warm tears kept streaming down his eyes, mixed with the cold water from the shower. It's terrifying. He fell in love with a boy. He was crying over a kiss. And the guilt immediately took over himself. For not trying hard enough to keep himself away from Jeno and for falling deeper and deeper.

The sniffles turned louder, he's crying his heart out because Jeno kissed him, because his heart ached so bad, because he's pathetic, because simply he wanted Jeno to be here. But it's just impossible. Renjun knew, that's why he is crying.

~~~

.

.

.

.

Winter flew by, spring ended fast, even summer and fall followed behind, and suddenly another year passed in a blink. It's almost spring again, and when this summer came, he has to make a decision on where he would continue. A year ago, when his sister came back from the trip, he met her friend who seemed to be interested in Renjun. He asked him if he had any interest in modelling, but his sister replied for him instead, that Renjun was too young for this. It was when Renjun finally knew that his sister was working her way to be a professional model.

And it was fall when he turned fifteen and said to his sister that he wanted to work after he graduated. He might not be that close to her, but Renjun knew she cared for him a lot. She insisted on making Renjun continue his education until college. She knew he was worried about the fee. So she allowed him to work as a freelance in her modelling agency. Her boss was happy, since he – Renjun recalled his name was Johnny- always asked if Renjun wanted to be a model. It was just a small work, posing for various clothing brands and some teenage fashion websites, he has to spend his weekends and holiday in the city. He liked the payment, not much, but it's a lot for him, moreover, he got free branded clothes. But now that final exam and high school entrance test was around the corner, he has stopped working.

He almost never went around the town, it's only school, home, subway, and the city. He's glad, things always kept him busy that he barely had time to think about Jeno – maybe except at night, when he lied down on the bed, looking to his side, imagining that Jeno was there, sleeping beside him- but other than that, he always managed to suppress his feelings.

"Johnny was asking if you still want to continue working for him in high school" Seungwan said in between their breakfast. "He is nice, I like working with him"

Seungwan laughed "Yeah, I was going to kick his ass if he looks at you the same as he looks at the other boys"

Renjun was not sure what does that mean until his sister continued "I'm glad he treats you like his own brother, and I'm glad his boyfriend doesn't cut you in half"

"Boyfriend?"

"You've met him, right? Ten?" Renjun dropped his peanut butter toast. "The blonde model you worked with last week?" Seungwan nodded. "It's normal in this industry"

No it's not. It's not normal, at least it's what he always believed. Having something for the same gender was not normal, that's why Renjun did this, avoiding Jeno and he expected Jeno was feeling the same, because he didn't come looking for him this whole year.

"Renjun, I was thinking of selling the old house and the apartment back in town, I mean, you will stay here with me and we . . don't really have anyone there" It was hard for Seungwan and him to even mention the house but they have to move on. "You will sell the house?"

"I got a call from someone who wants to buy the land, it seems like they want to build a school around there. Things have changed huh? Back then it's just a quiet neighbourhood."

"It's okay if you want to sell the house"

"Really?"

Renjun nodded "Just as you said, we don't really have anyone in the town, it's just an abandoned house anyway"

Seungwan went to work later that afternoon, Renjun was alone in his sister's apartment. His phone rang and Renjun left a sticky note on the fridge just in case his sister came home early

_'I'm going out to meet Yangyang'_

Yangyang was Renjun's definition of a gentleman. Yangyang came from a distinguished family, raised as one of the young masters of his house, but he never acted as if all those things mattered in their friendship. It's kind of funny because Yangyang was his date – fake date- just over a year ago, but they got along really well. After knowing that Renjun often went to the city now, Yangyang frequently hung out with him since he also lived in the city with his mother now.

"A penny for your thought?"

Renjun smiled, one of the favourite smiles Yangyang had ever seen. "Nah, it's nothing. How's study?"

"Hard, but I can manage. Father expects me to go abroad, what about you, Renjun? Did you decide where to go after this?"

The raven head boy was thinking of working instead, but he knew his sister wouldn't allow it. "I don't know, somewhere cheap I guess"

Yangyang wasn't amused with the joke "Or maybe I can go for a scholarship in some rich school like SM"

Renjun looked up to see how Yangyang reacted to his statement. There's a glint of pride and amazement on his face, but Renjun was not sure if that's a good thing "That's great, I'm sure you can make it. You're always at the top of your class, right?" Yes, he was. But how could Yangyang expected Renjun to be someone who could pass the standards when all his classmates were just bunch of unfriendly neighbourhood kids who barely pass the exam?

"Shuhua told me you're a top student too"

His school was not the fanciest school only rich kids and smart-ass could enroll- apparently Jeno's school was. And Yangyang was homeschooling, so he probably didn't know how it's like to compete with other smart kids. "I don't know, I'm still not sure"

"It's good, Renjun. It's definitely a better choice than North high, right?"

Renjun was thinking of going to West High, close to his sister's apartment and away from North high, but after the conversation about selling the house and apartment in the town, he was sure his sister wanted him to enroll here in the city instead.

"Yeah, you're right, Yangyang. Maybe I should try"


	6. The Good Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sure we'll meet in the spring  
> And catch up on everything  
> I'll say I'm proud of all that you've done  
> You taught me the ropes, and you taught me to love
> 
> -The Good Side, Troye Sivan

"Shut up, jerk" Jeno laughed as Donghyuck showed up with his ridiculously short bangs. "I'm gonna use snap-back for a whole month until it grows" he insisted, putting on the black snap-back on his head. "It wasn't that bad, come on take it off"

Jeno reached for the hat. "Hands off, you dick"

"Lee J!" Jeno turned his head around to meet the tan boy walking towards his direction. "Hello, senior Jongin, long time no see"

"What's with the sudden formality?" Jongin, the senior laughed. "Make sure to come to the club later, yeah?"

"I will" Donghyuck nudged Jeno as the senior made his way to the building. "You know Kim Jongin , the captain of SM high basketball team?"

"Yeah, I joined their monthly training after the championship, so I've met him"

"Holy shit, why didn't you tell me? I thought you went to some absurd training camp in the city. I'm his fan, Jeno, you should've told me! I'm gonna ask for his signature later!"

"And that's why I don't want to tell you, you're gonna embarrass me in front of him" Jeno rolled his eyes.

"Hey, I'm your best friend! How could you say that! I even follow you here to SM" Donghyuck sulked.

"No, you're not. You enroll here because of the girls" Jeno complained and now Donghyuck was back on his hunter mode, scanning the hallway that's full of other new students. "See?"

"Ssshh! You're ruining my concentration!" and in a second, Donghyuck was on his new target, flirting with some girls. Jeno gave up and headed to the announcement board himself. It's still early, so not that many students have arrived. He scanned the list of the sport program students.  _ Class 1-A Sport Program .  _ He read some other students name just in case he knew someone, well, he recognised some names from the list, they joined the training as well. His high school life wouldn't be awkward at least.

Donghyuck was still busy showing off his Casanova persona to the girls, so he went to the class first. By the time the ceremony almost started, he headed to the main hall with his new classmates.

**_From Donghyuck_ **

_ You left me! You asshole! _

**_From Donghyuck_ **

_ You're gonna regret it, young man! I'm ditching you for a new best friend! _

Jeno laughed.  _ What a dickhead.  _ The hall was filled with the students, left lane for regular program and right for sports program. Jeno tried to search for Donghyuck among the crowds of regular kids but couldn't find any sign of his best friend. Jaemin, his new seat mate, blurted out a joke about their headmaster's wig which successfully made some of the kids around them laugh. But then they turned quiet again as the president of the student council, a beautiful lady from regular class, Jung Soojung, opened the ceremony and delivered a speech.

"And for the representation of the new students, Class 1-A, regular program- 

_ -Renjun Huang" _

  
  


Jeno couldn't breathe, his lungs suddenly gasped for more oxygen. His raven hair has turned into dark auburn, styled into a side part. He gained some weight, but Jeno knew it's the same skinny boy he kissed half a year ago. "Damn. He's pretty" Jaemin cursed. Probably most of the students in the room did the same.

Renjun was here, standing less than twenty meters away from him, he was breathing the same air as Renjun again. After this painful time of struggling to erase the feeling, he finally met him.

Renjun's shady gazes scanned the crowds as he delivered his acceptance speech, for a second Jeno wished for him to catch his stares. But Renjun just kept talking without sparing any unnecessary glances. He followed Renjun back to his seat, and there he saw Donghyuck, giving Renjun a pat on his back.

**_To Donghyuck_ **

_ Hey, meet me after this outside, urgent _

Jeno walked around looking for a certain foolish short bang to appear, his new friends has left for the class first and so Jeno waited in front of the building alone. He has to get a confirmation from Donghyuck.

"Jeno!"

"Donghyuck-" Jeno froze. Again. Renjun was walking beside Donghyuck.  _ Shit. Why does he have to appear with Renjun?  _

Donghyuck grinned, linking his arms with Renjun playfully. "Yo! Meet my new best friend, Renjun Huang"

Jeno somehow expected Renjun to say something about this, but his calm composure didn't waver, he played along with Donghyuck's game.

"Just Renjun, please. Jeno, right?" Jeno stared at the extended slender fingers in front of him, the same hand that once circled around his waist.

"Nice to meet you" Jeno looked up to meet that smile, the bunny smile he almost forgot.

"Yeah, nice to meet you too" Jeno replied softly.

Fate was just damn cruel.

_ ~~~ _

For the whole day, Renjun struggled not to ask anything about Jeno to Donghyuck – which was really hard because Donghyuck was literally story-telling him about their middle school's day- . "He's one tough shell, but once you know him, he's as soft as a foam"

Renjun smiled, he knew. He knew this side of Jeno. How he actually was a softhearted baby despite how stubborn he was. "It's weird to think about it again, that we actually get along. Now, enough with me and Jeno, what about you, Renjun?"

_ Me? Not much, just a pathetic bullied poor kid who has no friends. _

"I'm not good at making friends" Renjun could feel Donghyuck's eyes soften at his reply. "I have a close one actually, his name is Yangyang. But he's in England now"

_ And there's a special one too. _

Renjun shook the thought off. "What about girlfriend? you have one don't you?" Donghyuck pouted. Now Renjun understood why Jeno once told him that Donghyuck looked a lot like a puppy, yes he did, especially when he's pouting like that. Renjun laughed. "No, I don't"

"No way! you're cool!" Renjun chuckled. "Girls love pretty boys, and I can tell they're looking at you with lust in their eyes. Then what about someone you like?"

Renjun thought for a moment, did he have someone he likes? Wasn't it always Jeno all this time?

"I don't have one either".

Donghyuck sighed "Liar. That was what Jeno always told me all this time, then all of a sudden he got himself a girlfriend"

"Oh. Really?"

"Yeah, Siyeon, they have been dating for over a year now, was it after the championship?"

So the girl Jeno kissed was his girlfriend.  _ What a coincidence.  _ Jeno has a girlfriend, a pretty girlfriend that he's been dating for a year. It shouldn't be hard for Renjun to ignore his feelings now, because he knew Jeno was in love with someone else.  _ A girl _ . 

He could finally give up on Jeno. "How far have they gone?"

Donghyuck looked pretty much surprised at the question "I don't know. It's Jeno's first relationship, I guess it's just kissing. He respects Siyeon a lot, so I bet he won't do something more than a kiss"

Part of Renjun wanted to laugh.  _ It's just kissing.  _ Another part of him wanted to scream. _ Jeno kissed him too. _

Renjun decided to just laugh. "Yeah, Jeno seems to be a good guy"

~~~

"I will pick you up at 9, okay?" Jeno smiled as he heard a  _ 'don't be late again' _ warning from the other line. "Your girlfriend?" Jaemin asked. Jeno just nodded.

"How great, you're popular and have a pretty girlfriend"

Jeno wasn't sure when he finally fell for Siyeon. At first it's just a simple yes to her joke about them dating, and then Siyeon came and confessed. And they kissed. It wasn't love at first, Jeno went along with it because Siyeon might be the right person, that she could prove that Jeno was like any other boy. That he liked girls. He started to accept it, Siyeon was his support system and now he knew he loved her.

"I'm not popular"

Jaemin clicked his tongue at Jeno. "Right, you're not. Just a little famous"

"I bet that girl has a thing for you" Jaemin pointed at the table behind Jeno which he followed. They're sitting at the cafeteria, and it might be a little odd for himself not having Donghyuck around, but it couldn't be helped, Donghyuck has decided to take a regular program, they have more classes than sport program. "Once you make yourself the official member of the team, you'll be having your own fan club" Jeno just laughed again, Jaemin was not less sarcastic than Donghyuck.

"Ah, do you have time after school?"

"Why?" Jaemin twirled the fried fries between his fingers. "I want to buy a new-"

He munched the potato fast "I'm in"

"I haven't said anything"

"Any kind of shopping, I'm in"  _ Gosh _ , He was not less a diva than Donghyuck either.

Right after the last bell, Jeno and Jaemin walked to Donghyuck class. Apparently Donghyuck wanted to go shopping and so they decided to go together. 

_ They,  _ shouldn't include Renjun. It should be him, Donghyuck, and Jaemin. That's ' _ they' _ .

"Renjun said he needs a shirt, so I ask him to come along, it's great right?" Donghyuck chimed. "The more the merrier they said" Jaemin responded.  _ No,no,no.  _ "It's okay, guys. I can go by myself"

Their eyes met. Renjun seemed to read his mind. "What? No way, come with us, Renjun, it's our first outing as friends" Donghyuck pleaded, clinging on Renjun's arm. His eyes met his again, and Jeno looked away this time.

They took the subway; it was a rush hour where all the high school kids went home. For the entire way, Renjun only talked along when he's asked, it's mainly Jaemin and Donghyuck chatting. Jeno on the other hand was quiet. Renjun noticed that Jeno had become a very attractive boy, he could always find the girl's eyes on Jeno, eyeing from head to toe, stripping him with their gazes. Renjun looked down to himself. He was still nothing compared to Jeno, maybe the girls didn't even consider him worth looking at. "We're here!" Donghyuck literally dragged three of them from one shop to another. Renjun enjoyed shopping, his sister liked to bring him along for shopping . Jaemin enjoyed it too, he's occupied by the new arrival of the watch section now.

"Isn't that you, Renjun?"

Jeno turned towards the direction Donghyuck was pointing at. It was Renjun, posing in a banner of the  _ 'chic n sleek' _ section. Simple white sweater with black pants and a maroon wide hat which covered half of his face.

_Beautiful._ _Beautiful Renjun._

"It's just a part job" Renjun looked away, making himself busy with choosing himself a shirt. "Is it the reason you won't come with us?"

"Wow, you look good, Renjun" Jaemin complimented. Jeno didn't know that Renjun worked as a model or that Renjun was interested in modelling. But Renjun surely killed it, he looked good. No, he looked perfect.

"Then, you must have a model discount, right?" Renjun nodded "Only for the same brand though" Donghyuck didn't need any more explanation as he dragged Jaemin along to the  _ 'chic n sleek' _ section. And now it was both of them alone, Jeno's eyes were still on the red head who's suddenly busy picking out two shirts with similar plaid patterns, one in maroon and one in mauve green. He thought hard to decide. His eyes wandered back again at the shelf, probably hoping to find another choice that wasn't so hard to pick.

"Maroon" 

It was a slip of word Jeno himself didn't even realise he had said out loud. And Renjun was equally surprised. "Maroon looks better on you"

Jeno walked away.

~~~

Donghyuck was still talking about his new shirt, continuously thanking Renjun for giving him his model discount. Of course Renjun wouldn't mind, first of all because he wouldn't have that much money to afford the clothes even after a discount. He only bought an on sale shirt because his sister asked him to accompany her to one of the photo shoots this weekend, and there's no way he would show up wearing some baggy shirts and worn out jacket.

"Isn't that Siyeon?"

They looked around at the group of girls walking to their direction. Siyeon smiled upon finding that Jeno was there. "What is this? you didn't tell me you want to go shopping. We can go together" she laughed.

"You didn't forget me, right?" Donghyuck asked the now even more beautiful girl from what Renjun remembered her. Brunette curls beautifully framed her small face. With curious cat eyes and a charming smile like that, anyone would easily fall in love.  _ What a lovely girl. _

"No, of course. Please take care of this stubborn boyfriend of mine again, Donghyuck" Jeno laughed this time, ruffling the top of the girl's head softly. Donghyuck introduced them to the girl and her friends. They sure were pretty and nice, Renjun wondered if he could fall in love with them if he tried hard enough like Jeno did.

Renjun hated this situation, he didn't like crowds and this sudden outing suddenly doubled in scale with the girls joining. He sat at the furthest seat from the window, hoping to give him easier access to run away if he could find the timing.

They liked Renjun, Jeno could tell- not to be a self-centred, maybe because they know he's taken so they targeted Renjun instead. Jeno could understand it if they fell for Renjun and wanted to know him more, because that mysterious aura was still around him just as he remembered it. Making people wondered about what's behind that beauty. Renjun squirmed on his seat a few times, feeling more uncomfortable as the conversation still lingered around him.

"We should do it more often, it's fun" Donghyuck suggested, and dear Lord, Renjun wished he wouldn't be a part of Donghyuck's  _ 'we' _ . Even when people looked at him with pity for his loneliness, Renjun could defend himself, he liked being alone, and scarily he even preferred to be alone. "Renjun is a top student, we can do a group study too sometimes"

"Really? that's amazing, we really should do that sometimes. I'm not good at science, so you can teach me ,Renjun" It was uncomfortable, both for Jeno and Renjun. They exchanged a short glance before Renjun smiled at Siyeon "Donghyuck told me Jeno is good at science too" Jeno hasn't used to hear his name from Renjun's lips, but strangely it sounded more familiar than any other people calling his name.

"He doesn't want to teach me, he wouldn't allow me to study in his place"

"That's suspicious, Jeno" Jaemin broke the atmosphere with his joke and the rest laughed. "I just don't like the feeling of someone else's in my room" he defended, his eyes met Renjun's again for God knew how many times it's been already. Siyeon's face fell for a second but Jeno failed to see.

"So you never been to Jeno's house either?" Siyeon smiled weakly, softly shook her head. "I guess we haven't got the right timing" Renjun suppressed the urge to laugh at the poor girl's face. It's wrong, but Renjun really wanted to mock her. For a short moment he felt like a victor, satisfied and proud. Even when reality hit him that whatever things he and Jeno have done together in the past wouldn't change anything.

"This talk is making me hungry. Oh, you don't eat anything else, Renjun?" Donghyuck showed his concern as Renjun only ordered himself a lemon tea and a teriyaki burger. "I'm good"

"Extra spicy?" Jeno squinted his eyes at his newly arrived teriyaki burger in front of him. "Oh, I will have his instead" Renjun said to the waiter who immediately switched their food. "Sorry Jeno, I forgot to ask them to separate the sauce" The girl apologised. "No, it's okay" he shifted his gaze to Renjun.

"Thank you" not sure for what, maybe for the food, maybe for remembering the fact that he couldn't handle spicy foods. Maybe for simply being there.

~~~

Just as Renjun had predicted, Jeno became the eyes of the attention, especially when he started officially joining the basketball team. Almost every girl talked about him, even the girls in his class. Renjun didn't really care, because in the end, their conversation would end at him being taken by a pretty girl from the all-girl school five blocks away. Besides Donghyuck, Renjun could count other students he got along with. Probably only Seungmin, the class leader and Shotaro the awkward half-Japanese student. The rest of the kids didn't really bother with his existence except for the title  _ 'Pretty Nerd' _ he heard somewhere behind his back. Either way, he didn't mind. Maybe sometimes after the club – science club – he joined, he would see Jeno rushing to the front gate, picking up his pretty girlfriend who wanted to watch him practice after school. He didn't talk or meet Jeno again after that day, mostly because he always declined Donghyuck's kind offer to hang out again together.

Renjun knew Jeno would take a glance when they crossed paths in the hallway or simply smiled when he bought his lunch and happened to walk past Jeno's table in the cafeteria, but again, Renjun was self-conscious, he's nowhere between Jeno's line of friends. Later that weekend, after coming along with his sister's photo shoot in one of Johnny's new studio, Renjun excused himself to go to the bookstore –which was total bullshit – Seungwan only nodded and reminded him that she would be late. He dragged his feet further to the nearest bus stop and got on whatever bus arrived, didn't really know where it was headed, but he could always find a way home, right?

He got down at the last bus stop of the route and walked around the unfamiliar neighbourhood, took another bus and did the same thing.

The goddess of fortune seemed to be playing on him, because in this early fall, it suddenly rained. People would blame global warming for this, but Renjun cursed his own bad luck instead. His newly bought plaid shirt was soaked wet, at least he could save his dead phone by shoving it further on his jeans pocket.

The rain didn't seem to be going down soon so Renjun suited himself on the empty bus shelter, curling himself on the bench waiting for bus 62 – according to the board – to give him a ride home. The sun went down and it's suddenly 6 pm.

Renjun shivered, the cold has reached his bones through the damp clothes. The sight of a bus was approaching, Renjun squinted his eyes, it's not his bus.

Just like  _ de javu _ , it was suddenly Jeno, standing in front of him, holding an umbrella and a plastic bag in the other hand.  _ Fuck.  _ Renjun hated the goddess now.

_ " _ Um.. Why are you here? _ "  _ Jeno's round eyes stared down at his dripping attire.

"I'm waiting for the bus"

Jeno fidgeted, observing the auburn head again in his quiet before spoke up "If you're waiting for bus 62, it didn't operate more than 5 pm" Renjun sighed,  _ fuck. Just fuck. _

"Is there any other bus I can take back to the east?"

Jeno thought hard "There's one, bus 74, but it will come later at 9" Renjun pulled his knees closer to his chest, hoping it would make the cold leave his body. Renjun wished Jeno would just leave, but no, he stood there, still holding the umbrella and a plastic bag. "I can take you home"

Again, like a  _ de javu _ . Just like back then when Jeno offered to take Renjun home, this time Renjun was also supposed to reject but no, he didn't do that.

"How?"

Jeno led the way, taking a distance from Renjun, not too close but not that distant either, enough for both of them to stand under Jeno's yellow umbrella without getting wet – well, anymore wetter in Renjun's case- . The apartment was fancy, Renjun felt bad to make a wet trail on the floor. Jeno rummaged to find the key. And he entered after the  _ beep _ . "It's okay, come on in"

Jeno seemed to read Renjun's fear of soiling the apartment. The other boy disappeared inside and Renjun just stood there on the doorway.

"Renjun?" He's not really sure, but still followed the voice to one of the rooms.

Strangely, the room felt the same. There's a single bed in the middle of the room, a desk and bookshelf near the window and a big cupboard across the bathroom. Renjun wondered how he could remember it clearly. "You can wear this, I will put your clothes in the dryer" Jeno shoved a fluffy towel, a pair of jogger pants and a light grey sweater. With an awkward gesture, Jeno disappeared again, probably in the living room, since Renjun could hear TV sounds. He looked around,  _ why does it feel like time travel?  _ Jeno didn't even change the arrangement of his new room. This bed room felt like Jeno, smelt like Jeno, and there's Jeno everywhere – at the Band CD on the shelf, at the big basketball couch near the window, at the black and red  _ number four  _ jersey nailed on the wall-.

Jeno immediately took the wet clothes and put them in the dryer as soon as Renjun came out of the bedroom. Renjun was now sitting on the couch, a cup of warm milk in front of him. Jeno was pretty much trying to spend his time by putting the groceries in the fridge longer than intended. Only the sound of an evening drama filled the deafening silence of the apartment. It's too much of a time travel for him, back to the past when everything was still new.

"I will take you home by motorcycle after the rain stops," Jeno appeared back to the living room.

Renjun turned around, smiling softly "It's okay, I will take the bus" it's because Renjun had a feeling the rain won't stop any time sooner. Jeno stood still, a few meters behind the couch as Renjun took his attention back to the smiling banana cup..

"Do you hate me, Renjun?"

The question caught him off guard, because Renjun didn't prepare himself for this. Jeno's jaw clenched and he's wearing an inexplicable expression which of course Renjun couldn't see. "Why do you ask?" Renjun thought it would be safe to answer with a question instead.

"Because you act like we never exist" Renjun laughed bitterly to himself.  _ Is there even 'we' in the first place?  _ Renjun wanted to say that, but he bit his tongue hard so it didn't slip out.

"No, I don't hate you"

"Then why are you giving me a cold shoulder and pretend we don't know each other?" Renjun wanted to laugh, really, because it's just so funny. "Isn't that what you want it to be?" Jeno's shoulders tensed at the response. Renjun was amused at his own bravery, for speaking it out loud. But then those broad shoulders dropped again.

"I hate to run away, but I know I am a coward and run away from you"

"I decided to run away too, so it's on both of us-"

Jeno stepped closer right behind the couch, arms still dropping on his sides. "-we were too young and scared, that's all" Renjun continued.

"And now . . . you're not scared?"

Renjun fell in silence. He was scared, hell, he still was. But now that he knew things have changed between them, he could say he's not.

"No"

"I do, though" Jeno smiled weakly. Renjun hated this situation, he hated Jeno's answer. "It should be easy for you because you get yourself a girlfriend" he hated it too because he couldn't control himself and spitted out his spite on Jeno instead.

"Renjun, It's not easy for m-"

"Then how do you expect me to face all of this alone?!" he finally snapped.

Jeno could see Renjun's fists on his lap tighten. Shoulder shaking from probably holding anger. It was hard for Jeno, but he has his brother, he has his friends, he has Siyeon being there. On the other hand Renjun was alone, trying to handle a problem a mere teenager should face alone. Jeno was an ass-hole, yeah, he knew he was.

He took one last step closer to Renjun who was still facing him away. The TV sound suddenly felt quiet and the universe turned mute in Jeno's ears, it was only Renjun and his low breathing. He reached out, his hands were just an inch away from Renjun.

The couch between them suddenly disappeared as Jeno put his arms around the auburn's neck, pulling him backwards to meet his chest from behind. It was uncomfortable, his upper body had to lean forward to avoid the couch, but Jeno didn't mind. Renjun's slightly wet hair smelt like mint, and his sweater smelt like himself.

Renjun didn't move, he stayed still, letting Jeno did whatever he was doing right now. He just wanted to cry. He wanted to turn around and pulled Jeno into his embrace, but no, he couldn't do that.

"We barely know each other, we just happen to know each other for a short moment, you shouldn't push yourself to pity me" Renjun soft voice spoke again.

It wasn't a pity. Whatever he's feeling right now was not a pity, it's the same feeling he felt towards the raven hair boy he met half a year ago. The pale boy he kissed. "You have made your choice, Jeno. Leave it that way" Renjun felt like talking to himself. His heart was still aching, but it's better this way.

"No-"

"-please let me make it up" it's not a beg not even sounded like a request, more like an order because Renjun felt Jeno's wrap on his neck was getting tighter as he nuzzled further to the back of his nape.

Renjun stayed in silence until Jeno freed himself from the back hug and Renjun turned around to face him. Jeno smiled, and Renjun just had the urge to land a punch on his handsome face. It's not a smile Renjun wanted Jeno to have on his face, no, not that kind of pained smile.

"The rain stopped"

Renjun broke away and Jeno looked down. "I'll check your clothes"

~~~

It was almost 9 when he reached back to his brother's apartment. He took off his jacket and threw the key somewhere on the table near the untouched cup of milk that turned cold. He took the same spot on the couch a certain boy sat a while ago. The smiling banana print on the cup was staring back at him, mocking him in a way Jeno wanted to smash it in pieces. He was a selfish bastard, he pushed himself on Renjun when he already aware that Renjun wanted to avoid him. All this time he spent trying to forget his feelings for Renjun, never ever once he forgot the taste of Renjun's lips, how his shocked eyes were wide open as he put his lips on his. It just lasted for three seconds, but Jeno remembered the feeling, how his stomach turned in a knot, caging the butterflies inside. Or how his heart felt like it was thumping harder against his breathless lungs.

When he made the decision to love Siyeon, even when they kissed, the feeling wasn't exactly the same. Siyeon's lips felt soft and tender against his, she tasted like strawberry and some short of other berries, but it just didn't feel the same. He could imagine things to do with Siyeon, like how he naturally put his hand around her shoulder as they walk, to hold her hands when they were in the crowds, to simply wiped the corner of her lips, or how natural it was to say  _ 'I love you' _ among their conversation, it was easy to think about what he should do when he's with her. He would find himself fitting her expectations.

But it's different with Renjun, he just didn't know what to do with him. His nervous self would end up expecting something he never thought of, and that made his heart flutter in a weird sensation. Sometimes, when he's with Siyeon, holding hands in hands, he would recall those times when he and Renjun lie side by side, when their arms would brush against each other. He felt bad for a moment, and then pushed the thought about Renjun again behind his head as he planted a small kiss on their intertwined fingers.

And now that Renjun was back, he couldn't help to notice him. In the hallway, in the cafeteria, in his own imagination. Jeno was thinking that he might have gone crazy when his eyes met those orbs again, shivering before him. But it's really Renjun, wearing the maroon plaid shirt – drenched maroon plaid shirt he chose-, curling himself into a ball. Yeah, like  _ de javu _ . He's scared he would bump his shoulder with Renjun – Renjun was as pale as a sheet, and Jeno scared he might break him if they bumped- that he has to keep his distance even though it's really hard because of the damn small umbrella. Again, the  _ de javu _ knocked on his mind when he pulled out the clothes from his closet carefully, thinking about which clothes would fit Renjun's body which was still much smaller than his – and he started to pull out the smallest clothes he has - when he poured the hot water into the smiling banana cup and the water turns white, it's still felt unreal.

Call him insane or mental, because apparently yes he was. That moment he pulled Renjun into a back hug – more likely a neck hug -. He didn't regret a thing, because it just felt right. So damn right he could float in his own tears. And just now, when Renjun's slender fingers found their way on his waist and gripped his jacket, he couldn't help to twist the speed handle harder so that those fingers finally wrapped around his abdomen instead. Even if that meant Jeno himself had to pray along with Renjun, wishing they would arrive safely in one living piece. It's just worth it. He felt close, Renjun once again felt so close.


	7. Bite

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
> Sing me like a choir  
> I can be the subject of your dreams  
> Your sickening desire  
> Don't you wanna see a man up close  
> A phoenix in the fire  
> So kiss me on the mouth and set me free  
> But please, don't bite
> 
> \- Bite, Troye Sivan

Jeno was surprised when Renjun joined his table for lunch break the next day, Donghyuck looked even happier because finally he could make Renjun joined them instead of having lunch in his science club room or in the class with some project excuses. "Funny, Jaemin" Donghyuck mocked as Jaemin made a joke about Donghyuck now uneven bangs length.

"Be grateful I'm not in the mood for your shit"

Renjun just laughed along. "What about if you trim the sides down instead and style the bang backwards?" Donghyuck raised an eyebrow, thinking "Wouldn't that be weird on me?" Renjun stood up, running his fingers on Donghyuck's bang and pulled them backwards carefully, Jeno watched as those fingers slipped through Donghyuck's brown locks, wondering to himself how it would feel if it was his hair. "Someone taught me the tip for a bed hair day"

"Hello, Mr. Bond" Jaemin whistled.

"You could trim it later and use some hair gel to keep it up" Slender fingers slid through skillfully. "Wow, I look fancy" Donghyuck observed his own reflection on the spoon.

_Renjun's fingers are pretty too._

"What do you think, Jeno?" Jeno couldn't be more surprised when Renjun asked the question to him. Jeno felt the cat caught his tongue "Uh- it's nice- I mean, suits you well, Donghyuck" The later glared

"What's with the stutters? Did you just make fun of me in your brain?"

"What? No I didn't, I just . . . mesmerised by your glow" Jeno replied. "I know what's in your mind, dick" and they again started the arguments, Renjun and Jaemin could only laugh at them along with other students who were also listening to their childish bickering.

The days were better since the talk, they were not running away from each other at least. Renjun would occasionally join them to hang out, just occasionally, because Renjun was still Renjun and he still loved his _'being alone'_. His first high school's championship was at the end of the year. Jeno wanted to be in the first string and be a part of the main team by the end of November. He trained hard to prove himself worth the spot. He barely met Renjun because Renjun himself was going to participate in a science competition this mid-October and he was preparing for it with the teacher.

But every now and then, Jeno could feel Renjun's companion just like the old days. Sometimes Donghyuck would drag him to watch Jeno's practice which Jeno himself was feeling kind of uneasy. Yes of course Donghyuck's main intention was to watch the cheer-leading squad's practice instead, but then his gaze would find its way to Renjun's shady eyes, staring at him, Renjun would smile weakly and when that happened or occasionally it's him who gave the boy a small wave.

Jeno would pay Renjun a visit at his science club too if he wasn't occupied with hectic practice or making up dates with Siyeon after school. Renjun always be the last person in the club, carefully cleaning the tubes and glasses, Renjun said once to him he liked doing it and so he volunteered to do that. Jeno liked watching Renjun on his white robe that almost matched his pale reflection. It was nice when it's just the two of them on a quiet evening in the science room, with Renjun lining the tubes on the lower shelf and Jeno placing the rest on the upper shelf.

Jeno liked Renjun's presence.

Maybe except for this special Wednesday afternoon, when Renjun suddenly appeared at the gym's door with Siyeon tailing behind. The girl was waving his hand at Jeno as he made a small jog to both of them "Why didn't you tell me you're coming?" Siyeon shoved a flask on Jeno's arms. "It won't be a surprise if I tell you beforehand, Lucky for me I meet Renjun to take me here"

He glanced at Renjun, "I guess I served my purpose" he jokingly replied. "What? no. Don't go, Renjun, stay with me here. You said you just finished your club right?" Siyeon grabbed Renjun's arm fast before he could walk away. His eyes darted to Jeno who was not sure what that look on Renjun's face meant. Did Renjun want him to make an excuse for him to leave? Did Renjun want him to let him stay? But what if he's feeling uncomfortable with Siyeon?

_What does that mean?_

The harder he thought, the more he made himself drowned in the situation. That's why he made his own decision.

"Stay, Renjun"

Really, he wanted Renjun to stay here for him.

~~~

It's already early October when Renjun stuck his head out the window of his bedroom. The breeze was starting to send chills to his skin that Renjun closed it down again. It's weekend and he has nothing to do since his sister was out of town for some modelling jobs for three days and he was thinking that he could take his breakfast a little later.

**_From Donghyuck_ **

_Good Morning, Sunshine!_

Renjun chuckled at the message,

**_To Donghyuck_ **

_What do you want, Donghyuck_?

He's about to fold his blanket when the phone beeped again.

**_From Donghyuck_ **

_How mean! You're just as mean as Jeno._

Renjun laughed at the crying emoticon at the end of the message, and as he was just about to type a reply, Donghyuck replied fast. He wanted to take him for a walk to the new shopping centre in the city, Renjun wanted to say no actually, he wanted to just laze around the house but then his phone beeped again.

**_From Donghyuck_ **

_Oh, Come on, do me a favour. I don't want to be a third wheel_

So Jeno and his girlfriend apparently came along. _Great, that's another reason to say no._

**_To Donghyuck_ **

_Okay, where should we meet?_

Renjun was definitely a dumb, that now he's waiting in front of the subway for Donghyuck. It's still 10 in the morning, not that many people on the street and he realised he just stood out too much with his new hair, a few took glances at him and he just looked down to avoid their gaze. "Renjun?"

Before he could even hide his hair again under the hood, Donghyuck jumped on him. "Oh my God, you dyed your hair?"

Renjun tucked the strands behind his ear. "It's for a job, and I forgot to bring my snap-back"

Donghyuck was still 'whoa'-ing over his ash grey hairs and Renjun could feel his cheeks burning at the stares people were still giving them "Come on, let's just go"

They were supposed to meet Jeno in front of the entrance, but after waiting for over twenty minutes, the boy was still nowhere in sight. Donghyuck was already sulking and Renjun tried to convince him that maybe Jeno got caught in a traffic jam. Few minutes later, Jeno really showed up, but Siyeon was not with him.

"Where's Siyeon?"

"She couldn't make it" Jeno weakly smiled. Renjun knew Jeno wanted to make up a date since he and Siyeon now barely had time to do that. Siyeon was Jeno's first girlfriend, his first relationship, and half a year was not a short time. As much as Renjun envied their relationship, Renjun realised both Jeno and Siyeon must have given up on many things to be together. A relationship wouldn't go on if only one side was trying, may it be in friendship or love, Renjun had learnt his lesson on this.

And Renjun could tell, Jeno was somehow disappointed. "Sorry for being late, I have things to do first"

"I thought this was your idea!" Jeno just grinned. "Come on, I'll treat you to your favourite milkshake" and for sure, Donghyuck surrendered in a second.

"Wait, did you dye your hair?" Jeno tried to open Renjun's hood, but Renjun was faster to dodge. "Don't you dare" Renjun warned. "Why?"

"Because it's so gorgeous and Renjun looks really good in it, I swear" Donghyuck dramatically gestured with his hands.

"Then why do you hide it?"

Renjun pulled his hood down further, almost covering his eyebrows. "It looks...unusual and I forget to bring my snap-back"

Jeno took off his white snap-back and shoved it to Renjun, "Here, use it, it must be uncomfortable for you to keep the hood up" Jeno chuckled when Renjun secretly looked around to see if anyone was paying attention to what he's going to do. And when Renjun felt it was safe enough, he pulled down and put the snap back on his head backward. Jeno caught it in a glance.

"It suits you" Jeno was honest, Renjun looked good in any colour. "It's just temporary" Renjun replied shortly.

It felt like one sided date with an addition of a five years old (read : Donghyuck) for Renjun to take care of. They just basically watched over Donghyuck so he wouldn't do inappropriate things to the girls or getting kicked out of the store for trying all their clothes.

But Renjun enjoyed it, even with Jeno's occasional absence from the conversation to check on Siyeon's texts.

"They're so mean to keep you working on it alone, though" Jeno frowned, and Renjun laughed "The competition is coming closer and everyone is so busy with their own task, I guess I can help since I've almost done with my own"

Jeno clicked his tongue. "Right, smart kid's problem"

"Don't say it as if you're not good at them either, you were one of the top three students in East Coast Junior" Renjun shoved Jeno's arm lightly. "And I feel like a fool, I mean I say those things to you and you treated me like I was the reincarnation of Einstein, and now it turns out you are much more of a smart ass than I've ever been" Jeno was still a melodramatic Jeno.

"Just so you guys know, I'm fine. Just keep talking to yourselves. Ignore me" They turned to the sour Donghyuck, walking alone behind them. "It's just worse than the scenario of me being the third wheel in your date with Siyeon"

Renjun pulled Donghyuck to walk in between them. "Don't be like that, Donghyuck, there, I give you back your beloved Jeno"

"You guys are just weird, I think both of you have met in your previous life and magically meet again in this life to continue the conversation"

Jeno and Renjun exchanged looks and laughed "What? What did I miss?" Donghyuck asked in confusion.

"I don't understand what you're talking about, Donghyuck" Jeno put his hand around Donghyuck's shoulder, of course he felt bad for hiding the fact that he and Renjun knew each other even before he met Donghyuck, but both him and Renjun just wanted to leave thing that way, they're here. That's all that mattered.

They're just walking around the mall before deciding to catch a late afternoon movie. "I'll grab some popcorn and sodas" Jeno turned his heels to the snack corner.

"You can go pick the movie, Donghyuck, I really need to use the bathroom" Renjun jogged to the restroom. Leaving Donghyuck pouting again in front of the ticket counter.

Renjun washed his hands on the sink, slightly rushed because maybe Donghyuck and Jeno were already waiting for him. He's glad he made a choice to say yes to Donghyuck's offer.

"What did we get here?" The water turned cold as ice, Renjun froze at another reflection on the mirror.

"The lone Renjun has made himself some friends, am I right?"

"Oy, I'm talking to you" Renjun breathed out to relieve the sudden pain on his nape as Hyunjin grabbed his head and yanked it backward, making Jeno's snap-back fell on the counter. The other boy sneered at fading grey locks and slid his other hand on Renjun's face ever so slowly that Renjun felt disgusted at his every touch on his skin. "Look at you. What a miracle we can meet again in here, I guess our fate is not that far from each other"

"My boys saw you and your pretty sister on a website. Earning some money by selling your face, huh? It couldn't be helped, I guess you and your sister inherit the same talent to use your body and face, just like what your filthy mother did"

Hyunjin's hand was no longer on his cheek, it had joined his other hand to rest on his neck, squeezing it harder. Renjun could feel the air was not reaching his lungs, his eyes wavered in tears, red and wet, but Renjun didn't move.

When finally, the tears reached his jaw, Hyunjin eventually let go. His gaze never leaving Renjun's reflection, somehow admiring the red marks on Renjun's neck. Renjun looked back at Hyunjin's eyes through the mirror, _sick, sick bastard._ Hyunjin broke away when other people came into the bathroom. "Now that i know you're here too. Let's meet again sometimes" and he left.

The red mark was visible even when he pulled the collar higher, Renjun covered up the hood over the snap-back, at least anyone wouldn't notice this way. He came out after washing his face. Jeno and Donghyuck were standing in front of the theatre door, waiting for Renjun "Are you okay? did you have a stomach ache or something?" Donghyuck asked in concern.

"Yeah, my bad. Let's go, I don't want to miss the movie"

~~~

The beautiful _Scarlett Johansson_ on the big screen has long forgotten because Jeno's eyes were busy taking glances at the boy beside him, Renjun didn't look fine, Jeno could tell that much. Only God knew what's going on inside the quiet boy - Renjun suddenly became a little more ' _quiet_ ' than his usual self - and Jeno could only guess. Even if his eyes were fixated on the screen, Jeno knew Renjun wasn't really watching. He wanted to ask, _as a friend_ , but knowing Renjun, he wouldn't say a word just like the old time when Jeno asked why he didn't go home. Learning about Renjun was definitely harder than any subjects in school.

Jeno totally missed the movie. As the credit was rolling on the screen, Renjun finally realised Jeno's gaze on him. And Jeno just smiled.

"Where are we going next?"

"Let's call it a day, I'm tired" Jeno whined at Donghyuck's spirit. "Okay, but it's just because I want to try these clothes at home. Next time we're here, I won't let you go home, Jeno Lee"

Jeno groaned, and finally he could see a small smile from Renjun's lips. Donghyuck skipped his steps walking away. And Renjun was left alone with Jeno. "Let me take you home"

"I can take the bus" Renjun didn't want to sound rude. "But motorcycles are faster" Jeno insisted. Renjun laughed this time. "I don't want to risk my life in a hand of fifteen years old boy with no license"

"Correction, sixteen soon. I won't go past 60, I swear"

"I thought you said it's _faster_ "

Jeno was thinking of going over 70, but he has promised. Renjun's hands always felt perfect on his waist- of course it's his personal opinion- and Jeno just loved it when their helmets bumped as he stopped because of the traffic light. Renjun felt so close.

This place felt like Renjun, _cozy_ and simple. It's twice bigger than his previous place in town, but everything gave the same feeling as Renjun's older one. The same picture of his sister he saw at Renjun's old apartment was hanging above the coffee table, there's a dark blue couch in the living room, this time also bigger than the cramp couch Renjun had once. "Your sister?"

"She has a schedule"

"Wait-"

  
  


_Oh. Shit._

  
  


It's a habit to take off the jacket as soon as he entered the house because they never have air con before and Renjun totally forgot that he needed the jacket to hide something.

"Who did this?"

Jeno's face was stern. "It's just a rash"

"Don't fuck with me, who did this?" Jeno wasn't a fool.

Renjun flinched as the other male pulled his wrist, a little too hard for Renjun's comfort, but Jeno didn't mean to hurt him. "It's when we're in the cinema, right? When you went to the restroom"

"Jeno, please, I don't want to talk about this"

Jeno took a step behind, loosened up his grip at Renjun's wrist. "I am not good enough, aren't I? That's why you don't trust me and hide this thing"

"What are you talking about? it's just not . . your business"

All this time, Renjun was always in every _business_ Jeno did. Even if Jeno didn't want to say it out loud, Renjun was the reason he could date Siyeon for this long. _How can Renjun say it's not his business?_ He regretted it already, when he stepped out of Renjun's business back then in the wooden castle, and what happened? He lost Renjun.

Jeno just could never read through Renjun. The red mark faintly coloured Renjun's long neck, it looked painful, and disturbing. "Please, don't push me away"

Jeno meant it with all his heart, he would kneel if he had to, he didn't want to regret anything anymore.

  
  


"We're just- friends, Jeno"

  
  


Jeno thought that he's gonna die soon, the pain was squeezing his entire organs and suddenly his stomach felt hollow. Renjun's words were just so damn hurtful. He gripped Renjun's wrist harder, but not as hard as the previous one, Renjun could feel the desperation, hope, and pain at the skin contact, maybe Jeno's or maybe his own. Renjun wondered.

Renjun didn't want to hurt Jeno either, but they have to wake up, they're not supposed to hold this feeling. Not with Siyeon, with Jeno's family, with their lives at stake. They're insecure about this, and Renjun wanted Jeno to know he was feeling the same. _Why is this so hard?_ Renjun looked into Jeno's pained gaze.

And Jeno seemed to read his mind.

  
  


"I know.... and there are a lot of other things that make us _friend_ -

-I'm grateful, they keep me from making wrong decisions, from keeping us from being ' _friends_ '. But it's so confusing now, I don't even know if I want us to be friends, if I want us to be more than friends, or even if I actually want us to be nothing. I just don't know what I want anymore. I couldn't keep up with my head anymore" Jeno's voice trembled. Half of the air he inhaled between the sentence was choking him instead. But he swallowed hard to keep himself breathing, as much as it hurt to speak any other words.

Renjun didn't like what he saw, he didn't like to see those pained eyes finally bleed with tears. Jeno's dam has broken, again for the second time in front of him. Everything was scary and Renjun understood that both of them didn't know what to do. There was his family, there're their friends, there's Siyeon, there're their future, there's the world, -standing between them. So many things to lose for just a simple desire that might dim along the way. But somehow, just a little bit, that desire sparked something they both knew has been missing from their lives. Among the comforts Jeno always had, Renjun was a challenge for his ambitious mind. And Jeno was a comfort for Renjun's wandering mind.

  
  


_Yeah, It's scary, Jeno, I'm scared of the world too._

  
  


Renjun took a step closer, leaving them only another step away. _I'm scared too._

  
  


"Jeno, if we ignore all those things...

. . and we push away rationality...

. . . .

What do you desire?"

  
  


_One second._

  
  


_Two seconds._

  
  


_Three seconds._


	8. Strawberries & Cigarettes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You always leave me wanting more  
> I can't shake my hunger for  
> Strawberries and cigarettes always taste like you  
> Yeah, they always taste like you
> 
> \- Strawberries & Cigarettes , Troye Sivan

**Warning : Explicit Scene (Not Really LOL)**

Renjun has always been a morning person no matter how late he went to sleep the previous night. Maybe except for winter when the temperature was too low for his preference. Strangely enough, it was like one of those days when the warmth he felt around his own body was too much of a comfort to keep him awake. Not until he realised that he could feel another limb that didn't belong to him. Renjun's eyes sprung open in a second, _Oh Lord_.

It almost felt like another dream he had all these nights, waking up with Jeno's sleeping face in front of him. His long eyelashes – so, so, beautifully long curvy black eyelashes- , his high nose bridge, and his sharp jawline, right in front of his eyes. Exactly like he always imagined them to be. This was too much even for a dream.

His heart almost stopped when Jeno's own eyes were suddenly wide open, those lips curved into a smug smirk and a small dimple forming on his cheeks.

"I know, gorgeous, right?"

Renjun pushed his palms to cover Jeno's face, hoping the figure was just a hologram and his hands would go through that _gorgeous_ looking arrogant face. But, _God,_ his hands could feel those contours that sculpt the magical face clearly. "Hey, I can't see anything. Come on, let me see you too"

"No" _hell no._ His face was always swollen in the morning, Renjun despised that, as if he got Botox injections in his sleep. And there's no way he would let Jeno see it.

"That's not fair, you got a free show just now, let me have mine, come on" Jeno's power was something Renjun should never underestimate. _Athletic bastard._ His hands were now already pinned under Jeno's strong arm, while his other hand pulled Renjun's chin up closer.

His ugly – sure, whatever- grin stretched wider, and Renjun frowned. "See, it's not a good show, so let go"

Jeno shook his head, "Yeah, the show is kind of boring" Renjun could feel Jeno's lips in only a blink of eyes. A light peck, definitely not long enough for Renjun to process it.

_Did he sleep through the entire winter and spring? Why is it suddenly hot like summer?_

"That's more like it, I like this show better" The culprit smiled widely, probably enjoying _the beet red face Renjun_ _show_ too much. A little too much.

His body suddenly reacted faster than his brain, his legs speeding up towards the bathroom. "I need to use the bathroom" God gracious, his legs were long enough to reach the door in five steps and he slammed the door almost immediately.

His body dropped on top of the toilet's seat, _Oh my God, it's not a dream?_

The feeling of Jeno's lips was still there, and it just clicked, his brain immediately recalled something about those lips.

  
  


_"I want you, Renjun_ "

  
  


He's definitely gone insane, now he remembered how he closed their gap. How he inched his face closer to the slightly taller yet more muscular boy, and how that gorgeous orbs of his closed before his eyes. _Oh my God_. That feeling of Jeno's warm lips on him felt so real now, because, Lord, he remembered, he kissed Jeno last night.

Renjun grazed his own lips, those lips were there last night. Well, he kissed Jeno – he literally slammed his own first on Jeno's – but then he remembered how those lips found ways to devour his. Each and every move those lips made were creating another butterfly on Renjun's stomach. His legs turned to jelly and Jeno had to put his hand on Renjun's waist to support him. Jeno was a good kisser –that's definitely an understatement- in Renjun's opinion, well, he didn't really have another kiss to compare, so the kiss was definitely one of the best kisses he has ever had.

He could still feel how his lungs screamed for air but his lips wouldn't listen and keep moving with Jeno's own. Creating dances Renjun's lips would never forget. It got him annoyed at the thought of how Jeno could be so good at kissing, then Siyeon's face suddenly flashed in his mind. So he moved his lips to bite Jeno's lower lip, making the later gasped slightly and Renjun advanced to experiment with his own lack of experience by deepening the kiss, rushing it into a messy pace like he wanted to erase the girl's lips that - God knew how many times- have been there, on Jeno's lips. He still recalled how Jeno smiled against his lips at the bold action.

But then when Jeno wanted to push into Renjun's cave, Renjun broke away almost immediately. That was his limit. And Jeno understood, because he immediately pulled him for a hug instead.

_How to vanish into thin air and never return?_

He just couldn't go out the door and faced Jeno now that he remembered every detail of it.

"Renjun, are you okay?" Jeno's voice sounded worried, maybe he had locked himself too long.

"Yes, I'm fine, just a minute" Renjun scrambled to turn on the tap and splashed himself with cold water.

"Are you sure? Do you need me to jerk you off?"

_What?!_

"Piss off, Jeno!" Jeno's laugh roared outside the bathroom. And Renjun felt himself burning. _What a rude nuisance._

~~~

"Whoaa, Jeno and Renjun are doing homo thing" Renjun pulled his hands away from Jeno's waist immediately, he swore if he didn't wear the helmet, Jaemin could see his blushing face. "Good morning to you too, Jaemin Na" Jeno on the other hand was so relaxed at the teasing.

"Hello guys! Good morning!" Donghyuck came to the scene after waving his driver away. 

"Look, Homo couple!" Jaemin pointed at Jeno and Renjun. "How can be we're coming to school together is homo, when Donghyuck doing that thing is normal?" Jeno pointed at Donghyuck who was already clinging to Renjun's neck like a koala. Jaemin shrugged his shoulders "Donghyuck just needs to do that thing to be normal" Jeno scoffed.

"We'll be going first" Renjun handed the helmet. "Okay, see you at lunch?" Jeno asked and Renjun smiled,

"Sure"

Donghyuck didn't ask how he and Jeno could arrive at school together, and Renjun was really grateful for that because honestly, he's not prepared for the question about him and Jeno. "You're going away for a week next Sunday, right?"

"Yes, the preliminary is starting next Monday"

Donghyuck plopped his head on his hands. "It's gonna be so lonely here, you, Jeno, even Jaemin won't be here"

Renjun snorted at the sentence, Donghyuck missing Jaemin would be a joke Jeno would like to hear. "Come on, you have others, it's not like we won't return"

"Sometimes I wish you guys will just fail and come back earlier" Renjun smacked Donghyuck's head lightly. "How could you think like that?"

"Hey, kidding. I'll pray for your victory"

Donghyuck was a very nice person – if Renjun ignored his sarcastic diva persona and sometimes rude attitude of course – and he liked Donghyuck a lot. There was a nudge of guilt when he recalled the fact that both Jeno and Renjun were hiding things from Donghyuck. But there's no guarantee that Donghyuck would accept it either and Renjun didn't want to risk it. Not that he and Donghyuck had become so close.

The lunch break came fast for Renjun, Chemistry was his favourite subject after all. "I'm doomed. I don't understand a thing about the lesson" Donghyuck groaned. "You're my only hope, Renjun. Lend me your note later okay?"

Their usual table looked empty, only Jaemin sitting there alone. "Where's Jeno?"

  
  


"He went outside to have a lunch with his girlfriend"

  
  


Renjun thought he'll be a little more . . . _in pain,_ but the funny thing was; he couldn't feel much of anything at all at the fact that Jeno was with Siyeon right now, probably sharing a bowl of pasta or to sarcastically putting it; they might be feeding each other with their mouths. Renjun didn't really care.

It's just not his business, and one thing he understood, they shared a mutual feeling. Renjun didn't want to be greedy to wish Jeno for himself, Siyeon was Jeno's girlfriend, they loved each other, and Renjun himself was happy to have enough part of Jeno for himself.

Of course, there's an urge to dial Jeno's number and lied that he got an emergency so that Jeno would ditch Siyeon and came for him, but here's another possibility that Renjun also consider; Jeno would ignore the call, or he would pick it up, but he would still choose Siyeon over him. Renjun didn't know which one would hurt more, but he just didn't want to get hurt at the possibility.

**_From Johnny-Suh_ **

_Should I pick you up later?_

**_To Johnny-Suh_ **

_It's okay, I can go there by myself_

**_From Johnny-Suh_ **

_Sorry~ I know you're really busy at the moment, but you're the only one that crosses my mind!_

Renjun decided to stop working for the competition, Johnny agreed, because he didn't want any job to disturb Renjun's study. But it must be a very urgent situation that Johnny asked him to be a model for his newest project, the photo demo was in two days and their original model backed off at the last minute.

_~~~_

"Let's go home together today"

Jeno looked up, Siyeon's iced lemon tea was half empty. "I gotta go somewhere"

"No practice?"

"No, we need to catch up on some homework tonight, so the coach let us off" Siyeon didn't miss the stare when Jeno took a glance at his own phone screen, it was an unsettling feeling but she knew Jeno was not that kind of person. It's just never crossed her mind, that Jeno would ever do that.

"Are you still mad? about yesterday" _Ah,right, yesterday_

"It's okay, I understand you need to do something else, not a big deal" Jeno smiled, but Siyeon could tell Jeno was slightly different today, either he's actually still mad about her cancelling her promise or he's annoyed that she asked him to have lunch together. Siyeon decided to just keep it for herself. "Then, can I watch your practice tomorrow?"

Jeno nodded "Sure, I'll pick you up in the front gate,okay?"

It's not the first time he spent the lunch break with Siyeon, even though he had to sneak out, as long as he could arrive before the break was over, it was never a bother for him. Spending the time with Siyeon was never boring to begin with. But thinking about yesterday, he remembered when he stared at Siyeon's messages and calls, asking where he was that night and mostly asking if he's mad at her. Renjun was taking a bath at that time, and he just sat there on Renjun's bed, hair still dripping wet.

Like a magical kiss, when his lips met Renjun's, everything turned _dark_ , as if both of them were falling, desperately clutching onto each other; a part of them scared to hit the ground, but also expecting when finally they shattered to pieces at the same time. Renjun's lips felt magical, and that day, he finally knew that their feelings were mutual.

When Renjun came out of the bathroom, Jeno knew he had to reply to those messages. And maybe it's guilt, maybe it's his selfishness, that he pushed the turn off button instead, leaving the phone dead on the table. That night, he was there, on Renjun's bed. Unlike the other time when he could only graze Renjun's elbow, that time, he could feel Renjun – all of Renjun- in his arms. Renjun smelt like mint, and Jeno never got tired of smelling the top of his head. Renjun hesitated, when he patted the spot next to him, but Jeno didn't have forever to wait for Renjun's decision, so he pulled the boy down to lie with him, head pressed to his own chest, and Jeno's hands found the way to wrap around the skinny boy's body.

He didn't want to be selfish, having both Siyeon and Renjun by himself, he wanted Renjun equally like he wanted Siyeon. He has been spending his time with Siyeon by his side, from friend to girlfriend, she's there when he's devastated, when he needed Renjun. She's everything every boy could only wish for. And he said it to Renjun that he didn't want to lose her.

He's absolutely the worst.

But he and Renjun shared the same feeling of wanting to be together, to protect each other from the world. Jeno knew he was risking their future, but Renjun's smile made it worth it. And seeing that red mark on his beautiful skin got him furious, making him wanted to protect him just the way he wanted to protect Siyeon. He didn't want to choose one of them and hurt the other one in the process, not Renjun, not Siyeon either. But if he dragged this on, there was a probability he's going to hurt both Renjun and Siyeon. Jeno knew.

"Jeno, I love you" Siyeon's hand felt warm against his, so warm, and _suffocating_.

"I love you too"

_~~~_

**_From Jeno_ **

_I can take you there, right?_

_I will take you there, I have no practice,_

_Wait for me_

  
  


**_To Jeno_ **

_You never take no for an answer, don't you?_

_All right, I'll wait_

  
  


It didn't matter, even it's just a minute or two, he wanted to be with Jeno. He wouldn't push himself on Jeno, he wouldn't ask for all of Jeno. Because being here, by Jeno's side was enough, for now. He might be getting greedy later, but now, at this moment, all he wanted was being with Jeno, even if that meant he could only wait for Jeno's _left over_ time with Siyeon. _It's okay_.

"Sorry, did you wait too long?" Jeno's hair was slightly wet, probably from running here, Renjun chuckled softly. "No, I just arrived"

"What's funny?"

Renjun wiped Jeno's sweat by the sleeve of his sweater. "You. I thought I said I'll wait; you don't have to run all the way here"

"That's because I miss you, I really want to see you _" Jeno_ was one of the people who has the ability to embarrass other people by saying embarrassing things without getting embarrassed by himself. His face was damn serious and Renjun couldn't help to feel the knot inside his stomach fasten. _This is bad,_ he's going to vomit butterflies.

"Could you be more aware of your surroundings?"

"No one's here, the other students went home already" Jeno raised his voice, proving that no one's going to bother listening to their conversation.

"That's not the point-"

"But you miss me too, right?" _Oh, Lord_

"I never say that"

"And last night, you kissed me first, even bite-" _this person is unbelievable_

"God, Jeno could you stop it? Let's just go, I'm going to be late" Renjun grabbed the helmet, but Jeno raised it above his head so Renjun couldn't reach it.

"Say it and I'll shut up"

Renjun rolled his eyes, this was definitely really childish. "Say it"

"Fine, I miss you. There, I say it, now-"

This was going to be one thing he hated from Jeno from now on, _how impudent._ He gave a kiss without asking permission. He needed to learn consent. Well, they both needed to. But how could Renjun mad at that ridiculously cheeky grin and charming eye smiles on Jeno's handsome face?

"Are you crazy?!"

"You can tell, Renjun, I'm crazy, for you"

_No, no, no,_ this overly cheesy conversation was not Renjun's thing. Scratch that, it would never be Renjun's thing.

~~~

"Welcome to the first string, Jeno"

Jeno's hard work paid off, he made it to the main team as an understudy even before November started. He's the only first year to make it, and Jaehyun was extremely excited to hear the news –He's a big fan of SM High basketball team- he wanted to tell Renjun, but Jeno thought he must be really busy at the moment.

The rest of the days were spent preparing for the game. He never met Renjun again after Tuesday because he has extra classes. His Science championship would also start next week. Which was pretty much taking a toll on Renjun because he also has a work meeting after that. He only talked to him through the phone at night, but as much as he wanted to keep talking to Renjun, Jeno knew Renjun must be really exhausted after a long day of answering questions for the rest of the week.

Siyeon came every day though, and he's grateful, because practice could be really frustrating sometimes, especially with the pressure of being one of the best teams, and Siyeon was there, giving him mental support like she always did. A little thing Jeno didn't know, Renjun was there too, watching him by the door. Even if that meant he had to sacrifice his only break time between his preparation class, Renjun was there, behind the crowds. And every time Jeno scored a point, he would glance at Siyeon, making the crowds whispered how sweet the couple was. _Sweet._ And every time, Renjun would step away from the court without being noticed.

The preparation was driving everybody nuts, they have to solve crazy amounts of questions enough for the whole semester. Seungmin and him were the only first year to be the representation. Renjun could stand the pressure, but Seungmin was unexpectedly being a kid every now and then, whining about the extra classes and sulking about the ridiculous questions. "Let's end it here, senior, we had enough trials already"

Senior Doyoung agreed, he dismissed the class earlier than usual but reminded them to keep studying hard for the competition even if tomorrow was their last weekend.

Renjun wanted to check on the gym again, but Siyeon might still be there, he didn't have the courage to face Siyeon, not after he made Jeno cheat behind her. But nothing he could do to stop his feelings towards Jeno, Jeno was still hers, and Renjun was just an outsider who wanted a bite of Jeno. Renjun was aware of that fact.

There's doubt and guilt; _Can they really ignore those things? Can they really push away rationality?_.

Renjun was the first one to find the answer, that _they can't_ and _they shouldn't_ either. Siyeon and Jeno were the perfect picture. Renjun was aware of that as well, yet he didn't want to admit it, Jeno and him could not be defined with any words, but it's their feelings that mattered.

Renjun's heart told him to keep loving.

But the brain cells of his kept telling him otherwise, without any reason, he didn't try harder to meet Jeno, he just stood by the door of the gym, taking a glimpse of Jeno. If Jeno didn't call him, he wouldn't call Jeno back. He missed Jeno, so much his chest hurt. The formulas on his text books were nowhere getting inside his head and all he thought about was the boy. Again, Renjun knew he had to restrain himself from being greedy.

And so, a week passed just like that, with Renjun missing Jeno, and Jeno wondering about Renjun.

~~~

_"I miss you already_ " Renjun laughed, a little too loud that Seungmin looked up to ask him, whispering "Who?"

"Donghyuck" Renjun whispered back -not sure why he did that- and Seungmin read his textbooks back.

"I'm just going away for a week, Donghyuck. we can always talk on the phone"

Renjun could hear a sigh from the other line " _But you'll be busy, there's no way you will even pick up the call. It's frustrating because I want to watch you guys but it's 405 kilometers away from here and my brother will only take me next Saturday for the basketball's final- if our school can even make it_ "

"Hey, have a little faith on our team" Donghyuck mumbled 'whatever'

"You'll be here by Saturday, right?"

" _Yeah, guess so, if my dear big brother keeps his promise to take me there. Really, it's getting boring without you guys here_ "

Renjun smiled, "Thanks, Donghyuck"

" _For?"_

"For the call and everything" _Silence_

" _All right, let's end the drama, gotta go help Mom's cooking. See ya, Renjun! Kick their asses for me! And send Seungmin my hugs and kisses_ "

Seungmin rolled his eyes, totally judging the four dimensional person talking to Renjun just now. "His high spirit irks me the most"

The dorm was huge, Renjun couldn't help to gape at the building, three stories with three bunk beds in each room. He lost counts how many rooms he has passed by. "This is crazy, we even have a TV in our room"

"I'll get the top bunk!" Jihoon hopped on the ladder. "We have enough beds for ourselves guys"

Senior Doyoung said. Renjun took the furthest lower bunk near the wall, away from the window. He didn't like the morning sun anyway. Three of them chose top bunks and only him and Senior Doyoung chose the lower. The girls of the team got their own room.

"All right, who wants to walk around?"

Renjun ended up alone in the room. He didn't feel like walking around after six hours on the road, he still could feel his breakfast hanging somewhere in his throat. It's three in the afternoon, their sports program should be here by now. He took out the phone, but then hesitated for a good fifteen minutes.

 _It's just a call, it won't hurt._ He just needed to hear if Jeno's arrived, yeah, he only wanted to know how the team's doing.

_The number you're calling cannot be reached, please try again later_

Renjun cursed under his breath and threw the phone somewhere on the bed. The seconds ticked slower than usual, he's been pacing back and forth, reading his textbooks, arranging his belongings, and by the time he checked the clock, it's only three thirty. He glanced again at his phone, lying still in silence. _Fuck._

He grabbed his jacket, his phone and locked the door. It's not good, it's making him restless.

He walked around aimlessly, the other school teams were here as well. The sun was almost down, and he was still wondering why he couldn't get through Jeno. The other kids must have returned to the room. He heard that the sports event participants were still in the gym for a briefing before tomorrow's games, Jeno would be there for sure. But No, he wouldn't go there. It's too embarrassing if Jeno knew he's actually missing him.

"Hey, you're back"

It was very obvious that Jeno had already gone through the awkward phase in puberty where his voice would crack and somehow alternated between awkward high notes and embarrassing low mumbles. He had definitely reached the comfortable time of _"my voice sure is nice on your ears, isn't it"_ , and Renjun resented it. Just a bit. Because his own voice cracked on occasion, and that was doubly annoying since his sister and Donghyuck kept laughing about it. Jaemin too, though he at least was more discreet about it.

Renjun closed the door behind his back, looking around the room, just in case he entered the wrong room. But Seungmin's smiling Pikachu's pyjama pants were here, so there's no way of mistaking it. It's his room.

"What are you doing in here?!"

"Oh, we just finished the briefing before I met your seniors and friends in the hallway. I guess everybody wants to take a bath immediately, so I thought I could borrow your room since I can't take all this sweats" Jeno waved his shirt and shorts, clearly damp from the sweats. Renjun loathed to admit that it was indeed a nice sight, having Jeno here after a few days, but he was, in general, very loath to admit much of anything.

"Renjun" Jeno hummed, his tone mildly surprised but undeniably pleased, as he sat down and – _Holy fucking Lord-_ it was only now that Renjun took notice of how little Jeno was wearing.

Only swimming trunks.

The rest of Jeno was just very aesthetically pleasing skins, slightly tan and smooth-looking, and probably the cause of death of a very confused fifteen-year-old virgin like himself. "Where are the others?" Renjun tried to look everywhere else but Jeno. The other boy looked amused at the reaction, it's a normal thing for boys to be naked in front of each other, making fun of each other's size and others vulgar things- Hell, his teammates walked around the changing room naked all the time- But Renjun was different, Jeno wondered if Renjun actually ever touched himself, or talked about personal matters like this to someone else.

_Right._

Renjun didn't have any _male_ family member that could help him, not even a very close friend to talk about it. –Jeno was really glad he has a brother even though he could be an annoying bully who made fun of him when it came to things like this-.

"They're having dinner first"

He stood up and walked closer, Renjun cursed and prayed. He didn't know which one he wished to be true the most.

_Don't come closer._

"Renjun, look at me" Jeno breathed, both arms suddenly caging him beside his head, back leaning towards the wall. "Renjun" Jeno repeated, making Renjun stop just close enough that he could feel Jeno's breath on his lips, close enough to see the sparkles of gold in Jeno's eyes, enough that he could sit and count every one of Jeno's eyelashes. Renjun has never been more aware of the boy's knee between his thighs.

"Jeno-" Renjun murmured back. He was sure his heart has stopped beating now and he then continued

"-Can I kiss you?"

"Wow, Consent. Are you sure you want to?" _really? You're asking?_ Renjun wanted to bury himself alive because this was so damn awkward and embarrassing as fuck. Couldn't he just say yes or pretended like he never asked? Fuck consent then.

Renjun wanted to say no and pretended it's just a joke himself, but in complete honesty, Renjun had never been more sure of anything in his life than he was right now, wanting to kiss Jeno. Saying no would be a lie. And lying was a sin.

"I'm sure" Renjun answered nonetheless. 

Jeno titled his head and leaned in further, pausing just barely an inch to let Renjun made the final move, and Renjun did, suddenly his lips were on Jeno's.

_This is bad,_

Renjun pulled away, but Jeno leaned in and re-captured them again, not wanting it to end just yet.

The kiss turned rough, the soft pecks changed into a hungry tug. Renjun could feel Jeno rushing the pace and Renjun had to steady himself not to sit on Jeno's knee. A single moan escaped between their kiss, and Jeno smirked against his lips. _Smug bastard._ He took the chance to dive in Renjun's cave, intertwining their tongues in harmony. _This is not happening._ Renjun closed his eyes shut, trying to remember which music sheet he learnt in middle school has the same rhythm with the kiss. _This is weird._ Renjun couldn't remember. All he knew was his own fingers traced the invisible piano keys on Jeno's skins. He gripped Jeno's arms tighter, and finally Jeno pulled away slowly, making a single string of saliva between their lips. Renjun could breathe again.

"I don't like it" Renjun wiped his lips.

"Liar" Jeno leaned in again but Renjun looked away. Jeno didn't give up, he pecked his ear instead and Renjun flinched, hitting Jeno. "That's even weirder, I don't like it either"

"You will later" Jeno pulled Renjun face closer with his free hand repeating the same kiss that made Renjun's legs weakened while the other rested below his waist, pulling his body lower. 

_Oh, La-Campanella._ Renjun finally remembered. When his groin hit Jeno's knee, Renjun gasped, clutching Jeno's tone arms. Jeno roamed his fingers on Renjun's soft fading ash grey locks, slowly pulling the head backward so he could taste Renjun's neck. "Wait-"

Jeno didn't stop, his other hand was busy roaming Renjun's side. On the other hand, Renjun was desperately clutching Jeno's torso to support himself. The awkwardness of what Jeno could be thinking with the rising tent in his pants was long forgotten. "It's okay, you can relax, Renjun" Renjun didn't want to relax, it's getting too much for him to handle and his jeans suddenly feel even tighter. _No, this is getting worse._

 _"_ It feels weird." Renjun had to muffle his own yelp when suddenly Jeno’s hand slipped inside the waist of his jeans and now cupped his crotch through his underpants. _No.no.no. This is bad. His heart was about to explode.  
_

Jeno grinned again as Renjun suddenly held his breath when Jeno nibbled the spot behind his ear. Renjun couldn't think about anything anymore. He was usually good at focusing, no matter how boring the subject was, Renjun always found himself easily fell into his own way to focus. But this was too much for his sanity. He didn't know which one he needed to focus on; the tingling wet sensation Jeno left with every kisses or the bizarre frictions that sent electricity through his body.

_Solfeggietto, Bach._ Renjun needed to stop thinking about his musical sheets from middle school now.

Jeno's pace suddenly slowed down in almost melodramatic strokes and Renjun groaned, he didn't need an _adagio_ right now.

_"Allegro"_

Jeno almost laughed when Renjun unconsciously mumbled _Allegro_ between his low gasps. All these porn watching lessons from Donghyuck finally did him some favour. But Jeno didn't comply and kept his slow pace steady before grabbing Renjun even bolder like the fabric didn't even exist. Jeno was a male too, he knew exactly what to do to make it felt good. As his thumb pressed at the top of his shaft, Renjun's eyes flickered .

_Fuck._

Renjun's breath hitched and he bumped his forehead to Jeno's shoulder. Catching his breath back on steady, Jeno's hand brushed the soft strands away from Renjun's face.

_Beautiful, beautiful Renjun_.

"Are you okay? How are you feeling?" Renjun pushed Jeno.

"This is my favourite underpants"

Jeno laughed hard. "That's what you're thinking?" Renjun looked down at his jeans, it's gonna take a hard effort to clean the mess underneath. "Are you . . that's-"

Jeno followed Renjun's gaze. "Ah, I guess I get myself excited too, sorry" He laughed nervously,

"Do you need me to . . help?"

He smiled softly, sliding his thumb on Renjun's flushed cheeks. "It's okay, I know you're not ready" Renjun looked down again, _yeah._ All this thing was too new and too sudden for him at once. "Can I borrow the bathroom first?"

He nodded and Jeno bumped their foreheads together. "Let's take it slowly, okay?"

_What should he do? This is the worst,_


	9. Too Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fingers walk your thigh  
> Breathe my love, get high  
> And ohh, I'm so scared  
> Ohh, I'm so scared  
> It's just for tonight
> 
> -Too Good, Troye Sivan

"Fuck, I messed that one question" Seungmin furiously cursed at himself. Of course Renjun and the rest of the team believed that Seungmin could get to the next round for sure, but he's not content by the question he couldn't answer. "It's just one question, don't worry" Doyoung cheered him up, but Seungmin was still sulking at his own idiocy. "Do you guys want to eat something before we watch the basketball game?"

Renjun glanced at his watch, 13.50. The basketball match was going to start in ten minutes, if he could go to the gym within five minutes, he could meet Jeno before the warm-up. "I need to meet someone first"

"Is that so? then, let's meet there later"

Renjun nodded.

Jeno was still in the changing room, tying his shoelaces on the floor. Even though he's not the starting player of this game, he wanted to make sure he's ready when the coach called him in. He read the message from his family and from Siyeon once again before slamming his locker's door tight.

**_From Mom_ **

_Sweety, good luck with the game. Mom loves you, Go get em,Tiger!_

**_From Jay-Bro_ **

_Hey, don't push yourself too hard or you might get a boner after the game end hahaha_

**_From Siyeon_ **

_Win the game, handsome, I love you, always_

"All right, let's go" The captain of the team, Jongin instructed.

Renjun was there, standing outside their changing room's door, back leaned on the wall. His ash grey hairs were only visible like a highlight now. Jeno remembered when he ran through them yesterday, smooth and silky. He was glad the captain allowed him to meet Renjun first, he also reminded Jeno to be in the court before the game started. Jeno said yes and pulled Renjun back to the empty changing room.

He smashed himself to the boy, intertwining their fingers while his lips roamed on the other boy's. Renjun accepted the kiss calmly this time, he didn't try to push Jeno away. It's really funny because he kissed Renjun this past two days more than he ever kissed anyone –except his family- all these times. He kissed Renjun once when Jeno went out the bathroom –Renjun had changed his pants by that time- and once when Renjun came out of the bathroom –He was slapped, probably because he suddenly jumped on Renjun and made him surprised- and one more time after having dinner in the cafeteria –they were really late and probably the last students to have dinner, Renjun blamed Jeno for that all the way back to the room-. He didn't want to be an ass-hole, but kissing Renjun might have become one of his new hobbies now. His lips were like a drug Jeno could never get bored of. Ever.

Renjun was still not used with the unhygienic kiss-Renjun really named the kiss with that name-, Jeno didn't want to scare Renjun either, so it's always the usual kiss, lips on lips, sometimes longer and deeper, but nothing more than that. "How was the first test?" Jeno broke away. "Who do you think I am?" Renjun playfully replied. Jeno only chuckled. "Yeah, right. You're the almighty Renjun Huang, it must've come easy for you"

Renjun laughed softly. "Well, it's just the preliminary, it won't be funny if I failed it"

"Big head nerd" Jeno rolled his eyes. Renjun laughed harder when Jeno snuggled his head on Renjun's neck "Your game is starting soon, you should go"

"Yeah"

Renjun stepped closer, putting his hands on Jeno's chest.

"Don't get hurt"

It's easy, with the team beside him. They easily sat on top of the classification even though their main competitor was still chasing behind. The captain trusted him to lead some quarters in the games. Jeno was always confident, always tried to be in his best condition, and always followed the team's strategy. Almost everyone on the team was sure Jeno would be on the list of promising players to be the next captain.

On the other hand, Renjun was oppressed, with every kiss and touch Jeno gave him, he's getting more and more restless. Every time Jeno came to his room with his Can-I-borrow-your-bathroom excuse –and every time, Jeno knew Doyoung, being his very kind senior he was, absolutely would say 'go ahead'-, Renjun could only hold his breath. Because Jeno could always find an opportunity to sneak a kiss behind his friend's back or simply to squeeze his butt. _That pervert._ Renjun has to put his guard up when it's suddenly only him and Jeno in the room. One time Jeno pushed him into the bathroom with him, and another day, Jeno slipped his hand inside Renjun's pants when Seungmin was sleeping and the other guys were going out for a late night snack. –Renjun was furious and didn't go to watch his game the next day-

But Jeno came and apologised, and Renjun swore Jeno knew he could never get angry at the puppy eye's thing Jeno did. As much as Renjun detested Jeno's crazy behaviour, he understood Jeno was just being frustrated –and _horny_ \- because of the game. What people saw from Jeno was; a potentially good player who tried harder than anyone else on the court. But what Renjun saw was an insecure fifteen –Jeno insisted almost sixteen- years old boy who was scared of failure and disappointing others. Jeno thought about any match seriously. He has this dumb list of what he should achieved during a game. One: Score without fail. It didn't matter how many times he got the chance to hold the ball but once he held it, there should be no room for rebound even more an air ball. Two: Always win one-on-one. It shouldn't matter as long as they scored and won. But it mattered in Jeno's opinion. Winning was obligatory but to win in the way he wanted it was his goal. Renjun didn't know why Jeno put the pressure on himself like that, all he knew was it's his time to be the one who stood by Jeno's side. Yes, only him, and Jeno.

With many struggles and sleepless nights, Renjun and his science team finally advanced to the final. He was so damn tired and Seungmin never stopped complaining about the difficulty level of the questions. Of course it's getting higher, they're reaching the final.

"It's your final" Renjun hummed "Are you nervous?" Jeno continued.

"I don't know, my heart's thumping hard and all I think about is how to win this, rather than nervous, I think I'm excited"

"I know you can do it, and our school's team too, even though the regular program and sports program doesn't really go along well but we believe you guys will win this" Renjun laughed at Jeno's words. Those two programs were like the opposite of each other, but Renjun knew what Jeno meant. Even though he didn't like the arrogant sport program's kids –Jeno was one of them-, he believed they could win the game as much as they believed their team would come out as the final champion.

"You still have the semi-finals today, right?"

Jeno frowned "I want to watch your final, but our match is at the same time"

"I want to watch yours too" Renjun mumbled quietly, but Jeno could still hear it. He inched his fingers to touch Renjun's. "I'll do my best so you can watch the final"

"Let's do our best," Renjun smiled.

~~~

Seungmin hated the fact they _almost_ lost first place in biology. But Doyoung comforted him by saying that all and all, they were able to snatch first place in all subjects. They would definitely go to the national next year representing their region. All their hard work came to a beautiful end, Renjun himself didn't know how to feel about it. He wasn't obsessed with victory; all he knew was he tried doing his best. It wasn't the case for some people like Jeno and Seungmin it seemed. By the time he reached the gym, Renjun could only stand still, Jeno was lying on the floor. 

The game got suspended for a moment. Jeno stood up again with much difficulty. He could see Jeno trying to convince his teammates that he's all right when he was clearly trying to hold in the pain. He regained his calm composure back as he shot two foul points for his team. They won, and headed to the final. Jeno looked so damn happy.

Jeno's shirt was drenched in sweat when he met Renjun after the game but Renjun didn't care. He squeezed the boy tighter. Jeno smiled, he kept his promise to make the team to the final. It's both of them again, in the empty changing room. "I thought you hate unhygienic skin ship"

Renjun didn't say a word; he leaned his forehead against the crook of Jeno's neck.

"I thought you're hurt"

Jeno put his hands around Renjun's shoulder, patting him lightly to tell him, he's fine. "Sorry"

Renjun looked up, he's so close to Jeno. All he needed to do was to close the gap between them and kissed him. And that's what exactly Renjun did.

Jeno lifted Renjun's legs which he naturally wrapped around the other boy. Jeno felt really bad to do this in a changing room with the overwhelming smell of sweats. But Renjun didn't mind, he's not a sassy princess, he lived a worse life. Such things would never be a bother.

Jeno pushed Renjun's back on the wall. He couldn't help to feel his legs shaking, he just played a game for Christ's sake-Luckily it's only half of the game or else he's gonna collapse from supporting Renjun's weight-. Their lips were wet, Jeno chuckled and Renjun glared knowing what's on Jeno's mind for sure – _Where's the hygiene crazed Renjun go?- ._

Well, he didn't mind.

Both Renjun and Jeno knew, if they didn't stop, they might not be able to hold on their sanity, yet they kept going. Tongue tied in a crazy mess of lust and desire. For one stupid second, Jeno wished he could breathe through his back like a whale, because then they could kiss as long as they wanted to. He could feel Renjun slowing down the pace, almost out of breath. As much as Jeno hated it, he also needed air . He once said that maroon looked good on Renjun, but fuck, he never knew that it looked even better especially on Renjun's lips.

"We should probably stop" Renjun chuckled, dropping himself on the floor. His legs were shaky, but he still could stand. Jeno wanted to proceed, _of course he was_. He wanted to make a mess of Renjun. But if he rushed things, he was scared Renjun would hate him and it might seem to be ungrateful when Renjun could finally open up himself for him.

They still have a long way to go but Jeno could wait.

Even if that meant he has to bear the torture of a boner every time he's with Renjun, at least he knew he's healthy, right?

~~~

It felt like somewhere between a dream and a too damn right reality. But Renjun knew better not to get himself floating too high. _Boundaries_. Renjun grasped the reality every now and then, especially when Jeno's lips were not on his, and his wild touches were not on his burning skins.

"I'll see you after the game" with one last kiss, Jeno let go of Renjun's fingers. It's the final, finally. Jeno spent the night speaking on the phone, and Renjun could tell he's nervous as _fuck_ he started to talk about stupid things. But Renjun listened, until Jeno eventually fell asleep.

He looked at the time again, making sure he's not late to pick up Donghyuck at the main entrance. "Renjun!"

_Perfec-_

"..Siyeon?"

"Oh, Gosh. I'm glad I saw you. It hasn't started, right?" The hug sent the chill down to his spine. So cold.

"You changed your hairstyle? it's good on you" The smile was as cheerful as he remembered, but Renjun could only stare.

"Thanks . . are you coming alone?"

She straightened her skirt a bit and tugged the strand behind her ear, "My cousin drops me, How ...was Jeno?" The question was carefully spoken.

"He's . . good. He just headed to the changing room to prepare"

The girl chuckled "I'm really glad you're here to keep an eye for him" Renjun's throat went dry for a sudden while the pretty girl laughed at her own joke, "He seems to be really busy and never reply my messages, so it's kind of hard to contact him" she continued. Her soft voice was fading, her glowing eyes were clouded somehow. Sadness, pain, insecurity. Renjun could tell from the way she tried to hold her head high, she stayed strong, while the crack on her heart was pulling her smile down.

"Is that so?" Renjun tried his best to smile, "You can contact him through me, you know". 

_Don't, Renjun._

Siyeon laughed, maybe because of the idea of Renjun spoke something that she never thought of. "Right, I should get your contact information after this, we can be allies. Just in case Jeno is cheating behind me"

He should have just shut his damn mouth, the kisses that linger on his lips suddenly felt itchy and he wanted to wipe them away. "Hey, I'm just kidding, Jeno is not that kind of person, you don't need to be so shocked" The sweet laughter of her rang again, sweet, sweet Siyeon.

"Right, he is not that kind of person"

It was pathetic and sick. Irony. Yes, a painful irony. Like how he could politely offer a hand to help her walk among the crowds, when that same exact hand was passionately clutching on her boyfriend's nape when she's not around.

"Aren't you going to pick someone up?" They were sitting on the lower bleachers, Siyeon insisted on getting as close as possible to the field. "Ah, no. He said he'll be late for the game"

Fucking Donghyuck. Where's he when Renjun needs him the most?

The game was about to start. The opening act of the cheerleaders was performing; the players should be here soon.

_Beep._

He could feel his phone vibrated. "Is that from Jeno?" It was too late; his hand was not fast enough to turn the screen off. She craned her neck to look at his phone,

She laughed, rolling her eyes at the silly words flashed on the screen. "He's ridiculous"

His hand trembled as he put the phone back to his pocket.

He's lucky that he didn't scroll the message down to the bottom.

  
  
  


_I'll win this war for you, your grace_

_-Lord Commander-_

_._

_._

_._

_._

_Ps. I demand a kiss when I win later, remember that, Renjun Huang._

_~~~_

He couldn't really remember about the game, or the scores, his heart was pounding hard, adrenaline rushed through his entire body. They won. He won the game. Cheers and applause flood the air. And here he was, standing proudly to receive the title of "MVP".

"Can we take a picture?"

"Yes, sure" he didn't even know who these girls were. "Can I get a picture too, Mr. MVP?"

"Donghyuck!"

"Ehm. Congratulations, I'm so proud of you, my son" Here's the diva Donghyuck. Acting all mighty as the girls stepped away from the scene with giggles. "You came for me, thank you"

"Hold on right there, I came for Renjun though"

"Jerk. Then where's Renjun?" he looked around, searching for the boy. "I haven't met him, he got captured by your girlfriend apparently."

"Siyeon?

"Looking for me?" he turned his head fast, his beautiful girl smiling from ear to ear. Definitely prettier than any of the girls from before. She wore a plaid skirt with a milky white blouse, her raven curls perfectly tied in a loose ponytail. "You came"

Of course she would.

And there stood Renjun, laughing as Donghyuck jumped on him. Complaining about how lonely it was this past week and how boring the school was. Renjun laughed louder when Donghyuck told him something about how unfortunate he and his brother were when they ran out of gas on their way. "-that was amazing. I . . miss you, do you miss me?"

"Of-of course" He was staring at the scene too long that he didn't notice how Siyeon's eyes sparkled when she recalled the game, how cool he was, and how the crowds were cheering for him, for his amazing play. "I need to go back now"

"I'll wait for you outside okay?" He took one last glance at Renjun who didn't even spare a blink to look at his way. Somehow he wanted those shady orbs to meet his. Even if it's just a second, or a half second.

Mother and Father couldn't make it to the game, but he's glad Jaehyun and Rose came to celebrate it together. "All right, eat to all of your heart content, it's on me"

"I believe your brother was a saint in his previous life to deserve an angel like Rose Park" Donghyuck whispered.

"Yeah, many people said that" Jeno chuckled.

"You are very pretty" Siyeon chimed and Rose smiled back "Thank you, you're also very pretty. Jeno must be really happy to have a lovely girlfriend"

Jaehyun sneered at Jeno who sat across him. "He might be a little stubborn, I hope you can cope with that"

"No, he is very kind and considerate to me" She proudly answered. "Really? Great then. All of you are welcomed to our house anytime"

"Can I meet Mrs.Rose if I come?"

"Too bad, we are not married yet, Donghyuck. So she won't be there" Jaehyun replied "That's good then, I have my chance" Donghyuck's answer once again made the rest laugh. But Renjun wasn't laughing, he only smiled when they laughed, and he only talked when he's asked. Donghyuck, Rose and Jaemin were making a conversation while Jaehyun left the table to get a call. "Here, I cut it for you" Siyeon switched the plate of her own with Jeno's.

"Thank you"

Sometimes Donghyuck would involve Renjun into the conversation and Renjun would give a longer reply so that no one was suspicious if he's actually avoiding the conversation. Jeno knew Renjun was uncomfortable, but Renjun was too kind that he chose to smile and tried to keep the atmosphere up. "Jeno, why don't you open your mouth?"

Siyeon was holding a piece of tenderloin in front of his mouth, expecting the distracted Jeno to respond to her. "Sorry, I- never mind"

It went well, _amazing_ , according to Donghyuck. His brother and soon to be sister in law had safely returned to the hotel after insisting on dropping all of them with a mini cooper- which ideally could load four people. "It's okay, it's just a ten minutes walk. We walked here anyway"

Five of them were sitting on the park down the road, waiting for Siyeon's cousin to pick her up. Donghyuck, Jaemin and Renjun were considerate to leave him and Siyeon alone by the swing while three of them chatted near the slide. 

"Jeno"

"Yes?" he swung himself slowly. The cold night breeze was brushing against his face as he pushed himself harder. "Are you happy?"

"Of course, we won the game and-"

"I mean with me. Are you happy to be with me?"

He dragged his feet on the ground to slow it down. "Why...do ask something like that?"

She smiled.

"I don't know... I know we're both still young and immature, we've been together for more than two years, and in the beginning, this relationship might be just an impulse of curiosity for your side. But I love you, and as we grow up, somehow I realised that maybe I'm pushing myself too much on you"

It must be painful for her, because it was true, that he didn't have any feelings for her in the beginning. But Jeno tried, and he did, he fell in love with her, with her cheerful attitude, with her sweet smile, with her adorable little gestures, with her kindness and selfishness. She was his strength when things went bad. She was there to cheer him up when he got an injury from the training camp, she was there to erase the painful memories and doubts. She was there to cast away his insecurity about Renjun.

"And you know what? Seeing you play today makes me realise that you have your own desire when it comes to things you love.... But, you never initiate things _with me_."

Jeno could only listen in silence, letting the raven haired girl beside him staring at nothing with her desperate gazes.

"My friends tell me about how they had their first time with their boyfriends, how they always give them attention. I was jealous of them. I'm feeling insecure when you suddenly never reply to my messages, when I realised you started to change. Of course you're busy, it's just...I'm starting to get selfish. I want you for myself. I want you to be entirely mine. But I just can't feel you having the same desire. Do you even love me, Jeno?"

"Why do you say such a thing? You are a girl, more over we've known each other even before we're together, as you said, we're still young. I can't initiate any other things more than a kiss because I respect you, Siyeon. _"_

"I asked you if you love me. Do you love me, Jeno? _"_

Does he love her now? It was easy before to say 'love'. But not today, not right now. The word stuck on his throat, even with those bright glistening eyes staring at his, he could not say it out loud. Her messages suddenly left unreplied for the past days.

"Siyeon, I am-"

"Are you disgusted of doing it with me?"

"Siyeon! How could you say that!" He was angry at how low she looked at herself. He respected her, she was someone he treasured. Despite all this confusion, he wanted to protect her no matter what, he knew he had that affection towards her.

"Then let's do it, Jeno. I want to do it with you"

"I can't" It's gonna hurt even more if he didn't say it.

She bite her lips "Was it because of someone else?" those eyes , those beautiful sad eyes.

"Is she someone I know?" she grabbed his arm, clutching it as if her life depended on it. Her nails were digging deep, but he felt nothing. He didn't even have the gut to look back, to see her teary eyes.

"Siyeon, I am sorry"

.

.

.

"Siyeon! your pick up is here!" Donghyuck yelled.

She didn't cry, despite the droplets that were threatening to fall from the corner of her eyes. She held them well. "Apologise won't fix a broken heart, Jeno" she let go of her grip and stood up. "Maybe we need a time for ourselves"

She walked away from the scene, leaving Jeno alone in the dim. He should be chasing her to explain things, but he didn't. He couldn't lie to himself anymore. Siyeon was no longer his last piece of puzzle. And he couldn't lie to her anymore either.

~~~

Renjun still kept his silence even after they were back to the routine. Jeno tried to act as his usual self, but Renjun still kept his distance somehow. It's nearing the end of November. Winter would fall soon and the winter cup would start soon enough. He's going to be even busier to prepare himself. Renjun on the other hand has also started to work part time again in Johnny's studio. Even though Renjun once said that it's just a hobby with good money, lately he's been taking his job seriously. He accepted almost every offer and spent his free days working. Jeno believed Renjun was damaging his scalp and his future appearance by changing hair colour like every seven days. He loved Renjun in any colours- especially red-, but he dyed his hair black again this time, and much to his surprise, he looked so... _perfect._

"Have you seen Renjun's new picture? every girl in our class is talking about it". Jaemin surprisingly has a weird ability to bring a topic that has been bugging other's head without realising it. "Yeah"

"He's gotten serious about modelling lately, is he going to take it as his career choice? He's smart though, he should be scientist or something" Jeno didn't fucking know or has a chance to ask about it either. Why? Because their relationship has suddenly gone cold.

Sometimes he would look for the perfect timing to fix their slightly awkward situation, but his own lack of ability in mood reading was just one of the worst. Like that one time when he got a chance to reach the topic of the final, he unknowingly started to talk about the game instead of asking about Renjun's sudden change. And so, things became even more awkward after.

The same as Siyeon, who was treating him with cold silence. Not that he tried to contact her, but recently she stopped posting their pictures or responded to the question about their relationship in the comment section. And somehow Donghyuck also started to question him about this too. 

"Hey, how long have we known each other?"

Jeno raised his eyebrow, they were lying side by side on the rooftop, enjoying the last breeze of autumn. "Don't know, six years?"

Donghyuck rolled and flopped himself on the stomach. "Do you have any other best friend beside me?"

"Just tell me what do you mean by asking this" Jeno didn't break his eyes from the sky. "Did you guys break up?" and Donghyuck got his attention now.

"No... not really" he pulled himself upward. "Does she want time for both of you to think about your relationship?"

Jeno sighed, Donghyuck was too smart for his own good. "How could you tell?"

Donghyuck followed his best friend to sit, "Actually Siyeon has been asking me about you since you officially joined the club. She asked me about 'another person'." He seemed to carefully choose his words not to offend Jeno with not bringing up the word _'cheat_ '. Not because Donghyuck was a nice person-Jeno doubted that- but because if it ever happened, Donghyuck wanted Jeno to say it himself.

"Truthfully, I don't know anymore, Donghyuck. I'm doubting my feelings for her now. I don't think I'm good enough for her" Jeno wanted to spill everything to Donghyuck, about Renjun, about everything. But he realised the fact that he's been keeping this secret from his best friend was tugging his guilt. There was fear that Donghyuck might not accept it easily just like Felix. He didn't doubt –not a bit- that Donghyuck would surely keep his secret, it's just for some reasons, telling Donghyuck about this was hard.

"Bullshit"

Jeno was taken aback by Donghyuck sudden outburst. "You should not create your own excuse just because you have another person to give your heart for. You may love two people at the same time, but you cannot love them equally. I say it as someone who know how much she loves you, and how much you treasure her"

"But I am too scared to put an end to this, I hate to hurt her more than this"

"Don't you realise it? You are doing it right now. She's in pain now, she is suffering. Your silence will only make it worse. I'm not gonna ask you to be a saint and sacrifice yourself, but if you have any affection left for her, then give her mercy, make it clear so that she won't only wonder..."

"I hope you understand what you're going to let go, Jeno. And about this other person..." Jeno didn't dare to look Donghyuck in the eyes.

  
  


"...no, never mind" Donghyuck looked away.

  
  
  



	10. Ease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been lyin' to them all  
> I don't need it anymore  
> Don't you worry about me  
> I'll be fine if I can breathe  
> I've been hidin' for too long  
> Taking shit for how I'm wrong  
> How I'm wrong  
> Always wrong
> 
> -Ease , Troye Sivan

Day after day passed with practices that Jeno forgot how many days it has been since the last time he even spoke properly to Renjun. The midterm exam started next Monday for five days and the principal didn't allow any club activities during the exam – and sadly the prelims for winter cup started a week after the exam ended and they have to make up for the missing practice time before next Monday. It's later that day when Jeno decided to find Renjun. It's just hard to explain how these days felt so empty and  _ bland  _ . He saw Renjun few times of course, in the cafeteria, in the club building, or in the library –Jeno knew Renjun liked to sit near the window, so it's easy for him to see the pale boy from the basketball court. Renjun still replied to his texts,  _ occasionally.  _ And for sure Jeno didn't know if it's okay to give Renjun calls because he seemed to be busy, but today, he just has to meet him, Jeno has to hear Renjun's voice.

It was easy to find Renjun after school ended, he was either in the club room or in the laboratory. He's gonna be there as soon as the bell rang. And he was right, Renjun was drying the glasses, his delicate hands carefully wiped them dry. The wristband of his autumn uniform was slightly wet because he didn't roll them up before washing the equipment, but it didn't bother him at all. Renjun looked so beautiful when he's focused doing something like this. Maybe what the girls in his class said about boys looked best when he's serious was not wrong after all. Because right now, he's falling in love again with Renjun.

"Jeno?"

"He-Hey!" he scratched his nape awkwardly. "You're not practicing?"

"I'll go after this...are you going to stay late?" he stopped his tracks a few steps away from Renjun but close enough to clearly see the tiny gold stripes under Renjun's name on the lab coat.

"I'm meeting my sister at five, I'll go as soon as I'm done" his busy hands were back to wiping the glasses. Jeno wanted to monopolise Renjun so they could be together a little longer, but looking at the selfless Renjun who always offered himself to do the cleaning duty made him ashamed. Renjun always put others before himself.

"Then you should hurry, let me help you to put these up" the clock showed fifteen minutes to five, and Renjun still needed to put the equipments back. "It's okay, you should head to practice instead, the winter cup is coming right?" The smile unknowingly crept up his face, it has always been the Renjun he knew, who always afraid to make others through the hustle for him.

"It's just a team evaluation for today, we're on break until the exam ends" He lined up the Erlenmeyer on the top shelves of the cabinet and the electronic scales on the metal one next to it, he remembered to make sure the scales were off. "Are you still gonna do club activity during the exam?"

Renjun stopped for a while before he spoke "No, we're on a break too, but we have a club outing for two days after the exam." He was planning to celebrate the end of the exam with Renjun, but since he already had plans for that day, there's nothing Jeno could do about it.

"Then, the last day before winter break, spend it with me," it sounded like a date, and it excited Jeno himself to say. It should be fine because he wouldn't disturb Renjun's study. "I... don't know if I can make it that day,"

Right, he might already have plans for that day too, it's the last day of school after all. 

"Oh, sorry...I mean, we can still- Argh!"

"Jeno!" his hand was burning in pain and it's itchy, if peeling his skin could reduce the heat, he would do it. Renjun rushed to see the spilled glass on the table. "Oh my God, your hand! Don't scratch it!" Renjun pulled him towards the sink, he rolled Jeno's sleeve enough not to wet it. He flinched when the cold water rinsed away the heat, even though he could still feel a bit of the pain and itch. His three fingers were red, some darker red spots appeared on the back of his right hand. "Who puts the hydrochloric acid carelessly like that!" his eyes were still scanning Jeno's hand to see if the wound got worse.

"You got some on your palm too" this time he tried to calm down and flipped the hand to rinse the palm. He jerked again as the water hit his skin. "Is it painful? Do you feel numb or anything else?"

"It's burning. I can feel the pain, but I guess I'm fine?" Renjun sighed, "Why are you sighing? Am I going to die?" Jeno pulled his hands off the tap. "No, if you rinse it off properly" he shoved his hand back under the water. "Keep doing it for fifteen minutes, I'll see if the doctor still here"

"No! don't leave me, please stay here" he stubbornly grabbed Renjun's wrist with his left hand "But you need further treatment, the irritation is quite wide"

"Please...I don't want you to leave" Renjun sighed again. He reached his phone and dialled Donghyuck's contact number.

"Are you still helping photography club?"

_ "'I'm about to finish, you're not finished yet? do you need me to help?' _

"No, I'm good, Can you go to the clinic and help me check if our doctor have left?"

_ "Huh? Are you hurt somewhere? are you okay?" _

"I'm fine, I'll tell you later, but can you hurry before he heads home?"

_ "Okay. I'll call you back" _

He let go of Renjun's wrist. He's glad Renjun stayed, he's really glad Renjun didn't leave him alone. Even though Renjun himself looked pretty upset because of him, Renjun still carefully helped him to wash the hand. The pain was still there, but Renjun's soft touches lessened it up. His beautiful slender fingers gently flipped his wounded hand to make sure it's well rinsed. His eyes never left the red skins, diligently looking for any worse wound even if it's just a spot. It felt like just yesterday when he treated Renjun's wound in his bedroom, and now Renjun was doing the same to him.  _ Has it been three years already?  _ Jeno wondered in disbelief.

Many things happened, but Renjun was still there. Jeno was grateful that he failed miserably to forget Renjun for the second time, that he remembered the skinny boy in the Maroon jacket below his window. Their lives just crazily entangled with each other. Even when he tried to run away, ignored, and suppressed his feelings, it wouldn't change the fact that Renjun was there, filling the empty spot. And he wished, Renjun would forever stay. It's okay if life got cruel on them, as long as Renjun stayed. _I want you to stay with me, Renjun ._ _Forever._

Renjun suddenly looked up, both eyes staring in surprised. Maybe Jeno said the last part out loud.  _ How embarrassing _ . He cursed.

"The irritated area is indeed wide, but it seems the wound is only on the outer layer, so you'll be fine" Maybe years of basketball finally did him good for once that his palm's skin thickened. Doctor Moon was wrapping the bandage loosely around his hand.

"Can I still play for the winter cup?"

"Ouch! Doctor Moon!" he tightened up at the question "You sport rascal. Just focus on your recovery" he loosened it up again. "Why are you so cruel? I am a patient"

He rolled his eyes "You sport program kids always come injured yet never listen to what I told you. How do you even get chemical burn? Lucky for you Renjun did a great job at rinsing the chemical off" Jeno grinned.

"Now go home and keep the wound clean, drink some of this to lessen the pain, and do not play basketball until it heals, you hear me, kid? Go to hospital if it's getting worse too" He nodded "And avoid using it to masturbate"

"Wha-?! I won't do that!"

Renjun and Donghyuck laughed at Mr. Moon's joke. "That annoying doctor" Jeno grumbled as soon as the doctor left. "He's funny though" Renjun giggled.

"He's heartless, can't you see how he treats me because I'm a sport program? I don't even wound myself because of doing sport"

"He must be really fed up with you guys sport maniacs" Renjun laughed harder at Donghyuck's remark and Jeno could only smile. "I'm going back to return these first, okay" Donghyuck picked the camera bag that had been lying on the floor "I'll take your motorcycle, wait in front of the gate after your meeting" Jeno gratefully nodded as he handed the key to Donghyuck.

They were back to the lab to grab Jeno's belongings. "Thank you, Renjun " Renjun smiled back. "I'm doing what I can do, that's not a big deal"

"and ... sorry"

Renjun didn't blame him, it's an accident that they could not avoid. "It's okay, I will take care of the rest, you just go-"

"I mean for what I have done all this time, for not considering your feelings and for being selfish" Renjun didn't think it's Jeno's fault either, really. Whatever was happening between them was not something they could avoid as well. Or maybe they could, but they both chose not to. "I don't know why you felt distant after those things  _ we've done _ back then. I was thinking that I was forcing myself to you"

It's not about Jeno, Renjun swore. Nothing was wrong with him, or what they've done. As much as Renjun hated to admit it, he enjoyed it, everything about what they've done. And it's much more about it.

He didn't mean to avoid Jeno. He's tired of running away. But Renjun remembered that night, when Siyeon's shoulders slightly trembled as she said her farewell. Renjun really wanted to be an ass-hole and not blaming himself about it, he really tried.

It's fine at first, but the next five minutes, his chest hurt so much he couldn't feel the air. So he came to a conclusion, he's the one to blame. He's not fine with the way they're right now – he thought he was- but no, he's not. Renjun hated himself for being greedy. Till he thought that maybe they should just put some distance and play it as just  _ friends  _ so he wouldn't get too greedy for Jeno.

"I don't think we should continue this. The thing we've been doing till now" his voice was soft and calm, but the words spoken burned Jeno's ears painfully. It's just ridiculous. Just when Jeno thought they could settle things out and be together, Renjun decided to stay away. He was the one to encourage him yet now he wanted to back off.

"Are you regretting it?"

Renjun perfectly knew he's not and that's why he's scared. The greed was slowly taking over him and he really didn't know if it's a part of  _ love _ . One thing for sure, Renjun wanted to draw the line before his fantasy got too real.

"No . . . but –" His heart jingled in a rapid beat as Jeno suddenly wrapped his arms around him. "I was so scared you will push me away, I'm glad you said no" Renjun could not tell Jeno about this, about his insecurity, not when Jeno was smiling like this, not when again, this greed was commanding him to wrap his arms around Jeno as well. Renjun could not bear to ask if what they're feeling for each other was love, he's too scared if the answer was what he feared the most.

~~

The coach was furious when he saw him coming late with bandaged hand, but captain saved his ass this time. "Make sure you recovered before the game, okay?" Jeno nodded "Thank you, for saving me, Senior Jongin"

He smiled and waved him goodbye. It's somehow sad when he thought that maybe it's the last game he would be playing with his captain. He's been scouted in national team and would be playing in bigger league. Jeno both respected and envied him a lot, he wondered if he could follow his captain's path and played in the same team again as a national representation one day- of course he has to push his limit since he knew he's not even half as talented as Jongin- but he would keep trying for sure.

He used to like studying, but after he got into junior high and started to seriously take sport as his career choice, all he thought about was basketball. This exam was not a big problem, he just needed to pass it without any embarrassing marks, unless surprisingly his homeroom teacher, Mr. Nakamoto summoned him to his office to inform that he got an invitation for All-star junior training in January. He was happy of course, meeting talented players all over the country and trained together for two weeks was a too damn good dream, but that meant he's not only have to pass without embarrassing marks, but to actually pass with good marks. Or else, he has to say the training goodbye.

Good thing, Donghyuck was now even smarter than he used to be-his brain and mouth was surely a contradictory- and always agreed to tutor him as long as he got free food. Except, this time that didn't apply. Donghyuck has been very busy lately, which was very odd, because Jeno knew well Donghyuck didn't have any other thing to do on weekend or weekdays, there's no way he's busy studying for the upcoming exam because Donghyuck never studied for the exam. He simply said that he has a date which was a total bullshit, Jeno could tell. "Donghyuck is not coming here?"

Jaehyun was ready for his two days trip with his office mates, his small luggage was sitting on the door side. "No, he apparently went somewhere and abandoned me." Jaehyun laughed. "You deserve that." Sure, his brother enjoyed his misery more than he should be. "I have to go now, see you in two days, and good luck with the exam"

The apartment would be quiet for another two days. It's usually Donghyuck who came and accompanied him, making the place less quiet. He knew Donghyuck never seriously involved in a relationship. He just enjoyed the company of a girl, it was mostly just a date and if Donghyuck liked the person, he spent the night. Commitment seemed to be a taboo topic for him. To be honest Jeno didn't like this side of Donghyuck who never took anything serious, even with love. Well, it's not his place to talk about love and commitment at the moment- especially when he was cheating on Siyeon.

Speaking of Siyeon, it reminded him that they have not been in contact with each other since then. It's already bad to drag things this long without putting an end, especially Siyeon, she would be hurt even more. But the exam was coming and Jeno didn't think it's a good idea to meet Siyeon and spoke about this thing up. So he decided, after the exam ended, the first thing to do was to meet Siyeon. It's really weird how he could remember those missing details about Siyeon now that he realised he's no longer in love with her.  _ Maybe, he's never really in love with her. _

Jeno pushed away the thought.

Rose texted him around midday, asking if he had his lunch. He ended up taking the bus to a restaurant near her office to have lunch together- he couldn't use motorcycle for a while now,  _ damn- _ , spending time with Rose always killed his time. "He was so mean when we're kids, he thought I was a threat to his existence"

"Well, you have a big age gap with him, he used to be the only one. So that's natural for him to feel threatened, my brother was like that too. But Jaehyun once told me that actually he's happy to have you around when he was a kid"

The steak was so delicious, well, good thing she's paying because the price was definitely not within his range.

"Yeah, but at least your brother never enjoys your misery"

She laughed "Oh, come on, he's just lonely, you're growing up and he can no longer bothering you till you cry like he used to"

Jaehyun was one lucky jerk to have someone like Rose, someone who understood him and accepted him entirely. They're just compatible with each other that no one ever saw them argue-  _ wait _ . 

"How come you and Jaehyun never argue with each other?"

"Of course we argue, we fight and even break up a few times, we hurt each other and run away, a perfect relationship doesn't exist, Jeno" Well, that's definitely a shock. They even broke up, she said. Jaehyun has been always good at hiding his emotions- Jeno thought it ran in their family, everyone except him- that's why none of his family members suspected anything. Just like Renjun, someone that Jeno could never tell what's going on inside his mind.

"Are you having a fight with Siyeon?" Rose was just as sharp as Jaehyun when it came to reading clueless poor humans like him too apparently. "No, more like . . . I screwed up" That's the truth though.

Rose's eyes softened, telling him that it's okay if he didn't want to talk about it. But maybe it's okay if it's her.

"I'm in love with someone else. I cheated" he spat the words fast like a curse to himself. "-and I didn't regret it at all, I am an ass-hole" Rose could tell how Jeno struggled with his inner self, the urge of hating himself for hurting Siyeon. She remembered Jaehyun told him, that Jeno was a complete opposite of him, He's easy to read yet still so stubborn to admit. It's easy to tell when he's upset, sad, confused, angry, or simply disappointed. But he always bottled them up, he's scared that his negative emotion would hurt others and so, he never excessively showed them. And Rose sympathised with him. 

"You still care for Siyeon, you still have that affection. It's just not as strong as it used to. If you're sure whom your heart belongs to now, it doesn't make you an ass-hole to admit it"

But it wasn't that simple. Telling Siyeon that he could no longer be her boyfriend was the easiest part (even though it would take half of Jeno's life to see her pained expression), the hardest part would be responding to her questions. Siyeon wasn't stupid. It's somehow scary how women could be really observant and  _ on point.  _ She's good at reading people and it didn't take a genius to read Jeno. Siyeon knew all this time; she's just pushing her rationality away because she trusted him. She asked who, and that question would get to him again sooner or later. Again, it's easy to read Jeno. Siyeon would know about Renjun someday.

Rose's hands were warm and slender. Like his mother's, but much skinnier. 

"Jeno, I don't want you to take my question the wrong way, is it by any chance, have something to do with Renjun?" her words were softly piercing.

_ Rose knew. _

His throat was fucking dry and the coldness suddenly spread through his entire body. Rose knew he's not  _ normal. _

It should be easy to deny it, he could just pretend to be clueless, or maybe acting dead (if that could convince her). "Wh-what do you mean?"

Fuck, he's stuttering.

She squeezed Jeno's hands carefully "The way you look at Renjun is different"

Jeno wanted to pull away from the grip, but Rose's hand tightened "I don't mean to accuse you nor force you to tell me, it's just..." she eventually let go.

"I'm just scared that what I suspected is true"

Jeno's heart shattered.

  
  


"Why? because it's wrong?"

~~~

"Here's my favourite model of all time" Renjun chuckled as Johnny put his camera down and hugged him. "Thanks for coming, Renjun. I know it's really sudden and I even took your supposed to be your crucial time before exam"

"It's okay. I don't have anything to do, anyway." It's Saturday, and he was planning to spend the day walking around the town before the exam occupy his time. Johnny miraculously called him just last night with a plea for him to be his pinch model. He even asked his sister's permission beforehand. And so, here he was, getting his make-up done for the photo-shoot.

"Do you have any girlfriend?"

"No, never have one" The photo-shoot's crews were different than Johnny's usual staffs, the beautiful make-up artist named Seulgi explained that this was a big project for a famous jewellery brand. "Then, boyfriend?" Renjun almost opened his eyes –which also almost made Seulgi to dab the eye shadow on his eyeball instead.

"Ehm, no, I never dated anyone"

"Not really interested for now" Seulgi laughed at the extra explanation. "Good for you"

"Are you against homosexuals that much?" The question burst out his lips in reflex, almost too fast that it sounded like a sarcasm. The lady put one last touch at his make-up. "Not at all, I've seen things in this industry, young man. And homosexual was the last thing I need to concern about. What is gender when it comes to love, anyway?" Luckily she didn't take it that way.

"Then why do you seem.... concerned?"

"Well, you're young, talented, smart and still have countless possibilities of having a good future. There's no guarantee of the same sex relationship. You may address your feeling as love and such, but will it last forever? Moreover, for you youngsters, it might be just a puberty thing, right? there's no future for homosexuals in our normal society"

_ There's no future for man who loved another man _ . Renjun laughed, because it perfectly made sense. Jeno might just be curious, just like he afraid it to be.

"Why do we have to think about the future if we can enjoy the present?" Renjun looked up. A sturdy frame towering over him and Seulgi, dark curls fell over his golden irises. "Says the reckless man" Seulgi rolled her eyes and pushed the tall man aside, leaving them alone in the silence of the room.

"So, you're my partner today. Johnny recommended you personally, so I'm curious" Renjun nodded, the man was incredibly handsome, chiselled jaw line, full lips stretched into a crescent smile with a dimple showing deeply. 

"I'm Lucas, Renjun right?"

Renjun accepted the handshake. Eyes still on Lucas who took the chair beside him. "Yes, please take care of me"

The man laughed, his wide ears perked up and Renjun found it really weird. "Why are you so formal? Let's have fun together."

And it turned out the photo-shoot was indeed really fun. Lucas was definitely a mood booster and much to Renjun's surprise, was a mature person. He tried his best not to make him nervous. He would occasionally tell jokes so Renjun would look natural on camera.

"How was the photo session?" Seungwan was finally home after a three days working outside the town. Their dinner today was only a bowl of pumpkin soup because Renjun was too tired and his sister was as usual too lazy to take her turn to cook.

"It's going well, they're nice"

"Are you enjoying it? Being a model?" Renjun put his spoon down. "I don't know, I'm still doing it because it's easy and the money is good, probably the only thing I can do with my body"

Seungwan's eyes softened, she knew she's not a good sister, she never has been. She's never there for Renjun when he has to deal with cruel reality a mere nine years old boy should never encounter. So when Renjun agreed to live with her, she had promised to herself that she would try to be a good one. "If it's about money, you don't have to do it anymore. I have finally achieved a spot in the agency. You should focus on your study instead"

Renjun appreciated everything his sister did for him until now. Even though he didn't really know her well at first, she's still the only family he has left. She's working her ass off to pay their expenses of living in a big city, she tried to provide him  _ a family _ . But Renjun didn't want to be a burden, that's why he's still working. She had insisted that he had to finish high school and go to college. He still remembered how happy she was when he told her about the acceptance letter from SM High School. She's honestly happy for him and Renjun knew he had to keep working because she would surely work harder for him to get into a good college one day.

"I just want to earn some pocket money, it's not a big deal. I am still studying hard to get a scholarship for my college, so you don't have to worry about my institution fee anymore"

"I know you will, it's just . . I don't think it's good for you to keep working as a model, even if it's just for a few coins"

"Why?" Seungwan blinked for a moment at the question

"Because you're a good boy and I've seen things- what this path can do to change you" she smiled weakly. Renjun didn't say anything again after that, he finished his meal quietly and excused himself to his room afterwards. If only his sister knew he's not as good as she thought, he bitterly laughed.

He had imagined possibilities if his sister ever found out about his preference over boys, or maybe over Jeno –Renjun was still not sure about that-. He thought about them every time he realised that  _ maybe _ this relationship could actually work out somehow. Or  _ maybe _ about the possibilities of him telling her about it first. He knew it would be awkward since they never really shared any personal matters to each other.

He was actually thinking about it too, to stop being part time model, he didn't enjoy attention people gave him after knowing he's doing advertisements for various brands –even though most of the attentions were because Renjun was actually too fucking beautiful they couldn't help to notice- he just didn't really like it.

_ Shit _ , it's not the right time to think about it, he has exam this Monday and he's going to lose his rank if he slacked off like this.


	11. Lost Boy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So go get running, won't you hurry  
> While it's light out, while It's early  
> Before I start to miss, any part of this  
> And change my mind whatever
> 
> \- Lost Boy , Troye Sivan

It was Late Summer, Donghyuck remembered it clearly, when the teacher brought in a boy to introduce himself in front of the class.

"My Name is  _ Jeno Lee _ , this is my first time coming to the town, so please take care of me from now on"

To be honest, Jeno's first impression wasn't that good, he looked like a typical rich and arrogant city boy with the pull up hairstyle. And it turned out the others also had the same impression since everyone seemed hesitant to make friends with the transfer student, Donghyuck liked to observe his surroundings despite his carefree personality and he could easily notice how the new boy was also hesitant to make an initiative. He didn't like to meddle with other's business, really, he would never do that, but he just couldn't help to get involved because the new boy happened to be his new seatmate.

"So you come from the city?"

"Yeah, I'm Jeno, you are?" Jeno was the first one to offer a handshake, so Donghyuck thought he wasn't so bad after all. "Donghyuck, Lee"

It was really weird, because their personality just clicked like that. Donghyuck being a carefree blunt boy that most people couldn't handle and Jeno being his usual kind and surprisingly easy going boy everybody adored. It was suddenly  _ Donghyuck and Jeno  _ from class A, like inseparable twins who always caused troubles and having fun together. Jeno didn't have that many close friends in here, so did him, Jeno told him he once met someone around his neighbourhood, Renjun, Donghyuck remembered. At first it was kind of made him curious since Jeno almost asked every new friend he had about this Renjun kid. But as they grew up, that name never came out of Jeno's lips again, so Donghyuck thought:  _ Renjun actually wasn't that special _ .

Two years, and finally they got into middle school. It was still  _ Donghyuck and Jeno.  _ Still weird, but they eventually got used to it. If there were Donghyuck, there would be Jeno too. Even when Donghyuck finally realised that both of them started to grow into a different path, they're still friends, no, they're best friends. Jeno was always good in sports, he joined the basketball club and even track field. Donghyuck himself, was never the sporty type, he liked football though, sometimes he would join others to play after school if he felt like it –to put it bluntly, not manly at all-. He preferred to lay around the house with a magazine or remote TV after school or even went shopping with his mother rather than playing outdoors like normal boys his age would do. When everybody would cover flaws with lies, Donghyuck never afraid to show them instead, he was not ashamed to be his four-dimensional self who liked cute things and liked to make jokes and sarcastic remarks. If people didn't like him then let them be. He's just never been the usual type anyway.

_ Never. _

As they grew up, the only one thing that always got on Donghyuck's nerves about Jeno was how stubborn he could be. Sure, he was smart- Donghyuck was even smarter actually, remember when Jeno got second place? The first one was Donghyuck, always Donghyuck- but he could be really dumb sometimes. Donghyuck remembered, when Jeno almost got them into a fight with high school kids. Bullying has always been a part of teenager's problems, but he considered it as something both parties' faults and problems;  _ the bullies and the bullied _ . But Jeno didn't think the same.

_ "I will do the same if that's you, and if that's me, i also wish someone will do the same" _

If Jeno had the same thought and if that beaten up boy was him, would he really want Jeno to help him?

Yeah, probably he would beg for someone to save him.

It sounded stupid, he couldn't even believe that he suggested it him self-, Donghyuck offered to be a bait. It was stupid, really stupid, because somehow Donghyuck realised he could actually run faster than he thought when the bullies started to chase after him. He should consider joining a sports club. His legs would be sore for sure after this though.

But something, a warm feeling inside his chest started to spread through his veins and he ran faster, away from the crowds, away from everyone. He never knew, doing something that could risk his life would be this fun. Jeno had taught him one thing that day;  _ It's always worth it to risk your life to save someone else's. _

Donghyuck finally saw Jeno in a different light, a best friend he would always cherish in his whole life. They shared many things in common-surprisingly-, Jeno was always there beside him, and Donghyuck also promised to do the same, accepting each other's flaws like brothers and going through many things together; be it good thing or bad thing-such as watching porn- no, scratch that.

So when he fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the school, it just never crossed his mind to be any different from his unusual-self. One thing he never noticed, not everybody could accept his unusual-self just like Jeno did. Not until it was suddenly  _ Jeno and Siyeon, _

The girl he fell in love with, his first love.

He never noticed it either that Jeno was growing into a very attractive boy, he grew taller from anybody else around their age and he was suddenly third in the class.

Jeno was just perfect in any ways Donghyuck would never be.  _ Ever _ . Donghyuck understood, and so he acted like his usual goofy self, pretending to be Jeno's flirtatious best friend who has a crush on the most beautiful girl in the school.

There was jealousy, but what was for? It wouldn't change the fact that Siyeon liked Jeno.

It was actually a joke, when he asked Jeno's feeling of Siyeon, but he answered "I don't think I have that kind of feeling" Hope was definitely a dangerous thing, Donghyuck learned it in a harsh way.

Jeno didn't have any feelings for the pretty girl, he still had a chance even though he knew Siyeon was still not giving up on Jeno.

Or so he thought.

"Donghyuck, do you know about R.H.?"

He was happy, really happy when suddenly Siyeon asked for his number. But it turned out he got his hopes high for nothing. It's still about Jeno. Donghyuck swallowed his pride. "Why? Are you jealous?"

Siyeon's flustered voice from another line was so cute, Donghyuck swore he was almost faint. But nothing he could do, He had to refrain himself from showing his feelings for Siyeon.

_ R.H. _

Donghyuck knew instantly it was  _ that Renjun _ he was once so eager to ask around. He was waiting for an explanation about it, but if Jeno didn't want to tell him first, then he won't ask. It would only be fair if Jeno had his own secret because Donghyuck had his too. A secret that actually, he really was falling in love with Siyeon.

Words could never describe the feeling he felt that day, when all the feelings he had for Siyeon jumped out of the window. Siyeon told him that she loved Jeno and was going to confess. Of course, Donghyuck knew, but hearing it from her beautiful lips was just so damn painful. Donghyuck cursed Jeno, he wanted to hate and abandon Jeno on his important match, and stopped this best friend game. But he still came, he sat quietly on the first floor bleacher. He smiled bitterly, Jeno was still his best friend, they had promised to be best friends no matter what happened. And Donghyuck was still Donghyuck; when Jeno got injured, he couldn't feel his heart beating. Too much guilt because of the thought of hating Jeno, the thought of wishing Jeno to lose his game and disappoint everybody. But Jeno was trying hard, his best friend, the stubborn Jeno who was dumbly smiling with the blood running from his head. If Jeno died before he could even apologise, Donghyuck swore he would pull Jeno out of his grave.

He's glad Jeno was okay and he didn't have to pull Jeno out of his grave to tell he's sorry. Another thing Jeno taught him;  _ don't give up trying _ . Jeno once again became a protagonist in his tragic tale, Donghyuck didn't realise that he was crying over his best friend.

He was going to punch that handsome face of his best friend as an apology, but what he saw was a punch to himself.

  
  


Jeno and Siyeon were kissing.

  
  


He thought he was okay, because he could calmly leave the scene. But as he got into one of the cubicles of the bathroom, he rested his forehead on his drawn-up knees and didn't move for a long time. It wasn't like any other feelings he felt before. He was good at reading people, good at manipulating them to his own advantages too. Classifying his own emotions on the other hand was harder. It wasn't anger, it wasn't sadness, it wasn't desperation, it wasn't any other negative emotions he could think of.

He learnt a few things in that time.  _ One: you didn't just fall out of love with someone even if they went out of their way to hurt you. Two: the amount of tears a well-cared-for human body could leak was probably close to infinite. Three: it was never, ever going to be safe for him to fall in love with anyone.* _

_ Was it always this painful to love someone? _

Donghyuck would title himself a bad actor, but he knew he's good at lying. And that's exactly what he did to cover his bleeding wound. He started to date with different girls every week. Jeno was still being a kind best friend who worried about his sudden change, but Donghyuck always managed to cover it up with lies and excuses.

Their times were lessening since Jeno was officially dating Siyeon now. Donghyuck was somehow glad that he didn't have to be involved with their romance at least.

He eventually got used to the fact that his best friend was dating his first love.

He was tired of trying to hate himself and he didn't want to risk the friendship between him and Jeno.

Half a year was definitely not a short amount of time, but Donghyuck tried his best to be a fool.

Until it's finally High School. He was so damn sure to create a new heart fluttering love story.

"Where's that damn Jeno?"

He was looking around the hallway but Jeno was nowhere to be found, he decided to search his own class. It was expected that everybody would look at him as if he was entering the wrong class; as if he didn't belong there –well, his rebellious appearance didn't resemble an intellect at all, he knew that much -, but Donghyuck didn't give a shit. As long as he kept his grades up, the teachers wouldn't touch him. He stepped into the room with much confidence. 

"Hey! I'm Donghyuck, Let's get along" the other students just nodded.

_ Tsk, no fun. _

Too bad he and Jeno couldn't get into the same program since Jeno was determined to be an athlete and he, just basically has his brain.  _ It would be really boring. _

Until he came in and everybody went quiet. All of them were looking at the entrance where a small auburn head entered the class. He was taken aback at the reaction as he just bowed politely to his new classmates.

_ Such a weird guy. _

He was looking around to find a seat, and as their eyes met he was probably feeling relieved that he found someone who was even weirder looking than his auburn. "Can I sit here?"

Donghyuck blinked. "Sure! I'm Donghyuck by the way and you?"

The boy took a seat, "Renjun, Huang"

Donghyuck wasn't stupid, as soon as Renjun said he also came from the same town as him, Donghyuck immediately remembered. "Woah, my house is around your school! I can't believe we never cross paths, but suddenly we're seatmates. destiny huh?"

Renjun was quite surprised at the statement; he might think Donghyuck knew him. But Donghyuck still played it dumb. Renjun was pretty much quiet after that, but he tried to answer Donghyuck's irrelevant questions nicely.

He was getting more suspicious as suddenly Jeno texted him. And so, he tried to make a bait. "Come with me, Renjun. I'll introduce you to my bastard best friend, Jeno" Renjun's face turned pale, much paler than his real complexion for a second but he smiled. Donghyuck didn't miss the sight of that expression.

"Yo, meet my new best friend,  _ Renjun Huang _ "

Beyond Donghyuck's expectation, Renjun maintained a calm composure, he played along with Donghyuck's game.

"Just Renjun, please. Jeno, right?"

On the other hand, Jeno was as white as a sheet, as if he saw a ghost, as if Renjun was his ghost.

"Nice to meet you"

Renjun smiled again, "Yeah, nice to meet you too" Jeno finally replied.

Donghyuck wasn't dumb to see Jeno's immediate change of expression, that  _ Renjun Huang _ was Jeno's Renjun.

Jeno still hasn't said a thing about Renjun. And Renjun also acted like they were really strangers that just met. Donghyuck was getting tired of the secret game, but he respected his best friend, if Jeno didn't want to tell him yet, Donghyuck could wait and play along.


	12. Touch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Standing in the eye of the storm  
> My eyes start to roll  
> To the curl of your lips  
> In the center of eclipse  
> In total darkness I, I reach out and touch
> 
> \- Touch , Troye Sivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading it btw, and please watch Renjun's Fools cover on Youtube, let's give him 10 M views for his birthday~

His head was spinning and his feet were killing him but he still dragged his body out of the bed knowing it's already past mid-day and he has not eaten anything since the steak he had with Rose yesterday. He ended up lurking around the town and got back almost 11 pm, he couldn't sleep so he decided to do some problems from his textbooks until he decided that he's not in the right mind to solve those equations. It was stupid of him that he grabbed his basketball and headed to the court downstairs, he didn't want to risk his right hand so he used his left but then got irritated since his play was sloppy and he couldn't get the basket done most of the times. Jeno knew it wasn't about his skill, even though he's right handed, he's pretty much still good with his left. He knew it was his mind that's completely in a mess. He felt bad for leaving Rose all of sudden, and he bet she's feeling worse after he left like that and didn't pick any of her calls and just left her messages unread. Rose didn't do anything wrong, and to be honest, she didn't deserve this cold treatment.

One thing he's grateful, she didn't tell Jaehyun about it. Because if she did, Jaehyun would have been bombarding him with calls right now.  _ She's keeping it as her own secret, she's indeed a kind woman. _

The fridge was empty. Right, Jaehyun told him to go grocery shopping because mother was coming tomorrow afternoon –while he's at school and Jaehyun was on his way home- and she's going to freak out if she found out her two sons were wasting the money to buy junk food instead to make themselves nutritious proper meals.

He looked down at his feet, his fingers were swollen from playing basketball in slippers, no wonder they hurt. He's going to be so dead if his coach knew about it. He recalled putting the emulsion gel in his locker after the last practice.

_ "Shit" _

He jolted when his phone rang. He carefully walked back to his room. " _ Yo asshole! Where are you _ ?" fucking Donghyuck Lee.

"Home, what now?"

_ "Nothing, just want to ask which one do you want, a wristband or headband?" _

"A wristband, I guess. Why? Where are you?" he slumped back on his bed. 

" _ Me? German _ "

"German?! How the hell did you get there? are you nuts? tomorrow is the first day of exam"

This fella. Unbelievable. " _ Relax, I'm taking the plane this evening. I'll just go straight to school from the airport." _

"That's not the problem you know that" Jeno could imagine Donghyuck rolled his eyes at his words. " _ Oh, come on, I'm just taking a breath before exam _ "

_ " _ Yeah, but in  _ German" _

_ "If you're still nagging at me, I will give the wristband to my cousin instead" _ Jeno was a simple person

"All right, I'll stop"

See? Easy. " _By the way, Rose asked me to check on you because she can't get through you since yesterday,_ _is everything okay?"_

"Yeah, I just slept in after studying and playing on the court downstairs, fuck, my feet are swollen." Donghyuck shrieked in horror " _ Dude, did you injure yourself?" _

"What? no. it's just swollen, but I need to buy groceries and it hurts when I walk"

And Donghyuck fucking Lee laughed. Out loud. Over the phone. "Thank you for laughing on my behalf, what a great best friend you are"

Donghyuck laughed harder for some moment and then stopped when Jeno just about to shut the phone down. " _ You have no sense of humour" _ Jeno didn't understand which part of his suffering was worth laughing at.

" _Just sit prettily and I'll send Jaemin over, okay?"_

So apparently Jaemin knew about the trip faster than him, and Jeno was sure that Donghyuck threatened him that he wouldn't buy Jaemin anything if he refused to help Jeno. Nice, Donghyuck. Very nice.

It's about two hours later Jaemin finally arrived and abused his doorbell, with two bags full of groceries and a  _ Renjun _ , who immediately darted his eyes at his swollen feet and back to his face, his expression totally screamed - _ What the hell have you done _ -.

And Jeno knew he was dead. He shifted his gaze on anything but Renjun. Because the pretty boy was glaring every time their eyes met.

"All right, I'll get going then, Renjun will keep you company" Jaemin turned his heel. _ What? No, Wait! _

"No- Aren't you supposed to stay? Donghyuck asked you right?" Being alone with angry Renjun was the last situation he wanted to be in right now. "Sorry, but I'm not gonna babysit you, He just told me to get you the groceries. Besides, I have something to do after this. So long, my friend.  _ Hasta la vista _ " and Jaemin mercilessly slammed the door closed.

Renjun was still standing near the fridge and Jeno had to shift from his seat.

"Err . . tea?" he stood up abruptly from the awkwardness, causing him to wince because of the numbness. And Renjun heaved a deep sigh.

"Just sit" He rolled up his sleeves and started grabbing ingredients from the paper bag. It's just plainly awkward to sit there doing nothing, so Jeno turned on the TV. The Walking Dead was playing but he didn't feel like watching Rick killing the walkers. His eyes caught glances every now and then at the back view of a skinny boy, chopping God knew what in his kitchen.

His raven hair was getting longer, almost reaching the joint of his nape and neck.

He heard sizzles, bubbling water and the sound of chopping boards. And then fifteen minutes later, Renjun joined him in front of TV with a tray full of fried rice, sweet and sour chicken pops, salad, and sausages stir fry. "You haven't eaten anything right?" Renjun shoved the spoon at Jeno. 

"You're not eating with me?"

"I'm not hungry"

Renjun looked scary and it just made him feeling guiltier for being dumb. "Sorry, I won't do it again" and now Renjun looked guilty. There has to be something that bothered Jeno that he did something as reckless as hurting his feet when the game was just few weeks away. Renjun was not dumb, Renjun knew it was something that involved him from the expression Jeno made when he saw him coming. And that's what exactly Renjun was mad at. Himself.

"Just don't do it again, okay? I don't like seeing you wounded" was all Renjun decided to say. Jeno was on cloud nine, Renjun was worried about him. He's happy, so damn happy. Renjun eventually stayed until five. He helped with the dishes and even with his swollen feet.

"Can you stay for the night?"

"Don't be silly, I haven't studied for tomorrow" Jeno didn't want Renjun to leave, but he hasn't studied either. He wanted to take Renjun home but Renjun's glaring were too terrifying he had to comply and only accompanied him till the door. "I'll get going then"

"Renjun" He grabbed Renjun's hand just before he pulled the knob. Rose's words suddenly flashed his mind.

_ "Because it won't work and I don't want you to get hurt" _

"Can I-can I hug you?" he bitterly pressed a smile on his face.

Renjun looked down for a few seconds, he was hesitating and Jeno now thought that it's just a bad idea. He should've had a bit more self-control, he has promised not to be selfish and considered Renjun's feelings, but it's just too much. The temptation to hold Renjun's hands, to embrace his body, to kiss his lips, were too much.

_ He should've just shut up. _

"Mm" but Renjun nodded. Jeno reached out, gently pulling Renjun's nape and buried his face on the crook of the shorter boy's neck. He missed this scent. This warmth. He pulled closer, pressing his other hand with Renjun's. Intertwining every finger with each other.  _ Fuck.  _ He missed it badly. He missed their moment together.

He wanted to grow up faster, to be an adult, made his own decision and proved that what Rose said was wrong, he would be fine, they would be fine. It would work out, Jeno would make sure it would.

~~~

Donghyuck really did come to his class after the bell. He's grinning wide and that creeped Jeno out. "A hug for a best friend?" he spread his arms.

"Ew"

Donghyuck took the seat beside Jeno. "All right, that's fine" He shoved a velvet box to his desk. 

"I'm not ready for a commitment" Donghyuck rolled his eyes. "Commitment your ass, that's your souvenir" Jeno grinned.

The wristband was black, there's a blue mini rabbit Hitler complete with the uniform and the moustache on the lower side. "Where's Jaemin?"

"He's here just now, toilet maybe? Is this even legal?" Jeno put on the wristband. "What? the bunny? The only illegal thing is your lack of gratitude for the help I sent you yesterday" He crossed his arms, expecting Jeno to feel guilty about it. "You mean Jaemin? He was barely there for two minutes! Good thing Renjun came"

"Well, Jaemin asked Renjun so basically you still owe me" Donghyuck insisted. "Fine, what do you want?" Jeno frowned as Donghyuck grinned wider. And it turned out to be the most ridiculous thing Donghyuck had ever asked Jeno to do.

"I can't do this," Jeno sighed through the phone. But Donghyuck insisted that he really needed Jeno's help and he's the only person Donghyuck could trust – which was another bullshit Donghyuck always made up-. And he mercilessly shut the phone before Jeno could grunt another complaint.

For some reason Jeno has never been more aware of his large, awkward size as he was now. He was standing in front of a cafe,  _ 'Rainbow Hearts' _ (Jeno cringed so hard), the same name Donghyuck wrote on the paper he's holding. Jeno thought it's just an ordinary cafe and eventually said yes at the request of his said best friend to buy a box of  _ love-love macarons deluxe set _ (That's it-Jeno gave up) that only available on Monday, not before he realised that the cafe was filled with girls (moreover it's after school) . The shopkeeper was staring at him expectantly, ready to open the door anytime he decided to go in. And it became more awkward because some people started to stare at him for standing too long in front of the door. He should've just turned his heels and left, but he suddenly found himself swimming in the sea of femininity, earning himself a spot in the line. He looked down, holding the urge to look around and found the expressions of the girls that were staring at him. Jeno was the candy for the young girls' eyes. His body was lean and firm, even under the layers of the autumn uniform, his muscles seemed visible to them. His facial features were good looking-ly sharp and refined masculinity, and that made the girls wondered why would a boy like Jeno be here.

"Next customer please" The girl in the ponytail stared at Jeno for a moment, stunned, before clearing her throat and asked for his order. "Two boxes of-" Jeno trailed his words of embarrassment. Then he decided to just show the paper to the young girl. "This, please"

The girl turned to grab the box from the counter behind her and put it on a purple plastic bag with cat prints on it. Jeno didn't really hear when the cashier told him the price he needed to pay, he just handed the card his brother gave him last Saturday and signed the receipt, not bothering to count the coined Donghyuck gave him that would cause him to stand longer in the shop.

He dashed out after muttering thank you to the shopkeeper. He swore Donghyuck gonna get the rage this time. Until he saw the familiar face he's been avoiding for the past few weeks sitting near the McD's windows across the cafe. She's beautiful as he could remember. Her waist length hair was tied into a ponytail. She looked... _ well.  _ That's good. Jeno said to himself despite knowing the reality behind her facade. She's always been a cheerful kind of girl. And yes, he's the ass-hole who hurt her. Jeno gripped the boxes tighter and turned away. He promised, he'll fix it.

~~~

"Here's my handsome boy" Jaehyun laughed while Jeno was being squashed by his excited mother. "Mom, stop, I can't breathe"

"Now I'm sad, two of my boys are hating my hugs" she playfully faked a frown. "That thing you did just now is called choking, Mom" Jeno rolled his eyes. Jaehyun glanced at the fridge and Jeno gave him a thumb up. "So, what do you want to eat?" Jaehyun sighed in relief when he saw his mother open the fridge that was already full of stuff. "Mom, you need rest, you just arrived" Jaehyun pulled his mother away from the kitchen. "That's nonsense, I'm fine, I want to feed my boys"

"Brother's right. We're not yet hungry and look what I bring" Jeno lifted the macaron box Donghyuck gave him.  _ That's your payment.  _ He apparently said, of course Jeno gave some beatings to the ass-hole before accepting the box. "What in the world happened to your hand?" she shrieked. 

_ Oh,Shit. _

Mother stayed for five days already _,_ insisting to stay that long to take care of his wounded son. Jeno could tell she enjoyed this way too much, Jaehyun said she just missed babying her kid. It was fun the first two days, but then he wished that her mother's vacation will soon be over because she just never stopped meddling in his personal life with the questions. And he knew she had eventually arranged to spend her weekend with Rose.

Jeno made up some bullshit about having a study night out at Donghyuck's place just to avoid being dragged along. He could not face Rose now, not after she  _ knew.  _ There's fear that maybe Rose would tell his mother, but then she texted that same time he made the excuse to his mother,

**From Rose**

_ I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable, _

_ I won't say anything about this anymore _

_ I hope we can still be friends like before _

He trusted Rose, strangely. She's not that kind of person. And what she texted him was purely based on her guilt (which was actually not her fault) and desire to fix their relationship.

_ Fuck.  _ He's hating himself more.

"Your head's smoking" Donghyuck stated, glancing sarcastically between his reads on the newest volume of  _ Shounen Jump _ Jeno brought. "I'm just...thinking"

"Sure, so anything you don't understand from looking at the cover?" Jeno coughed at Donghyuck's question. Bullseye. He flipped his book quickly and opened a random page. This was so embarrassing. "Say, Donghyuck . . aren't you disgusted with me?"

Donghyuck didn't budge from his seat. "What? for what you did to Siyeon?" It's still kind of surprising when Donghyuck emphasised it like that even though that's the same content he's asking.

"Yeah"

Donghyuck flipped to the next page, eyes never leaving the manga. "I believe one cannot judge others decision"

"But still, I betrayed her and did this to her when all she's been doing is giving her whole heart to me" He shifted and leaned his back to Donghyuck's bedside. "If hearing me say 'I'm _ disgusted of you' _ makes you feel better, then there you go, I'm disgusted of you, cheater"

Jeno chuckled. Of course Donghyuck would answer it that way, but Jeno knew there's no malice in the sentence.

Donghyuck closed the manga and put it on his lap "She will forgive you" Jeno knew

And that's what made him feel worse. "I hope she won't though"

Of course, Donghyuck personally wanted Jeno and Siyeon's relationship to be fine after this. After all, there's no way for him to keep loving Siyeon like this. And it did help when he pretended like he never has anything for the pretty girl. It just felt weird when he thought about the awkward relationship between him and Siyeon just because Jeno was her (soon enough ex-) boyfriend. And about the  _ other _ person . . No, he wouldn't ask.

"So, you haven't told me why you you're inviting yourself over my place" Jeno grinned again, "You see, my mom is taking me out with my brother and Rose, and I don't feel like coming along since they're going to talk and most definitely going to ask about you know, personal life"

Donghyuck could relate, Jeno hated talking about personal life. He didn't even know why he's so secretive when his act was practically an open book. "Like sex?" Jeno almost knocked his head on Donghyuck's headboard.

"The hell-?"

"Do you think your brother and Rose had sex?" The question innocently (read: indecently) slipped out Donghyuck's lips like nothing. "Can you stop talking so vulgar like this? This is . . inappropriate" Donghyuck raised his eyebrow "Why do you act so offensive when I talk about sex? We're sixteen and already know what healthy teenagers our age need to know"

That's . . true. None of the talk was wrong. Well, it's not like Jeno despised this kind of talk, it's one of the compulsory topics when boys hang out together and being in a club full of boys, the talk they have was 40% games and 60%girls so it's just an unavoidable topic. But the way Donghyuck shamelessly brought out the topic was embarrassing (he wondered why he's the one feeling embarrassed when he's not even the one saying it).

"Unless...." Donghyuck dragged the words, eyes staring suspiciously at the beet red faced Jeno. 

"What?"

"I know you never had sex, but you never tell me anything about your  _ fantasies  _ either" what?  _ How is he supposed to tell Donghyuck about how he jerks off? Is he out of his mind? Why would he tell that to Donghyuck anyway? _

"Not everyone is as immoral as you!" Jeno had enough of this embarrassment. 

"So, is it because you're ...infertile?" 

What the-

"I do things too okay, I am perfectly healthy! So, stop! Just stop" Donghyuck laughed at Jeno's face "Okay, I get it, healthy boy" Donghyuck wiped his tears. God, this was hilarious.

"So, you fantasize about things, but never really try to find out if . . . I don't know. ." He shrugged his shoulders and leaned back to the wall " . . maybe you can't get it hard during intercourse?" Donghyuck continued.

This was nonsense, Jeno thought "For your information, I'm more than normal in that aspect, so thank you for your concern" it was too late to pull back the words he's spilled.  _ Shit,  _ Jeno cursed. He carefully glanced at Donghyuck who smirked at him like a  _ satan-ous _ person he was and then sneered harder "Heeeh....so you've done some experiments"

Jeno flapped around like looking for a hole to bury himself. "Tha- That's none of your business"

Donghyuck snorted, rolling his eyes and threw his hands in the air in defeat "Fine, don't tell me" Jeno bit his lips. Donghyuck has always been a manipulative ass-hole but he's a great best friend, and he knew perfectly that he's good at this _best friend_ game because Jeno looked baffled right now. He straightened his back and awkwardly cleared his throat "Well, we . . French kissed" Donghyuck grinned in his mind but he's still sarcastically looking at his flustered poor best friend 

"Oh, come on, Jaemin even did that for a dare with that Canadian boy"

Jeno took a deep breath and held it for five seconds before speaking up "And I may have caused a  _ mess  _ in the lower region of the later person" He breathed it out.

Donghyuck fucking swore he wanted to laugh, but he still wanted to play this game a little bit longer. "So, you fingered her?" Jeno gulped, he couldn't say that it's not like what Donghyuck imagined "Ehm, yeah, sort of"

He tapped his finger on his chin and  _ the thinking Donghyuck _ was never a good Donghyuck. Just like the next question he asked.

"Did she jerk you off in return?" This was not good at all. He couldn't just say that he backed off the moment Renjun looked down at his boner that time. He appreciated Renjun's concern, really, but that was the first time Renjun had ever done that kind of thing and Jeno didn't want to push things on if Renjun was not yet ready. He could wait, really.

Or actually, the truth was, that time, from the moment his finger touched Renjun's skin, he vaguely had control over himself. And he fucking swore that he saw rainbow mist oozing from Renjun's pores. The colours that made Renjun more beautiful than he already was, that made him want to devour all of Renjun's existences altogether. It wasn't as sensual as the scene he watched in some movies, and definitely wasn't as romantic as some stories either. It was fast and sloppy, but he enjoyed Renjun's existence, their existence, as something different. He touched Renjun and learned bit by bit, things about the mysterious Renjun. And for him, Renjun himself was a definition of sensual and romantic. That's why he didn't let Renjun touch him. Because he's hard and on the edge of insanity. And if that time he let Renjun touch him, he would come right away. That would be very _.... humiliating_ , for someone who claimed to be more experienced between the two.

"I'm sorry to interrupt your...thought, healthy boy, but you got a boner" Jeno snapped from his thought and looked down.  _ Holy shi _ -

He took the book and covered himself up. Donghyuck banged his head laughing on the floor and Jeno had to awkwardly run to the bathroom.

~~~

Jeno didn't text and call often during the exam. But he would wait for Renjun after-school just to have lunch together before heading home. They didn't have time to eat outside because Jeno's mother picked him an hour after the exam ended.  _ I told my mom I finished at two so we have time together.  _ It's heart-warming and Renjun was grateful Jeno arranged time for them to meet and chatted even though it's just an hour. But today Jeno said that he couldn't meet him because his mother was going back tomorrow morning and he needed to buy something for her with his brother today. That explained why he's walking alone today. He didn't really have anything to do back at the apartment. He could study for tomorrow's last subject, but it's chemistry and not to brag, he's good at it. Donghyuck and some guys from his class and class next door had planned on spending the day to celebrate the last day of exam tomorrow. Renjun was invited and still considering it since Seungmin and Shotaro would come too. Maybe he would come, just to shut Donghyuck up.

He stopped by a supermarket, since tomorrow he might not be able to prepare himself for Wednesday's club outing, so he decided to buy the necessity today. He had prepared a list on his phone. They'll have club meetings on Wednesday's night and outdoor activities and barbecue on Thursday before going home on Friday morning. They rented a small inn up the mountain, four hours by car, almost as far as from here to his hometown. Since science club was pretty popular (among the science major), the club president, Doyoung wanted to make the event not less extravagant than last year and definitely than Arts club's event (He didn't know what happened between him and the president of the arts club's president, they seemed to have an unspoken rivalry). That's why they needed to bring their own stuff because the president said the stuff was much more expensive in a tourist destination (and because mostly their budget went to rent the inn). Doyoung seemed to take a lot of liking for him after the competition that he appointed Renjun to be his unofficial representation of the first year members. Which caused this long list of groceries he needed to buy. Luckily he didn't need to buy the meat or the fish since the inn would provide them. He looked down to his cart and double checked the list, that's almost everything. He only needed butter.

"Renjun?" She was as beautiful as the last time Renjun saw her. "Uhm, Hello" Renjun bowed.

"So, they made you buy all those things alone?" Rose sipped her iced lemon tea. They're sitting in the cafe near the supermarket. He was about to decline the offer when she said that she needed to speak with him about something. "Ah, I was supposed to buy them tomorrow with other members, but everybody seems to have things to do tomorrow, so I thought..." Rose smiled. Renjun could feel his heart skipped, not that kind of skip where you fell in love, more like an admiration towards the beauty. "You are very kind"

Renjun lowered his head "Not really, I was just happened to be free and I also have something to do tomorrow"

"You said you want to talk about something" Renjun tried to avert the topic. The lady leaned back, sighing. 

"I messed up my relationship with Jeno"

Renjun kind of expected the topic. Jeno avoided the topic of Rose and everything related to her, even his brother, for this past week. He had suspected them of having some kind of argument, Donghyuck asked about it to him last Monday when he gave a bunny pattern scarf from his visit to German too.  _ Did Jeno tell you anything about Rose yesterday? _ Renjun recalled the question.

"I kind of pushed my opinion on him and said something that made him avoid me" She looked out the window. "I know I should not say something so selfish like that without considering his feeling"

Renjun didn't really know what to respond to because the story itself was full of puzzles, but that's Rose and Jeno's business. "He's probably feeling worse for avoiding you rather than feeling mad. He takes criticism and other's opinions well, but sometimes when it's against his belief, he can be pretty stubborn. If he is mad at you, he would've punched you that same moment" Rose chuckled. 

"He adores you," Renjun continued.

Rose's eyes lit up then grew dim back softly. "Jeno is lucky to have someone that knows him better than himself"

Her words and smile were warm and soothing, or maybe it's the temperature today. Renjun fanned himself mentally, hoping his face would not be that burning red. They talked for thirty more minutes, she ordered herself another drink while Renjun barely finished his own. She insisted on taking Renjun home especially because of the groceries even though he said that he already had the budget for taxi prepared. She said it's fine since she has another hour, so Renjun hopped on her car. He offered for a tea but she had to reject it because she needed to drop by somewhere else.

"Thank you for today, and I hope we can hang out again sometimes" Renjun smiled and replied that it would be his pleasure. Seungwan's shoes were on the front when he opened the door. She had a two-night trip yesterday and just got back. She must have got herself drunk because her clothes were on the floor from the doorway to her room. He peeked in to see her curls on the bed, face pressed onto the pillow. The agency must have dealt with a new project if they drank till they passed out like that. It's just when he's about to change his clothes his phone beeped. It's Yangyang. They've been contacting each other pretty often. Yangyang got himself a pretty girlfriend named Karina, they met at the church. And Renjun liked to hear their story. Sometimes Yangyang would ask Renjun about his, and he had to turn Yangyang down by saying  _ 'The only relationship I have is with science'. _ This time he texted to tell Renjun that he might be home for Christmas. It's just two weeks away and Yangyang couldn't wait to meet Renjun.

Winter break started next week and then Renjun remembered, Jeno had asked for a day before his winter competition started that same week. He wanted to spend it with Jeno too, really, really, want to. But he needed to set his mind right before taking any decision of what kind of relationship he wanted to progress with Jeno. Jeno has made himself clear of the way he wished they could be, and Renjun knew he couldn't be the one dragging this on an on, he needed to decide if his feelings will stay un-conveyed or take the risk, like what Jeno did. There were so many unspoken things between them, and one of them was the fact that Jeno never said those three words. He made himself clear that he wanted Renjun, but Renjun himself was never too sure if Jeno wanted him the way he wanted Jeno. And he couldn't be the one saying those three words, Renjun didn't want to think about the possibility his confession would be left hanging, unanswered. Those three words might push Jeno away. He could not yet convince himself, if what Jeno has for him was not a temporary thing.


	13. Gasoline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You deserve forever,  
> Not a boy looking for better  
> But as long as you're still here,  
> I'mma try to keep you near
> 
> \- Gasoline, Troye Sivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love noren. Like a lot.

Jaehyun woke up just in time Jeno left for his morning run. The exam has finally ended and winter break was just three days away. It's Saturday and he would be spending the day practising for the prelims that would start in five days. The wind was getting colder and he already struggled just to get off his bed and started his routine. He couldn't slack off anymore now that this was the last time he would play with his captain. His feet and right hand were healed, thanks to his mother, and was completely ready for the game. His mind wandered back to the unread messages and calls he sent for Siyeon these past three days. He's thinking of showing up in front of her house or school, but he didn't want to make her uncomfortable. He didn't contact Renjun either because he might be busy because of his club outing. But he couldn't help to miss a mere sight of Renjun. He focused himself back to the routine, to drag his legs further till his chest burned.

He found the apartment empty, a piece  _ post-it _ on the fridge informed him that Jaehyun needed to go earlier and didn't have time to make breakfast. Jeno didn't mind, he could grab something on his way to school. It's seven twenty when he finally reached the bus station, waiting along with other students, mostly from the science program. He didn't speak much to his teammates that day during the break, but none of them bothered to ask, they simply thought that maybe Jeno was tired. It was later when the clock struck five and he finished the evening practice, his teammates saw him initiate conversation with the coach about his healed wound. Jeno was likeable, talented but down to earth, and everybody on the team pretty much envied him in a good way. But everybody could also notice how Jeno was easily influenced by his mood, how the boy sometimes looked like he's about to burst anytime and maybe that's why they didn't poke Jeno with personal matters. Except for the captain of course, who sometimes joked around Jeno freely as to tease him about Siyeon. And it poked Jeno's wound deeper because he could only fake a smile to respond to it. 

"Stay healthy. We need all of the members ready for the game" It's seven thirty by the time he stepped out the shower to find that he's the last person there. He heard someone bid goodbye five minutes ago, probably one of the first years. Jaehyun would be home late and he's thinking of taking out Chinese food tonight. And that's when he didn't see the girl standing there, looking straight at him. It took him one deep breath to realise that she's the very same girl he had been trying to meet. She's beautiful, as always, as she has always been.

"Siyeon.."

The girl smiled softly, her round eyes creased into crescents. "I decided that I want to meet you" the words were gently spoken but his chest tightened. "Let's get something to eat," she chirped.

It felt like his lips were sealed with silence and he words died down in his throat. It's kind of funny when he's the one that insisted on meeting her and yet he has not spoken any words except to mutter a low 'yes'. They were walking side by side among the crowd of Saturday night. She's still wearing her uniform, hair tied into a low ponytail. "I'm glad you're still there" she spoke as they shifted to avoid a group of kids passing by. "You always stay late to practice alone"

"Chinese food for the hungry player?" she pointed at the shop across the road. She remembered that he liked to eat meat buns and dumplings after practice. Back then there's a Chinese restaurant near their junior high, and it became a habit that Jeno never realized. Jeno let her choose the seat, near the window, and she ordered two trays of dumpling and meat buns, also red bean buns for herself.

"You like this seat" she tapped her fingers on the table. Jeno stiffened, unsure of what to say. He indeed liked the seat next to the window, not because he liked looking outside, it's because he liked to feel the cold surface of the glass window. He liked to press his calloused palm on the glass as he waited for the food. She once thought the habit was weird, but quickly found it as one of the things that made a  _ Jeno Lee _ different and special. 

"How is the preparation going?" Jeno knew the question really well, every time the game was near, she always asked the question because she liked it when Jeno excitedly told her about his practice, about the meeting, about his workout routine, or simply how tiring it was. But Siyeon knew Jeno enjoyed his basketball despite all the whines. "It's going well; everyone is doing their best."

Siyeon's frown was almost visible but she held her smile tight. "Isn't it tiring?" Jeno looked up again "Yes, but I can't slack off since they entrust me as a starting player this time"

There was silence for a moment as the food arrived.

  
  


_ How are you?  _

"How was the exam?"

  
  


She sighed playfully "I’m barely hanging" then she laughed.

  
  


_ Are you doing well?  _

"I see"

  
  


He knew he needed to eat and the foods were right in front of him, his favourite dumplings and meat buns. He knew they were supposed to be appetising enough for him to devour them within five minutes. But it's just not right. His stomach was growling with a different feeling. Disgust and fear were threatening to flow out his throat every time the urge to speak any words came. 

"Siye-"

"The food will be cold"

Her nails scraped deeply on her palm. Knowing that her words were spoken way too loud, far too forced that she had intended. "They won't be as tasty if cold" she repeated softer this time.

He brought one of the meat buns to his mouth and bit.  _ It's warm.  _ Then looked up to glance at the pretty face. He noticed that she got a bit skinnier from the last time they met.  _ Was it a month ago?.  _ Her pink lips were paler than he remembered.  _ Or was it almost two months? _

She didn't apply mascara and eyeliner today. He could see a faint smudge of mascara at the edge of her right eye, barely noticeable under the dim light of the night (she was never a fan of make-up but she liked to emphasize her round charming eyes). Somehow Jeno noticed the difference now. He never thought of it at all because he saw her almost every day and she looked beautiful even with her bare face. Today, he could see it. How her lashes fluttered when she blinked, how her eyes looked much brighter without the black line framing them.

Siyeon didn't cry. She rarely cried, even for herself. When she's sad, she chose to be silent, biting her lips hard to hold any flowing emotions that would cause her tears to spill.  _ Did she cry before coming here? Is that why she wiped the make up? _

"Do you want to watch a street performance after this?" Jeno stopped his chopsticks as Siyeon spoke up.  _ What do you want, Siyeon?  _ . He looked into her eyes, searching any hints of what the girl was actually thinking. But then she laughed "Ah, you must be tired right?"

"It's okay" He eventually answered "We can watch one or two songs" And Jeno could see the sparkles in her eyes this time. Dim, but still shining brighter.

She insisted on paying, saying that he would be paying next time. Jeno froze, she wanted ‘a next time’. A part of himself told him to stop following the girl, walking among the crowd, to just say what he should have said a long time ago. Then the guilt, the sparkles in her eyes, the memories, were holding him tight to the ground.  _ She deserves a small chance. _ And so he kept following her steps. 

_ At least this one last time. _

"Jeno? Let's watch the acapella group over there" she beamed. They stood close as Jeno could smell her bubbly scent. Sweet but light. Girls indeed smelt nice. She enjoyed the song, and the next song, and the next one. He didn't pay any attention to the crowds, not even to the songs he's supposed to be listening to. His eyes wandered to Siyeon's face, and then to the ground. He should be reaching for her hand right now, intertwining their fingers so they could keep staying close to each other. But his hands were burning, thinking that they weren't worth her touch. He didn't deserve Siyeon and her forgiveness.

"You don't seem to enjoy it," she chuckled. "Ah . . sorry . ."he muttered quietly. "Let's go home" She turned around, ready to leave the crowds. And Jeno found himself following her again, this time, away from the crowds. She stopped, and he realised they walked to an empty bus stop. She occupied the furthest seat, tapping her fingers softly on her lap. 

"Why don't you sit?"

He stood still. "Your bus might take a while," she reasoned.

"I..."

He saw her fists crumpled the hem of her skirt tightly. Expecting the next words that he's about to say. He couldn't do this, but he has to. He could no longer drag her around with his selfishness. And he would take the consequences, she could hate him all she wanted, she could punch him, slap him, curse him. Even though he perfectly knew that the delicate girl would never do that. "Siyeon, I'm-"

"Give me a week!" she shouted out.

"From tomorrow to the day before Christmas, please let me stay beside you"

She wanted a chance. She wanted to keep hoping. That fact just shattered Jeno's feelings for her. She never begged anything to Jeno. And now, she begged for a time to remember their moment together.

"Please" she gripped her skirt tighter.

Jeno wavered under her strong gazes. Desperate glassy eyes that were staring right into his, but she didn't cry.

~~~

" _ I can't wait to meet you _ " was the last sentence Yangyang said before he hung up. They had promised to meet next Sunday, Yangyang actually wanted to meet him on Christmas but he needed to visit his families around the town. Renjun didn't mind at all, this Christmas was just like any other Christmas, him and Seungwan, just the two of them. That's why they didn't prepare much despite the hustle bustle other people got into a week before Christmas. They didn't decorate the house or set up a Christmas tree, the feast was simple since Seungwan didn't eat much because of her diet and it would be a waste to cook too much food. They went to church and got back to watch anything on the TV or did anything to simply pass the time. There's nothing special for Renjun. Today Seungwan was away again for work, after she earned herself a spot as Johnny's personal assistant, she's away more often. But she's still working as a model too occasionally. So he was left with an empty apartment every now and then.

He's not particularly hungry, but he had not eaten this morning. He just went to school to help tidy up the stuff from their outing that scattered around the club room and got back around three after dropping the tent they borrowed from ranger scout's club for laundry. The fridge was almost empty, Seungwan just went before refilling it. It's way too late for him to go grocery shopping, so he grabbed the last pack of bacon and fried them with noodles. Five minutes to ten, he finished doing the dish and ready to take a bath when the doorbell rang. It couldn't be Seungwan, she has the key. It couldn't be Mrs. Lee next door coming this late. Somehow he concluded a specific someone to stand on his door. But guessing it right didn't mean that he's not surprised to see Jeno to be actually there.

"Can I come in?" he sheepishly smiled.

Renjun moved aside to make room for Jeno to come inside. Jeno smelt like soap and little bit of outside smoke. His gym bag slung dangerously on the edge of his shoulder and he dropped it by the couch.

He snapped his neck around at the host. He immediately got back to his sense "Sorry for coming so sudden, I know it's late"

"It's fine, my sister is not at home" Jeno felt relieved that he didn't need to make excuses to Renjun's sister for coming this late. He was thinking of some, which definitely wouldn't make any sense (he couldn't think of any reasonable excuse but he already knocked on the door), so it's a relief. "Does something happen?"

_ Yes, Siyeon wants me to give her time but I can't since I have decided to choose you. Yet I froze and nodded. _

He couldn't tell Renjun. He hurt enough people and could not bear to hurt Renjun again. So many things he didn't understand what or why were happening at once.  _ Fuck. He _ didn't even understand why he came here when he should have avoided Renjun for the meantime and settled his problem with Siyeon.

"I miss you" It's not completely a lie. Jeno missed him. Badly. But it's still partially a lie.

Renjun's cheeks flushed into a shade of crimson and somehow Jeno felt worse for hiding the real reason. Yet he stepped forward reaching for Renjun's frame and held the body closer, so close their heartbeats interlaced. He clutched Renjun deep into the embrace.

"It's not even a week," Renjun mumbled through his shirt. 

"Five days and seven hours, I saw you walked out on Monday" Jeno corrected him and Renjun froze. His insides stirred around at the thought of Jeno counting every second they've been apart. "Even though that doesn't really count since you didn't see me" Renjun could feel Jeno frowning on his shoulder so he wrapped his hands a little tighter around Jeno's back, then he felt a smile.

"Do you want to stay the night?" Renjun has that ability to toss Jeno's sanity away in a blink with his earnest. "I mean yo- you look tired and- all and I mean-" he broke out the embrace, pushing Jeno away almost too sudden, realising that his earnest offer could cause a misunderstanding as an ambiguous invitation. And Jeno laughed, causing Renjun's face to burn even more than he already was.

"If that's not a bother then I'll accept". Renjun joined his laugh with a small chuckle then proceeded to make two cups of warm milk as the night grew colder.

Jeno was on the phone informing his sudden sleepover to his brother by the time Renjun placed the cups on the table. He set his bed for Jeno to sleep on and pulled out a new blanket from the cupboard, he's just about to move his blanket to his sister's room when Jeno stopped him. 

"Where are you going?"

"You can use my room, I'll use my sister's"

Jeno frowned "Can't we share the bed? I want to sleep with you" then realised how false his sentence sounded. "I swear I won't do anything!" He thought about the request, carefully sorting out the bad thoughts and convinced himself that nothing would happen before he dragged himself back towards his room.

"Okay"

But the bad thoughts kept crawling back to his mind. He fidgeted on his seat then decided to tidy up his already neat room, moving things around and putting them back in place. He paced back and forth to keep himself busy as Jeno cleaned himself in the bathroom. 

"As if something gonna happen" he mumbled to himself.

The door creaked and Renjun almost broke his neck at the sound. Jeno changed his shirt, his hair was damp and flat out. "I took another bath" he smiled. 

Jeno didn't want to make Renjun uncomfortable even though he already took one after practice, for a moment, there's a sudden fear that Siyeon's scent lingered on him even though that's likely impossible. Renjun sat on the bed as Jeno took the chair and started drying his hair with the towel, his eyes wandered around the room – from Renjun's books on top of the desk to the hats hanging on the wall. Renjun felt himself like an awkward bride on a wedding night – not that he expected anything- Jeno had said he wouldn't do anything. It's just his heart couldn't calm down at the sight of Jeno in his room. The fact that Jeno looked so cool under the yellow light of his room didn't help the urge of replaying their moments to disappear. His mind walked down the memory lane inside his head, back from the day he jumped into the yard to the moment Jeno knocked on his door just now. Until Jeno's eyes finally landed on him, brows raised. 

"Are you okay?" Renjun looked away.

"Yes" but Jeno didn't believe him. He put his towel on the desk and walked closer to Renjun. He took the space beside him and reached for Renjun's chin, forcing those eyes to look directly into his. 

"No, you're not. Something is bothering you"

Something? It's almost everything; everything about this mess was bothering him. Their puzzles didn't fit together and it's driving Renjun crazy. Every desire of speaking up the truth was suffocating, consuming his rationality with each breath he tried to take. Maybe this was the time to start something, to finally breathe freely.

  
  


"What are we?"

  
  


He knew the question would eventually reach his ears someday. He expected Renjun to ask this and he totally understood that the question was a proof of how insecure Renjun was about them.

  
  


"I . . . don't know" that's the truth.

  
  


He didn't know how to address their relationship, he didn't know how to label it, how to call it.

Renjun was not much expecting an answer from his own question. He knew Jeno didn't know, just like him. He silently prayed for a spark of courage or maybe anger so he could blurt his feeling out about how much he despised their situation. Instead, he pulled his feet and rolled on the bed, occupying another side.

"It's late, we should rest" he pulled the blanket up to his chest. Jeno felt the bed sunk as Renjun's weight rested on it. He waited until Renjun settled.

"Yeah" he looked down at the back facing him. Wondering what the other boy was thinking, feeling sad at the coldness emitting from him.

Jeno laid his tired body, slightly winced as his spines realigned. Renjun heard it, imagining those muscles to be aching every time he moved. He knew he's being childish right now, he swallowed his desire to look at Jeno's face and showed his back instead. This was not what he wanted, he knew. The ticks of the clock grew louder as both of them fell deeper into silence. None of them were asleep and again, both of them were aware. As much his consciousness screamed for him to rest, suddenly Jeno found the ceiling interesting. He stared at it long enough to imagine Renjun's features being drawn like a painting. His chest tightened. Renjun was here, lying beside him. But somehow there's still a line he couldn't cross. He's so close yet his hands still couldn't reach him.

Then Renjun suddenly broke the silence "The day after tomorrow, I can't spend it with you"

He drew his arm behind his head and smiled at his imaginary Renjun on the ceiling "Okay-"

"-but the day before Christmas, before I go back home, let's meet at the station, just for a minute is fine" Jeno rolled to his side. Renjun didn't budge from his spot. "What makes you think I will agree?"

"Because I will wait," he did this time, rolling to face Jeno. "and I won't go until I meet you" Jeno continued. Renjun nodded, saying the unspoken agreement with his eyes.

  
  


"Until that day, let's not meet each other" 

  
  


The light in Jeno's eyes was confusing and hard to read at the moment. Renjun tried to think what Jeno meant. But everything stuck to the possibility of what he feared finally came true. He didn't know why this was so upsetting. He wanted to be there for Jeno in his winter game prelims, which was just three days away. He wanted to kiss him in the locker room again, to whisper a good luck spell, to clutch the damp jersey in his grasp and kissed those lips again after the game.

Then the question echoed,  _ Who am I to Jeno anyway? Why am I so selfish? _

The drops of crystal ran to Renjun's side, pooling on his pillow, making a damp spot. Renjun didn't want to cry, he didn't intend to either, but they just couldn't stop. This was so confusing. Jeno reached for his face.

"Do you trust me, Renjun?"

Renjun didn't know. But he wanted to. Maybe Jeno knew what he was doing. So Renjun closed his eyes and Jeno closed the distance. Their lips met in a gentle and warm touch. Jeno pulled deeper, wiping the wet cheeks with his thumb while his other hand reached for the back of Renjun's neck, brushing away Renjun's raven locks along the way.

And Renjun sobbed harder, crying into their kiss. His hands clutched Jeno's shirt tightly. He missed these lips so bad. He missed his touch so much. Jeno's hands found their way to crane Renjun's neck further, tugging his lips in a desperate little bite. Not too hard for them to bleed, but enough to tell how much he wanted Renjun to trust him. Renjun melted into the kiss as Jeno rubbed small circles on his nape. Jeno wanted to erase the tears away with the kiss. Nothing he could say or do that could make it less painful for him, Renjun and Siyeon, but Jeno still wanted to at least show it, how he wanted Renjun, how he didn't want to hurt Siyeon even more. He couldn't convey his feelings out loud because he's still holding a part of Siyeon. It would be unfair for Renjun if he did that.

_ Just wait a little more.  _ Jeno whispered inside his own head,

He closed his eyes when they finally out of breath then opened them again to stare at Renjun. His lips were as red as his eyes, cheeks glowing wet from the tears-at least they stopped now- and Jeno planted one last kiss on Renjun's forehead before resting his chin on top of Renjun's head, embracing him close.

_ Please wait a little more. _


	14. The Quiet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Growing distance from your explanations  
> We're getting deeper in this mess  
> Take careful contemplation  
> I'd rather be spitting blood  
> Than have this silence fuck me up
> 
> \- The Quiet , Troye Sivan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoy the story so far,

_ There were times –when anticipation took root and grew over months or years of waiting- when real life paled in comparison to the fantasies. That's the issue with expectations: People usually overshoot them. The more people accepted that there's always a chance that things wouldn't go the way they thought they would, the less likely they were to be caught off-guard when that happened. _

_ Unfortunately, she came to learn that sometimes – no matter how aware she was that things might not work out- there was no such thing as sufficient mental preparation _ . When the hopes and dreams died in front of her eyes, it hurt more than she could possibly imagine.

She knew she's holding on to memories. But Jeno was her first love. He's the first one to show her how a mere human could be so perfect in an imperfect way. Of course everybody knew  _ Jeno Lee _ from class B, how he excelled both in academics and non-academics. How he charmingly became the captain of their basketball team. But no one needed to know how he crawled to get there. How insecure he was feeling with all the attention. No one needed to know. She would be the only one to know.

People have been adoring her like a porcelain doll since she was a kid. She liked the attention to a certain level. It was effortless to get the title of the prettiest girl in the school. But she never acted like she owned the world. She knew some people were already hating her and didn't have the intention to gain any unwanted attention by acting like she deserved to be loved. Yet she found it weird when Jeno didn't glance twice at her presence. Jeno was tall, towering most of the kids and it was almost impossible to ignore his presence among the crowds. Siyeon knew Jeno heard kids in his class talking about her, she knew Jeno recognised her when the teacher appointed her as one of the members for student council and yet, Jeno still didn't look her way. Siyeon found him practising alone when other kids had already left. She waited until he finally collapsed on the floor,catching breath of the hot air. She loomed to get a better view and that was when Jeno saw her. And he smiled. She was too embarrassed so she dashed off leaving the gym.

The next day though, she intended to wait again. She wanted to apologise for being a creep. It turned out Jeno was already waiting for her. And he apologised to her instead, for scaring her the day before. He thought she wanted to use the gym but backed away when she saw him using it. Siyeon laughed over it. Jeno was and still was a unique boy.

They were friends. From a simple  _ hello  _ to a short  _ how are you _ . For the first time in her life, she learned to ignore what it was like being the only one mattered, to ignore the world and all the shitty words they were talking about her. She knew she had fallen in love with Jeno a lot deeper than she had intended. Jeno taught him to be selfless, to care for others. She liked it best when it's just the two of them, sitting cross-legged on the cold gym floor. Jeno liked to talk about his day, his practices, his best friend Donghyuck, he would complain about how tiring it was but the smiles never left his face. Jeno was glowing. Always.

For the first time, she desired something. She did what she could to always be the one who knew Jeno the best. She ignored the raised brows and the questioning faces when she visited Jeno in his class, when she dragged Jeno to company her after practice. She didn't care, she wanted Jeno.

She was on cloud nine when she knew Jeno was single. But the journey was longer than she expected, Jeno still didn't look at her the way she wanted it. She held on. She stayed. She was there when Jeno became the captain, when he won his first game as a captain, when he wanted to stay late in the gym, when he fell and injured himself, when he was devastated. She was there. Always.

The kiss was something she never planned to do, it just happened. And so she said it, that she loved him,  _ always been in love with him _ . It took her all her might not to cry because Jeno just stood there for a good minute. Jeno wanted time but promised to meet her as soon as he could. She waited and waited.

Jeno fulfilled his promise two weeks after. They're dating.

She knew better than anyone, Jeno said yes because he wanted to try, not because he loved her back. But Siyeon was willing to be the only one giving, she was fine with it, it's enough to fuel her hopes and dreams. And truth to be true, Jeno opened up. Sometimes she caught him thinking about something, his eyes were filled with sadness and anger and then he would close them for a few seconds. Siyeon wanted to know but Jeno assured her it's nothing.

He was gentle, when he first initiated a kiss. Siyeon was forgetting the lies they're in. This became her new reality. They're in love. Jeno held her hands, patted her head, and whispered sweet words. She continued to be there for Jeno through his hard time when he injured himself again, he almost lost his hope on basketball.

It never came to her mind that Jeno would change. A Year and a half was not a short time and when they finally got into high school, he assured her again that he would not change. He didn't at first. She expected their love to continue and  _ she totally overshot it. _

She thought about the possibilities, especially now that they're in different schools, but she decided not to believe it. Jeno would never do that. But her wavering heart made her ask Donghyuck about it.

And when reality slapped her hard, she crumbled. Jeno has changed. Not just the way he treated her but the way he looked at her. She's fine with Jeno not replying to her calls and messages; she's fine with Jeno not being able to meet her – she understood-. It's just the sparkles in his eyes that she found were getting dim.

And later, he avoided her eyes altogether.

Kyulkyung talked about her night with her boyfriend even Giselle and Yuqi would shyly admit about the romantic things they did with their boyfriend. And Siyeon couldn't help to feel scared. Jeno kissed her, many times. He planted kisses on her cheeks, forehead, back of her hands, her hairs, lips, then she counted the time these days he kissed her.

And then, she couldn't remember the last time.

She wanted him to touch her, tighter, deeper, wilder. And Jeno was so angry to hear her ask it. "I can't," he said.  _ Ah, he doesn't love me, he loves someone else.  _ Siyeon knew already. Then he said  _ sorry,  _ as if all of this was a mistake. 

As if they were  _ the mistake _ .

She distinctly remembered the exact moment she realised that their love would live forever in the past.

And now, she's lost for words.

"Donghyuck, do you know something I didn't know?" he sighed from the other line.

_ "I can't give you the answer. Not that I know, but I don't think that's my place" _ Siyeon somehow admired how Donghyuck stayed neutral. Sometimes she wished he would take her side of course just like Yuqi and Giselle did. 

"Have you ever fallen in love with the wrong person?"

There was a long pause before Donghyuck's voice reached her ears _ "No, never" _

"That was what I'm feeling right now. We fought all the time because of our stubbornness, but Jeno always made up with me almost immediately no matter what, because he said it's the right thing to do, saving this relationship. Do you know how long it has been since the last time we have this silence? Forty-seven days. And the reason he didn't try to explain anything to keep our relationship going was because it somehow became a wrong thing to do for him"

Donghyuck never knew how to console a broken heart, to console the one who broke his own heart. He didn't even know basic courtesy to console anyone to begin with. "I am the wrong person for him," Siyeon continued.

"I saw him two weeks ago. I knew he saw me. I was so happy somehow, I thought he would call up to me and make up. But he just stood there, and then left. I thought it was even a miracle that we met" Donghyuck couldn't bear to tell her that it was him who asked Jeno to be there, at the same time Giselle took Siyeon to the McD across the shop. He couldn't bear to not be involved with how they entangled themselves in too much mess. It was not his place; Donghyuck knew he was rather a pathetic person to say it.

He learnt about kindness from Jeno, to feel what others were feeling. But to be honest, he still thought that it was such a foolish thing to be kind. In the end, everybody was hurting more when he tried to be kind.

The reason he fell in love with Siyeon was not because she was kind, not because she's the most beautiful girl she knew, but because she knew her place. From the first moment he saw her, he knew how she held herself high. She exuded confidence, again, not because she has the look, but because she was perfectly aware that it was where she belonged. It didn't matter what compliments or critics people showered her with, she knew her worth. Just like he did. So it irritated him when the girl he fell in love with was far too blind to see her worth by being in love with someone that much.

_ " _ _ What are you gonna do about it?" _ It was more than painful to ask.

But her voice was clear just like what she wanted "I still love him"

Donghyuck knew that much. Her resolve would shatter what was left of her. Donghyuck thought that it was a mistake to cling onto the hope.

It's like closing the door while pulling the knob the opposite way. She wanted to lock it before it's too late and too painful yet her hands kept desiring to hold on to the hope of Jeno walking in the door again. She held the door for almost a month of ignoring, avoiding, waiting, hoping and fearing the silence would also leave her. Surprisingly she didn't cry during that time. It hurt a lot- and still did- but the tears never spilled. She still believed it's not the end.

So when the calls and messages started coming – the knocks on the door-, she hoped again. She didn't want to open the door and saw Jeno just standing there.

She decided to keep it unlocked. Maybe Jeno just forgot how to step in, how to push the knob.

Siyeon just needed time, a week, just a week to remind Jeno how. 

She wanted to keep hoping.

The moment Jeno stepped out Renjun's door, he knew he couldn't back down. He has promised.

After grabbing a clean jersey and changing his clothes at home, he immediately went to school again. Most of his teammates were already there, warming up. Then he saw her. Sitting on the lowest bleacher.

Jeno ignored playful snickers from his friends and walked over. She wore a pale blue dress today; her hair was braided to the side. She looked gorgeous, more than other girls watching their practice right now. He somehow never agreed to the coach's method to make their practice like a showcase. Too much noise and distraction, even though he has to acknowledge that it made him less anxious in the real game and seemed to be effective to stop the energy ball small forward Xiaojun – Senior Xiaojun- for playing and bitching around the players.

"Your bed hair" She chuckled as she reached for his unruly hairs to flatten them up. He didn't really mind them since they would be wet from the sweats. "I didn't know you're coming"

"Surprise!" she playfully spread her arms and he couldn't help to smile. He adored this side of her. She was there until the coach decided it's enough practice for the day. After the short meeting, he found her waiting outside. The smile stayed there, still. "Buns and dumplings?" He chuckled and nodded. Somehow it felt nostalgic being with her like this.

~~~

When the morning rolled, Jeno was the first one to wake up. But Renjun heard the bed creaked and the shower running after that. He listened,carefully, until he heard the shower stopped and he closed his eyes back. He wanted to send Jeno out but his brain commanded him to pretend that he was sleeping,so he did, even when he felt the fingers on his hair and the lips on his temple.

A week was nothing, he's done it for years before. It's nothing.

He should have kept his mouth shut last night. What was he expecting?

Renjun was sharp to catch on those trembling eyes. Jeno was not ready for it. Whatever he was going to let go in those seven days was going to take every part of Jeno. And Renjun resented it. Because that wasn't what Renjun wanted. He thought it was as simple as loving Jeno as he was. But it wasn't. He didn't know what it was like to love someone, to give a part of himself to others until he met Jeno. It didn't matter if what was left of him remained less than a half. He didn't have much anyway.

But Jeno had so much with him. People that love Jeno with their whole hearts, who would be willing to sacrifice for him. Jeno's world was bigger, much, much bigger than his own. It terrified him that maybe not now, not tomorrow, but one day, Jeno would realise how much he has lost just by loving Renjun and Renjun himself would regret how he has taken Jeno's future by being selfish.

_ Was it really worth the world to love me? _

No matter how hard he tried to look at the bright side, he couldn't bring himself to ignore that they were playing a dangerous game. It was wrong. All of this. He has seven days to figure things out and set his mind on trying to find a better way rather than following the lingering voice inside his head.

Eventually it's easier when he distracted himself with various things. On Tuesday evening, Seungwan came home early, she said the current land owner of their old house wanted to settle some documents so she's going back to town for two days. She asked if he wanted to come along and Renjun hesitated for a second before immediately coming back to his senses. 

_ He can't come to Jeno's game. _

"You don't need to come if you have something to do" They took the first train in the morning.

"I can't let my wild sister loose" Seungwan slapped his head hard and snickered. "Smart-ass"

It's when he went out of the taxi that he saw a new advertisement billboard being placed. Lucas was intimidating with his piercing gazes looking through Renjun's bare shoulder who was backing the camera, his left hand circled around Renjun's shoulder with fingers stretched Renjun's long pale neck to show the diamond rings on both his ring and point finger. Renjun himself was looking up to reveal his jawline while biting on a cross pendant even though his side profile was mostly covered with strands of his bangs. It was oddly intimate that Renjun was conflicted between applauding the idea or cursing it.  _ Seductively Alluring.  _ The lines started with an elegant looking font on the top.

"You look like a lady with some back muscles" Seungwan chuckled. "I barely recognise you"

Renjun only hoped that his friends wouldn't recognise him, especially Donghyuck –because his mouth was running rampage and when he knew,so would the whole world-.

And God gracious, speaking of the devil, he texted as soon as Renjun stepped out of the taxi. He stopped to check the message.

**_From : Donghyuck_ **

_ You're coming to the game this afternoon,right? _

"Something happened?" Seungwan worriedly asked as she showed the officer their tickets. "Nothing,just a friend"

**_To : Donghyuck_ **

_ I'm visiting the town for two days,sorry _

He turned the phone off.

They headed to an inn near the station. They didn't have relatives here anyway. They've sold both the house and the old apartment and they're only staying for two days. It's strangely comforting to breathe in the air of the town he grew up with again. Here,with his sister. They came so far and Renjun felt really grateful to have her. Sometimes, he recalled back his childhood memories and imagined if none of this ever happened, if they actually still have parents. Well they still have one but none of them speak of their father, the man was no longer a part of their family. Seungwan burned down every picture of the man, cutting down their mother's face and putting them in an album. It's strange, because he was supposed to hate him, the man killed his mother in front of him, he beat him down countless times just because he resembled his mother. But he didn't hate him at all. He always thought he deserved all the beatings and if he's angry, it was more to the fact that his father never told him the real reason. That he's too young and dumb to understand any of that things.

"Renjun?" Seungwan was ready to go out, to meet her old friend. She asked if he wanted to come along but he thought he wouldn't enjoy it anyway. "I'm going out now,if you want to go, just leave the key to the front desk,okay?"

Renjun didn't go. For a whole day, he stayed inside. Watching whatever the TV was playing. He avoided switching on the phone. He has to restrain himself, even if everything indeed was going to end like this then it actually would be less hurtful for both of them.

But day rolled ever so slowly Renjun felt like he could count every seconds of a minute in his head. Even Seungwan couldn't tempt him with an offer of having dinner at the most famous steak restaurant in the town. He just stared out the balcony, watching the night of the town he used to live in grew brighter. 

He never thought that he would come to this point where he could actually think of his future. Back to the day where he's only a skinny boy who lived in a broken-down neighbourhood of the town, to think that he could live for another day without a new wound was already a bliss. He didn't like to remind himself of his old self, but tonight, under the clear air of this town, he could see himself walking down the street in the worn-out maroon jacket that hid the bruises on his pale skins. 

Waiting for his good for nothing father to come home dead-ass drunk and passed out on the couch so he wouldn't beat him to death in a drunken state, at least not until he was sober enough not to beat him on the face. His mother was rarely at home, she was working down the town, she came home twice a week in the afternoon when his father was still working in the factory and on Sunday Morning to take him to church. She would cook something for dinner and left some money on the table. Sometimes Renjun found a few bills slipped under his pillow and he stuffed them inside his old trousers pocket along with money Seungwan sent him on occasion. 

He once had a dream, to leave the house when he had enough money and to go to the school at the other side of the town, where no Hyunjin, or no other kids would paint his skins blue. Or maybe to live with Seungwan, in the city. That would be a good idea, Renjun once thought. But it never happened, because sometimes he would find his belongings in a mess,clothes scattered on the floor, and the money he hid would be between his father's trembling fingers. Face burned red in fury, and it always ended up with new wounds and bruises. He came to the point to just accept every accusation from his father about the money because there's no use to defend himself. His father hated him after all. And then he once had a bigger dream, to be a doctor. It was only a slip of idea when he had to hold the pain in his chest just from breathing, but he thought it would be great if he actually knew which part of his body wouldn't cause much pain when broken. So when he saw a cat with a limp back leg, it was that slip of idea that made him chase the scared cat to the other side of the neighbourhood.

_ It was strange. _

To think that meeting Jeno was a part of his destiny. Because they're not supposed to meet each other. A stray cat should stay as a stray, Renjun thought. But those sparkling eyes were warm, so warm that Renjun never wanted to go back to his cold home.

"That was hideous! Can you believe she is wearing an ugly green boots with a silver tube dress under a black trench coat in this cold weather?" Renjun laughed, imagining Sooyoung, her best friend back in the city who's now working in the town, wearing the outfits. "She's your best friend"

Seungwan sighed "I know! And that's exactly why it's driving me crazy!"

"Ah! That Lucas guy texted me, he said he can't get through you"

It was when Renjun remembered that he had abandoned his phone for a whole day.

"He asked something about a party, you might need to contact him because he won't stop texting me about it" Seungwan laughed. 

Renjun could care less about that.

"Renjun? what is it?" she looked deeply at Renjun's face.

He sat straight, staring back at his sister's eyes. "Do you think, if I ever asked Mother to get out of that house, would she listen?"

"Renjun. . ." She traced his features. It was true her little brother looked so much like their mother.

"If I didn't just keep quiet and speak up, would it be different?" there was no sadness or anger in his voice. Seungwan tried to search for any emotions but she couldn't find it.

"If I didn't just accept everything and fight for it instead, would she still be alive today?"

Seungwan clenched her jaw and brought Renjun's hands on hers. "It wasn't that simple, Renjun. . . She stayed not because you didn't ask to go. Even if you fight for it, she would still find herself to go back to him. It wasn't that simple"

She remembered. How she begged their mother to leave the house. To start a new life together, just the three of them. But every time, she only smiled. It was impossible to leave the house when she didn't even want to leave. It was foolish. How she kept living with a man who hurt his wife and children. But again, she recalled every painful memory when she has to left the house alone and stayed with their relatives, when she learned that her mother was working in a brothel because of the debt her family left for her, when she has to accept that actually their mother was never in love with their father, yet she stayed. 

Seungwan hated that man. She would always hate him for the rest of her life; for taking their mother's life-, but it made her think, it was probably because the pain of loving someone was too great for him to bear. To be in love with a woman who gave him everything but her heart. So he took it out on others, because he didn't know how to deal with the pain.

"As much as I hate that man for killing mother and hurting you, what's done is done. Everyone has to bring their own pain. Their pain has gone to this , don't ever let it be another pain you have to bear alone, you understand?"

~~~

"Great work,today!" Jeno walked away from the rest, it's just one game. His steps were heavy, but he stepped faster towards the girl who had been waiting for him outside the arena. It 's weird, usually, that smile could immediately lift all his fatigue, making him feel he has won the championship, that he did well in the game. This time, all he felt was pain and guilt.

_ Fourth day. _

Jeno reminded himself. She's been replaying the scenario they played in the old days,when they're still a couple. It's hard to appreciate her efforts when he knew all of these would only lead to greater pain. He regretted it now, he shouldn't have agreed to give her time, he's only feeding her more fantasy.

"I know what you're thinking" Ah, he forgot she's still here, sitting in front of him. 

"But please, just pretend like you don't know. It's just three more days" She knew better than anyone about the consequences. He has given up on her. She knew that much.

It was just difficult for her to accept it as it was. Maybe it wasn't enough for Jeno to remember the times they're together. Maybe she didn't try hard enough.

"Should we go?"

Jeno carefully pulled his smile for her. He couldn't force himself to say what's on his mind. People have their own way of coping with loss. Just like how he chose to remember Renjun instead, because as much as he wanted to forget him, he still came back. Maybe it was Siyeon's way of coping with it, with making her own memory with him to lessen the bigger pain that was about to come.

"Okay" he held her hand.


End file.
